Verabug

An important decision

2009-06-20T15:54:00.001-07:00

As I had mentioned before, cab driving has been very miserable for me since the beginning of the year. Business has been slow, and that means that not only have I been making only an average of about $7 an hour, if that, but I have also been fucking bored out of my mind. I have been feeling so bored and miserable that even when I did have passengers, I haven't felt like talking to them. I have been a total grump. This, of course, only made the situation worse because passenger interaction has been what has made cab driving joyful and interesting. I could tell that I was really falling into an abyss of negativity when I noticed the hatred I was feeling for other cab drivers. Every time I pulled up to an area where other cab drivers were around, such as a hotel or the airport, I immediately started scowling and thinking things like "What are you looking at?" or "Don't even think about talking to me." What I really wanted was to talk to my passengers and to smile at other cab drivers, but I just couldn't bring myself to snap out of the hole. All of last weekend I dreaded the thought of Monday because Monday was when I was going to drive a cab again. This had never happened before.

On Monday during my shift I called my aunt to wish her a belated happy birthday. I told her how much I hated driving a cab right now. She asked me "Why do you keep doing it?" So I listed the reasons I had been telling myself and others for the last few months. And she popped the bubbles of reason one by one.

I said that I wanted to publish my taxi stories and that I didn't think a publisher would take me on if I wasn't actually a cab driver anymore.

"I'm not so sure about that."

"Plus, I'm still on the Board at Green Cab. I just don't feel I can leave right now."

"You can stay on the Board. You can even still fill in as a driver once in a while. Just don't have any scheduled shifts for now."

"But this is the only regular source of income I have."

"What income? You are wasting your time sitting on your ass for ten hours."

"It's true. I could be making the same daily income with just one counseling session."

Suddenly things were crystal clear to me: It was time to take a break from my two scheduled shifts a week. After saying good-bye to my aunt, I immediately called the manager and told him that I wanted to be on-call for a while. I felt so happy and relieved about the decision that for the rest of my shift, I chatted with all of my passengers and smiled at other cab drivers.

In the future I will know that when I find myself falling into animosity, it is time to get out.

For the hatred of small talk

2009-06-18T16:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think that when I developed a "mental illness" at age 10, I was really just rebelling against small talk and polite banter. Maybe I just wanted to stop being polite and yell and scream and cry instead because that felt more real and honest to me.

One time a boyfriend took me to meet his mom for the first time. She had been drinking and, shortly after our arrival, started crying and complaining about my boyfriend, his brother and his father, asking how she deserved to have such a dysfunctional family. I was stunned and at the same time fascinated and appreciative of such an honest outburst of emotion. I'll take her teary tirade over small talk any day.

When I run into somebody I know, especially if it's in an unexpected place, I feel somewhat obligated to talk to them. What I prefer to do is to simply say hi or wave and then move on, unless I have the time and/or desire to engage. Most of the time, especially if it's someone I don't know very well or haven't seen in ages, I'd rather not stop in my tracks just to exchange the obligatory "So, do you live around here?" In that case I'm a big fan of the wave-and-dash. Unless one of us has a compelling conversation topic, we really aren't obligated to more than that. I would like for myself and the rest of the world to remember that.

More pictures from the alien invasion

2009-06-17T19:26:00.001-07:00

Bad Unkl Sista at the Raygun Gothic Rocketship fundraiser
Originally uploaded by mr. nightshade

Nightshade's pictures: http://www.flickr.com/photos/carnivillain/sets/72157619746058717/

Bex's pictures: http://www.flickr.com/photos/bexhurwitz/sets/72157619687215531/

Change on the horizon

2009-06-09T12:29:00.001-07:00

Ever since coming back from Germany in March, I have wanted to move or at least live somewhere else for a few months. This desire went on the back burner after my post-vacation depression subsided and I started getting really busy with work.

But I'm still feeling a pull, a pull away from San Francisco. I drive around this beautiful city with my taxi, and I feel like there is nothing left I need to discover. As strange as it sounds, it's almost like I have everything I have always wanted now, and so it's time for me to move on. I have a great apartment and great friends, I have an amazing relationship, I have lovers and opportunities to do photoshoots and performances, I have work that is varied and infrequent enough to let me breathe. I have lived here for seven years.

I drive by Dolores Park on a sunny, busy day, and I can't get away from it fast enough. I see tipsy girls walking home after their dinner in the Mission, and I feel judgmental. I see all the same old coffee shops and the same old clubs and the same old faces at the BART station, and I know that there are thousands of faces in this city that I have never seen before, but that is all I see. All of this is telling me that I am bored here now, that I want something else.

