Verabug

And suddenly I am swamped with work

2008-05-07T21:29:00.000-07:00

I don't know how I have been paying rent all this time. For the last five months I have been driving a cab two days a week, done an average of one counseling session a week, and otherwise spent my time frolicking. I had been looking for freelance Flash or translation work, but almost nothing had worked out since Thanksgiving.

I had started worrying about money about two months ago, but last week I had started REALLY worrying. And like a birthday present from the universe, a new freelance Flash gig was secured on my actual birthday, and I started yesterday. I will be there this week and possibly longer. It's at yet another ad agency. People at ad agencies seem to move around a lot, and by now I know people at all major ad agencies in San Francisco. And sometimes, when they need help with Flash, they think of me and call me. I love how this works because that way I get to work with people I already know and trust and they me. Working at ad agencies is not the most rewarding but it pays money, and I like money, especially when I'm broke.

At this week's job I get to play with ActionScript 3.0. I had used it back in 2005 at Macromedia when we were first developing it, but I had never used it in the real world. But now I am relearning it, and I am glad because it will make it easier and less daunting to get more of this kind of work in the future.

And now that I'm finally working again, the company I had last freelanced for and which had let me go in November, finally contacted me today and wants me to come back.

But that is not all. A good friend from Adobe/Macromedia is trying to bring me in for a project as well. We have been talking about this for several weeks, but now it is finally starting to sound like a real possibility.

Oh, what to choose? The new company that I started coding for yesterday? The company from before where I can hang out with Bret and Alex? The mother whose ship I jumped over two years ago?

It's nice to have options again.

Aww, feeling special

2008-05-07T21:26:00.001-07:00

Fame, you irresistible temptress

2008-05-06T22:49:00.001-07:00

Flyer for 2nd Skin
Originally uploaded by Verabug

I think this is as close as I have ever been to being on the cover of a magazine. I can't say that I don't like it.

Another

2008-05-06T22:40:00.001-07:00

philo and vera amy
Originally uploaded by Antonio Gomez

I love this one too because it has Justin in it.

A picture from my birthday party!

2008-05-06T15:50:00.001-07:00

striking the goth pose
Originally uploaded by Antonio Gomez

From left to right: Amy, Antonio, me, Jay, Philo

Excitement

2008-05-02T13:42:00.000-07:00

This weekend I am going camping with a few of my favorite people. I don't normally like camping but sometimes and for some people I make an exception. And I am actually looking forward to being in the woods.

It's my birthday weekend because Monday is my birthday. I invited about 32 of my friends to come celebrate that night at another friend's house who offered to host. Kean is going to be our bartender of exotic cocktails. Then I am going to try to drag everybody out to Death Guild.

Right now I'm working on the playlist for my birthday party. I'm burning four CD's, all with songs I love, from all kinds of different genres. The artists range from Depeche Mode to 50 Cent and from Autechre to Pet Shop Boys. Oh yes. And we are going to listen to all four CD's during the drive out to the woods, and we are going to love it. Well, I am going to love it, and I am excited.

BAH turns 5

2008-04-28T19:38:00.001-07:00

BAH turns 5
Originally uploaded by Verabug

Yesterday at Dolores Park we celebrated the 5th birthday of BAH (Bay Area Hoopers), the Sunday afternoon hoop group Philo and I started the day after meeting at Min Jung's party in 2003. Philo wrote about it on hooping.org. And here is how it all started.

Happy birthday, BAH!

Strike it up

2008-04-28T16:57:00.000-07:00

I have a total soft spot for poppy, dancey, electronicky music from the very early 90's. I started giggling this morning when I heard Strike it up by Black Box on the radio. This song makes me happy.

Vera of Bad Unkl Sista at 2nd Skin

2008-04-27T13:36:00.001-07:00

Vera of Bad Unkl Sista at 2nd Skin
Originally uploaded by mr. nightshade

Nightshade also has a picture that has the Kean in it (on the far right).