Last weekend at a birthday party I talked with a lovely couple for a while. I had seen them both around and talked to one of them here and there, and I had no idea that they lived in Santa Cruz. They talked about trees and rivers and hiking and coming back to San Francisco/Oakland about two weekends a month.

So this morning I said to Kean "I am starting to think about the possibility of moving to Santa Cruz."

And he said "I had been wanting for this to come up in conversation, and here we are. I have been thinking about that too."

So now Kean and I are thinking and talking about moving to Santa Cruz. And somehow it feels real.

More pictures from Friday's alien invasion

2009-06-07T20:45:00.000-07:00

The very talented Warren DiFranco took some.

What I did last night

2009-06-06T20:27:00.001-07:00

IMG_8561a
Originally uploaded by wetribe

I participated in a butoh alien invasion at the Bently Reserve.

Comfort in a slow clock

2009-05-30T14:14:00.000-07:00

I got up from the computer today, and it was 12:15. I went to the bathroom to do something, I don't know what. Then I went to the kitchen. The clock on my stove said 12:15 (it's a few minutes late). Somehow I found this really comforting: I had gone to the bathroom, and no time had passed at all. This was an illusion, of course, but isn't all time an illusion?

Odd

2009-05-30T13:48:00.000-07:00

I saw this bumper sticker the other day that I liked:

Don't get even. Get odd.

Gifts

2009-05-10T00:19:00.000-07:00

I don't think I have ever felt as loved and appreciated as I do now. My birthday and its celebrations throughout the week were astounding.

I got an amazing number of well wishes and birthday messages on Facebook. Here are some of my favorites:

"you are a beautiful princess tonight! i am at dna wishing you a happy birthday!!!!!"

"I am so glad you were born. The world is a brighter place with you in it."

"Such a fantastic lady, I'm so blessed to share your company in life."

In the mail I received five books from my wishlist from my mom and some awesome black wearables from my brother and sister.

I also got a new translation project on my birthday, probably the funnest and most interesting project I have worked on so far: I get to translate quotes related to music and art from English to German, many of which are very inspiring.

For my birthday party at Kean's house, we had made Mac and Cheeseless (vegan) for our guests. It was delicious. And two different people brought cupcakes - one vegan batch and one non-vegan batch. Some of us had a cupcake toast where we made our cupcakes kiss. Siri gave me a beautiful drawing of myself.

The day after my birthday, Kean and I were both off work so I wore my birthday dress from Amy, and we inline-skated to Piedmont Cemetery.

On Thursday, Kean spun at Noc Noc as usual, except this time it was also one of my birthday celebrations. Before that, Kean and I went to a store across the street from Noc Noc called Trunk, which features reconstructed clothing from local designers. Kean had announced a few weeks earlier that he wanted me to pick something out from there for my birthday. I chose a teal shirt with a puffy heart on it, and then Kean said "I also want to get you this scarf", so he also got me that scarf. Oh glee.

Kelly brought some more homemade cupcakes to Noc Noc. Lux drew something precious for me. Icka gave me a framed print of a picture of myself she had taken last year. Linda wrote an amazing poem for me. Ramat, the owner of Noc Noc, brought out a bottle of sake that I got to share with Kelly and Lizzy. I glowed all night from all the love and attention.

On Friday night Kean and I went to Slanted Door for some expensive bites and sips, accompanied by sounds from a DJ we both know. And that concluded my birthday celebrations.

The next morning I found my birthday present for me from myself. I always try to give myself one and had been wondering what it was going to be this year. I saw three people at the BART station carrying huge dreamcatchers. I started talking to one of them and found out that she had made all three of them and was going to sell them at Golden Gate Park. I bought the biggest and most colorful one from her, and I can already feel that it is bringing magic into my life. Not that it doesn't already have a lot of magic.

I feel lucky!

An unintentional birthday present from Intoner

2009-05-07T16:26:00.000-07:00

My favorite DJ released a new mix on my birthday. I don't think I have ever mentioned him on my blog, but Intoner is the DJ who has played in the upstairs room at Death Guild ever since I have been going there. Unfortunately he left for Germany about a month ago, so the music on the upstairs dance floor has changed a bit.

Intoner's music was one of the main reasons I kept going back to Death Guild so regularly for so long. Yes, dressing up in all black has been really fun too, but now that he is gone (for now), darkness and the swirly downstairs music alone don't have the same pull. Listen to his set - it's not necessarily what you'd expect at a goth club. He plays a combination of hard techno, grime, tech-step, drum&bass and dubstep. Dancing on the upstairs dance floor every week for over a year and a half has really shaped my taste in music and introduced me to artists such as Edgey, Vex'd, and Enduser. It has also introduced me to quite a few good friends, including Kean.

So if you want to know what I have been dancing to, check out his set and/or tracklist. It's a really good representation and brings back lots of nice memories for me.

Love times 33

2009-05-05T15:20:00.000-07:00

My friend Sarah gave me the cutest little home-made birthday card yesterday. It was heart-shaped, and had the number 33 on it - one 3 on each cheek of the heart. It inspired me to use the symbol <33 a lot this year - two hearts with a 33 "hidden" in it. My intention with that is to spread love and to surround myself and my life with love in the year where I am 33 so that it may be the best year yet for me.

Tomorrow is my birthday!

2009-05-04T16:46:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I will be celebrating at Death Guild where my birthday starts at midnight. Tomorrow there is a party at Kean's house. On Thursday, I'll be celebrating at Noc Noc. And hopefully on Friday there will be dinner at Slanted Door, a fancy restaurant that has a drum & bass DJ!

Dance of darkness

2009-04-26T15:59:00.000-07:00

The Kean and I were both in a Butoh performance with Bad Unkl Sista last night. It was an hour long performance that was supposed to start at midnight, but we didn't end up going on until about 2:30 am. I think the aggravating long wait time led to us expressing a lot of agony during the dance, so it might have actually turned out well for our performance.

There were seven of us - Anastazia, Michael, Virginia, Sirley, Kate, Kean and I. We were all wearing pouffy white skirts, pouffy white hats, white make-up and red lip centers. Every time I caught a glimpse of Kean's pretty face, made even prettier with white make-up and red lipstick, my heart opened really wide. And when we stood in a centering circle right before the performance, all holding hands, the warmth and strength of Kean's hand felt so good around mine. I am so happy that we get to do this together.

how to destroy the universe
Originally uploaded by y3rdua

First we did a long and slow procession through the cold, through the crowd and up the stairs onto the stage. There we stood in a line of stillness for seven minutes, looking straight ahead above the crowd and imagining a better world a thousand years in the future. Then we did a dance with the "weight of the world" and then stood in a line again while Kate did a solo. After Kate's solo, we all rushed her and pushed against her in a circle, each of us trying to get into the center of the circle. After separating from the circle, we did a "love and hate" dance. We pushed and hit and hugged each other and ended up in various puddles on the floor. Then we stood in a line again while Michael did his incredibly emotional solo, embodying sadness and fear so tangibly, I started shaking myself. We rushed Michael as well, but instead of struggling with him, we petted him. When we separated from him, we petted ourselves, projecting all of our energy onto the audience so as to make them feel petted. We made a line one more time, and then, to make space for Anastazia's solo, we shuffled off the stage while clawing at our hearts. We stayed in the audience in a half circle to hold space for Anastazia.

Anastazia's solo was probably my favorite part of the performance. She slowly started tearing off her clothes. Then she stood there, bare-breasted and pigeon-toed, and slowly floated to the edge of the stage. She brought her knees to her chin until she was sitting on the topmost step. Then she slowly slid down the stairs like a dead body. It was such an amazing display, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She ended up lying at the bottom of the stairs for what felt like a really long time, with the back of her head resting against the bottom step. She finally got up, and when she caught up with the rest of us, we all slowly processed back to the dressing room.

When we were all done, it was 3:45am. To me, it was definitely worth the wait. I love offering up my heart this way.

Time for me to help others

2009-04-25T17:35:00.000-07:00

One of the coolest things I ever did was that at a time when I had enough money for this month and for the next month, I sent some anonymous cash to friends who were struggling financially. I was giddy for days.

Statement maker

2009-04-18T19:33:00.001-07:00

I had a dream the other night in which I was in some kind of workshop environment, and when it was my turn to share, I said dramatically "I come from a family of statement makers."

Busy-ness and a little bit of consumerism

2009-04-16T07:57:00.000-07:00

I had been feeling really blah for most of February and March. Now that I am working again, I feel infinitely better. I don't know if it's because I am so busy that I don't have time to think, or because as lazy as I am, I am not THAT lazy, and contributing to society actually makes me feel good. My increased busy-ness has even, ironically, made me pick up a creative project for the first time in a while: I am turning an old pillow case into an apron.

Either way, I feel like my temporary return to tinker with Flash at Freestyle Interactive was a god-sent because
1) they have always been my favorite company to freelance for. When they had no more work for me in November 2007, I was actually sad and had been hoping for them to call me back ever since.
2) daily lunches with Bret are back, who works there too.
3) the work is fast-paced but not super demanding technically, which is perfect for me. I have been working on a big ad for a new game release.
4) I was able to take a temporary break from taxi driving. Taxi driving had been making me absolutely miserable lately. Business is super slow, and all too often I had found myself driving around for two hours or more without a single fare, taking home only $40 or so for a ten hour shift.