The performance was completely awe-inspiring in its skin-crawling creepiness. It made me super proud to be one of the creatures Anastazia chooses to work with. Late Friday night I got a text message from her--I assume she sent one to each of her creatures--that said "You rock my SHIT thank you for being you with me." Thank you indeed.

Snippets from the last 24 hours

2008-04-26T13:43:00.000-07:00

We did another Bad Unkl Sista performance at the Exploratorium last night, and I played a small part in it. Kean was involved this time too. It was a last minute decision by Anastazia to add him as a creature and a helper to belay Carl into the air. Aside from the two staged performances, we got to run around and play and weird people out with our characters.

Afterwards we went to MEAT vs. Death Guild at DNA Lounge in our make-up. Mine was crazy red and his was crazy blue. A friend commented on our make-up, and I told her that we had just done a performance. Thinking about that makes me really happy. I love how many different fun and exciting things we do together. I have never been in a relationship with this much shared expression. It makes me never want to settle for anything less. Before this, I had never even had a boyfriend that I could dance with. I had one, a long time ago, that I could dance next to, but not even really dance with. Now I have one with whom I can dance, perform, model, power play, hoop, do subway acrobatics and play other interactive human games. Maybe it's because I am more expressive nowadays, and so the people in my life are as well. No matter where it came from, it's glorious.

This makes me think of a spam email I got the other day, saying "Had some FUN and excitement lately?" Yes, and I feel really lucky and thankful.

After dealing with some difficult emotional stuff at DNA, we released some of that by shoving and pushing and slapping each other on the way to the car, and then Kean put me on his piggyback. After a block or so, we heard a voice from the other side of the street.

"Hey, did you guys drop a jacket or something?"

I turned around, and sure enough, my jacket was lying on the floor half a block behind us. We piggybacked back and picked up the jacket.

"Thanks," I yelled and giggled. People are great sometimes.

Then we switched over to the more poetic part of the day.

"What do you have to eat at home?"

"Meatless balls."

"Okay. We can eat them alls."

In the morning, I was lying on the floor, and Kean looked around the room.

"Your floor is a mess, and you are part of it," he said.

Dark fashion coming soon

2008-04-25T09:36:00.001-07:00

My friend Sarah is going to have some designs in a fashion show soon. It's going to be dark and shadowy. This is the first time that I am going to be modeling in the goth scene, and I am super excited.

On Monday at Death Guild, Sarah and her other models and I had a fitting in the bathroom. It was fun. Before that she had sent us a drawn draft of her designs via email. It turned out that for each character represented in the drawing, Sarah had already had each one of us in mind. And it turned out that each of us was particularly drawn to the character Sarah had had in mind for us and the clothes that came with it. It really worked out well. I love it when designers try to fit their designs to the person, rather than try to fit a person into their designs. Anastazia always does that too. I guess I just don't like pretending to be something that I am not. Just like in the lingerie fashion show on Valentine's Day: It was perhaps the most traditional and mainstream fashion show I have ever done, and I was a little nervous about that. But I feel like I still got to be myself and work with my own sense of style, rather than being someone I am not. I feel really thankful for that, but I am not sure if it makes me a "good" model or a "bad" model. I wonder if the good models are the completely blank canvases, the ones that can be molded into anything - a wholesome maiden or a devious vixen or anything inbetween. But I think I'm okay with potentially not being a "good" model, just like I'm okay with not being a "good" employee or a "good" daughter if "good" means compromising myself. Maybe this is selfish, but in a way there is no "good" and "bad" for me anymore; there is only "me" and "not me" when it comes to living my life.

Coming up
Originally uploaded by Verabug

So guess which one is me?

I was wrong

2008-04-25T09:18:00.000-07:00

I recently twittered the following: "Listening to a fit of Cockteau Twins."

Not only did a misspell the Cocteau Twins' name, but I was also lying. I was not listening to the Cocteau Twins but to the Knife. By "fit" I meant that I was listening to the same song over and over and over again. And over again. That morning I had found a burnt mix CD in the CD player of the cab I was driving. It had the Knife song on it. I recognized it because it plays at Death Guild all the time, but I had never really noticed that I liked it until that morning when I found myself unable to stop listening to it again. And again. And again. But I totally thought that it was a Cocteau Twins song. If you are familiar with them, you might understand why.

This Monday at Death Guild the song came on as I was talking to a new friend. I don't remember how it came up but he mentioned that it was Heartbeats by the Knife. Then I told him that I had thought it was the Cocteau Twins, and I also told him the whole story about the CD I had found in the cab. I didn't tell him about my mistaken Twitter though. But I did ensure he understood why it was easy to assume that the song was by the Cocteau Twins. If I have to admit that I was wrong, at least I want to make it clear that there was a very good reason for my mistake. I want the world to know that I don't make mistakes easily! Definitely not!

And now I am telling my blog the whole story about the CD in the cab, the song, the Twitter, and the conversation with my friend. I feel dizzy. And as I am writing this, I am finding myself, once again, compelled to listen to the song one more time. And another.

Close-up of my costume

2008-04-19T13:22:00.001-07:00

Originally uploaded by Sharlenescom

There's a light

2008-04-16T13:27:00.000-07:00

Kean took a couple of videos of our Bad Unkl Sista performance at Yuri's Night last Saturday. This one is my favorite. Can you guess which creature I am?

Bad Unkl Sista performance at Yuri's Night - Twirling from verabug on Vimeo.

Getting ready for the show

2008-04-15T02:48:00.001-07:00

43PICT72076
Originally uploaded by mr. nightshade

Anastazia was about to put the finishing touches on me, i.e. the very uncomfortable head pieces.

Something just made me really happy

2008-04-11T22:36:00.000-07:00

Maybe I shouldn't do this but sometimes, after meeting a new client, I search for them online to see what they are all about. Today I was curious about a client who had come to see me on Monday. I found her Facebook profile, and to my surprise I am mentioned in it. Apparently, the evening following our session she created a Facebook status update saying that she loves her intuitionist. Ah, the little things that can make your day.

Train transmission

2008-04-11T12:59:00.000-07:00

I just decided to share something from my paper journal. I wrote it on the first day of the big train trip, after I had been staring out the window for a few hours:

I just had the most beautiful thought when I saw a big pile of junky fenders. At first I felt judgmental and negative with thoughts like "how wasteful" and "this is what kind of terrible things we're doing to the Earth" and "the curses of civilization", but then this thought came to me that we are doing the best we can. We as humans are trying really hard to improve our lives and the world around us. We all want the same thing: a livable world. We built railroads and developed automobiles, all so that we could have better lives. We are constantly working things out with ourselves, each other and the Earth, and collectively we are doing the best we can. Storing a bunch of old fenders in a fenced-off area is part of it. Suddenly I felt so much forgiveness and compassion for the human race that I almost started crying.

At CELLspace recently

2008-04-08T13:49:00.001-07:00

BAH, hooping, cellspace
Originally uploaded by Antonio Gomez

More pictures here.

Now how does it feel?

2008-04-07T18:18:00.001-07:00

Last year on Valentine's Day I went to an event at DNA Lounge called Black Heart Valentine. My own heart was totally black at the time as well. I had been invited by a girl I had recently met at a party. My interest in goth events was fresh.

I recognized the guy working the door that night. He was the ex-boyfriend of the ex-girlfriend of the guy I was making responsible for my black heart. I talked to him briefly. I'm not sure if I told him exactly how I knew his name.

That night I kissed the girl who had invited me, her friend, and her friend's boyfriend. Actually, it was more like they kissed me, and I just went along with it. My ego was flattered, but my black heart was too strong for it to really make me feel good.

I also introduced myself to the gothiest of all goth boys that night and gave him a Psychic Valentine because I liked his hair. I still sometimes see him at Death Guild now, but we don't say hi anymore.

But what I really want to talk about is something internal that happened while I was standing upstairs watching the band. I had no idea who they were. A guy with long black bangs, black pants and big boots was stomping back and forth across the stage, screaming "Now how does it feel? Now how does it feel?" The line made me think of revenge. It also made me think that I thought I was over music about dysfunctional emotions, even if I, with my own black heart, was so in the thick of them myself.

I liked how the singer was strutting around on the stage, screaming. I also liked his style with the bangs and the boots and stuff. And I thought to myself "Where I have I been all this time? I knew this world existed, this world of black hair and boots and dysfunctional thoughts. It's been there this whole time; why haven't I tried it on?" I already had black hair, huge boots and lots of dysfunctional thoughts anyway, so that's when I decided to really try on this world.

In case you were wondering.

Imperative Reaction - Severed

One song

2008-03-29T16:23:00.000-07:00

So I'm in this lovely relationship now, and sometimes I get really scared of it ending. I'm especially scared of it ending against my will because the last two times that happened I went through many months of feeling like shit before I finally felt like myself again.

The other day while I was driving, the song Lazy Eye by Silversun Pickups came on the radio. I froze. I was taken back in time to the fall of 2006 when I was in a new relationship with somebody I was really into and also heard this song on the radio. There is a line in the song that goes like this:

I've been waiting for this moment all my life
but it's not quite right.

Back then, I didn't want it to be true and quickly pushed the thought away. But sure enough, shortly thereafter the guy I was really into broke up with me, and I was devastated.

When I heard the song again the other day, I was afraid that maybe it was true again in my current relationship. Once again I didn't want it to be true, but I also didn't want to be in denial about it if it was.

To my surprise and delight, the song that was playing on the radio this time was a remix! And it doesn't include the part about it not being quite right. All it says is

I've been waiting waiting waiting I've been waiting for this moment moment moment

I thanked the universe but also felt that it couldn't be quite this easy. Was this really a message that everything was okay in my relationship? Then today I had an epiphany. Everything IS okay because the moment I have been waiting for is not the relationship but my own current state of mind. Everything IS okay because my own strength, confidence and solidity are here to stay even if the relationship doesn't. Maybe something isn't quite right with the relationship--that remains to be seen--but that doesn't mean that my world and THIS MOMENT aren't right. At least that's my reading of the situation, and hopefully I'll still be able to feel right about this moment--any moment--even after the relationship is over. After having this epiphany I hugged the world.

This doesn't mean that I am not vulnerable and scared. I totally am. But the difference in the (uni)verse is that thanks to my newfound solidity, now I no longer practice self-hate. The self-hate is what was not quite right before. Next time I go through a break-up, instead of climbing a big mountain of suffering and self-hate, I hope to let myself fall into a wave of acceptance.

Recognizing the part I play in other people's bitchiness

2008-03-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when another person acts towards me a certain way, I may decide then and there that they're a bitch, and then in the future, every time I think of them and that situation, they remain a bitch in my mind.

Here are two examples of situations in which this happened recently.

1. I was at some friends' house for a big dinner party. I ran into a girl I didn't know in the hallway and introduced myself to her. Her name was Zeena*. I said "Oh, like Xena the warrior princess? Isn't there one called that?" She gave me a weak smile and then turned her back on me. Every time I saw her after that, she ignored me, either intentionally doing so or not remembering having met me. I decided that she was a bitch.

2. I was at a coffee shop and had just received my drink from the barista. I said thanks and turned to leave when I noticed a girl staring at me in disgust. I felt slightly taken aback. When I was outside, I remembered something and went back in to ask the barista a question. The same girl stared at me, still looking very disgusted. When I was in my car outside, the girl walked by me on the sidewalk. She didn't see me but this time it was me who stared at her. What a bitch, I thought, what is her problem?

But then I caught my reflection in the rear view mirror. And I noticed that I had chocolate all over my lips and chin from the chocolate croissant I was eating. So that's probably why the girl had been so disgusted. And that's when I admitted to myself that if I saw somebody out in public with that much chocolate in their face, I would probably think that they're an asshole. I am not proud of the fact that this is the judgment I would probably make about them, but it's something I have to admit. When I recognized this, I felt compassion towards the disgusted girl and was able to forgive her for her stares.

And suddenly I started thinking about that bitch Zeena. I remembered what I had said to her and realized that she probably gets Xena comments all the time. I decided that she was probably pretty bored by those comments. I know how bored I am by people starting to talk about Germany when they first find out I am from there. I know that I have been bitchy to people just for asking me "Where in Germany?" And this train of thought brought me to the conclusion that Zeena is probably not a bitch after all, and I was able to forgive her too.

I am still not proud of my own judgments and my own bitchiness, but recognizing them has at least allowed me to forgive the people who bring judgments and bitchiness against me. Assuming that the people I encounter are mirrors of myself, perhaps when I can stop judging others, others can stop judging me, and there will be no more bitches in my world. Until then I will keep reminding myself that we all get annoyed and bitchy sometimes, and that in our mind, there is always a very good reason for it.

*Name changed to protect the girl I am talking about.

Consensual breaking up

2008-03-26T11:19:00.001-07:00

Wouldn't it be nice if a break-up could not occur unless both people consented to it? If there was a series of conversations in which the person initiating the break-up convinced the other person that it was the right thing for both of them, given the feelings, thoughts and desires that were present? If the relationship was not actually over until the point of consent was reached and the other person was ready to let it go? I'm sure some relationships already end this way. And maybe this wouldn't work for everybody, but I feel like it would work for me, in either role.

First date

2008-03-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

It was about 4am. He was about to leave my place. Earlier in the night we had been out dancing and taking pictures of each other. We had also pulled each other's hair and shoved each other and purposely spilled water on each other. He had just taken a shower in my bathroom with the lights off and the door open. Now he was sitting on a chair in my kitchen. I was lying on my back on the kitchen floor. My feet were on his knees. A little earlier my toes had briefly been in his mouth. "How did it taste?" I had asked. "I couldn't taste anything; only my teeth touched them," he had replied. I had liked his straight-forward honesty. When he left, he also left some Skittles that I ate for breakfast the next morning. Sometimes I don't mind having candy for breakfast.

Does love mean giving freedom or taking freedom?

2008-03-17T18:28:00.000-07:00

My friend Justin recently wrote:

I find many love songs to be tasteless expressions of the inability for humans to handle emotional response and consequently display depressing aspects of control, worry, suspicion. It's hard for me to find lyrical music that doesn't turn my stomach. On the radio at work:

"every step you take, every move you make: I'LL BE WATCHING YOU"
"oh can't you seeeeeee? - YOU BELONG TO ME..."

come on! this is what war is all about.

Today I listened to a wonderful song (thanks to my friend Starrie who burnt Winds of War for me). It had the following lyrics:

You live in my dreams,
where you sit upon a shelf.
You live in my dreams
where I have you all to myself.
You live in my dreams,
you're not dead, but you're gone forever.
You live in my dreams,
the only place together can be forever.

These words reminded me that some people would rather see their lover dead than with another person. And it also made me think about how most people would rather take away their lover's freedom to see other people than give their lover the freedom to see other people.

Monogamy doesn't make sense to me anymore. I vow to love my lover so much--and to love myself so much--that I can give them the freedom to leave me when they wish, that I can give them the freedom to sleep with other people if they wish, that I do not feel the need to constrain or control them in any way. I am not quite there yet* because monogamous ideas have been deeply programmed into my consciousness, but that is where I aim to be.

*While I am giving and receiving that freedom currently, it doesn't always feel good. Yet.

Another upcoming road trip

2008-03-12T10:49:00.000-07:00

My mom is coming to visit next week! She has never been to San Francisco even though I have lived here for nearly six years. My dad is not coming with her because he can't stand to be on a plane for more than four hours. He has never been to San Francisco either.

My mom arrives on Thursday next week. One week later we are going to drive down to Los Angeles. We are taking the long way down so that my mom can see pretty things along the way. We are going to stay at a hotel in Los Angeles for one night, and then I am going to drive back up to San Francisco by myself, and my mom is getting on an organized tour bus with a bunch of other Germans for a few days to go see the Grand Canyon, some National Parks in Utah, and Las Vegas.

I'm excited!