So, I am still freelancing there for now but it might end soon. I might start driving a taxi again next week, and hopefully business will have picked up a little by then as it usually does in the spring and summer.

The translation project I picked up recently went really well. Since I worked on it for an entire weekend, I actually finished it early, and now the same company just gave me another small editing job.

It's so nice to have money again! I almost can't believe this but I hadn't bought any clothes since November! Part of this is that if I need something new for, say, Death Guild, I often just make it. Well, now I just invested in a new pair of black True Religion jeans. The thing is that I almost never buy expensive clothes. But a year and a half ago, when I bought my first pair of black jeans, I knew that I was going to wear them every day. So I went all out and bought myself a pair of True Religion jeans because they are NICE. And it's true - I wore them just about every day, and they are all worn out and loose now, they are fraying at the bottom, and I would say I definitely got my money's worth. So now I just ordered a slightly different style of black jeans (flare instead of straight leg), and I am wearing them right now for the first time! I think we are going to have a very tight relationship.

Next up is an iPhone for me. I "need" it so I can help Kean play music at Noc Noc. For a while I burnt a CD every time I went, but I ran out of blank CD's a while ago, and it was a pain in the ass anyway because I would lose their track lists. If I had an iPhone, I would always have a big batch of tunes with me. Speaking of music, you can add me as a friend on last.fm if you're curious about what I have been listening to.

Also, I have been getting late night pizza cravings, and I gave in to them two nights in a row this week, and it was glorious.

Super busy

2009-04-03T21:55:00.000-07:00

After being grossly underemployed for over four months, this week I have more work than I can handle. The company I freelanced for in the summer and fall of 2007 has brought me back in for a week or two. And the day I started that, I also got an offer for a translation project. Since I have been hoping for a translation project for a long time, I couldn't turn it down.

So from now until a week from now I will be working at that company every week day, and whenever I am not there, I am going to be working on that translation project. That means I will be working all weekend. I am canceling all my social engagements until further notice.

This may sound like hell but I welcome this change right now. It's nice to have an excuse not to go out or to go outside. It's nice to be super busy after such a long time of relative inactivity.

How I told my sister about losing my virginity

2009-03-23T17:12:00.000-07:00

My sister gave me a bunch of letters I wrote to her between 1987 and 1994 or something. She is cleaning out her childhood room and was wondering if I wanted to see the letters before she threw them away. I said heck yes!

Here is what I wrote to her on July 9th, 1994 (translated from German):

Did Mama tell you that I'm not a virgin anymore? Since June 1st. Yesterday I had sex with [name of boyfriend] again (for the 9th time). [...] Sex is different than I had imagined though, I'll have to explain later!

Unfortunately now I don't remember how I thought sex would be different. I wonder if my sister remembers how I explained it later.

Secret

2009-03-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

I signed my underemployment check with a colored pencil today.

Sometimes I go to bed at 7 or 8pm. It's because when I have no other plans, there is nothing I would rather do than sleep. Nobody really knows this because I am kind of embarrassed about it.

Yesterday I hand-wrote a letter to someone that I know is going to make her day.

When I was in Germany, I told my sister that I secretly fear that when I am 60, I am going to be alone, have missing teeth, and be generally useless. She gave me this weird smile that freaked me out for a second, and then she said "When I think of you at 60, I think of an interesting colorful person who has done a lot of cool things her whole life." I said "You have no idea how good it feels to hear that right now."

What we did for the rest of the time in Germany

2009-03-20T13:47:00.001-07:00

That night we did go to Solar, as recommended by my friend Maxi. We wanted a swanky lounge where we can have a drink and a view of the city. Solar was exactly that. There was fancy padded furniture everywhere, including two swings (!), there was a DJ and colorful wall projections. And it was very high up, so we had a 180 view of Berlin. Our swanky lounge night was a success.

On our second full day in Berlin, we decided to see some remnants of the Berlin wall. First we went to East Side Gallery, the longest remaining piece of the wall, and then to Mauerpark, literally meaning "Wall Park." That park was one of my favorite things in Berlin. There is a long hill with a long piece of wall on it, and in front of the wall are five swings. That day Kean also found some awesome shiny blue ear studs at a jewelry store which, according to its business card, has an amazing graphic designer. I was as excited about Kean's ear studs as if they had been my own, and I couldn't wait to shove them into his ear holes.

That night we had planned to have dinner with Maxi, but she called me that afternoon to cancel because she was sick. So instead I took a nap while Kean and Giampaolo made dinner: Pasta con Broccoli. Giampaolo taught me something I hadn't realized before: Broccoli is an Italian word, which many other languages have adopted, German and English being two of them.

After dinner, we were going to go to club VCF for some drum&bass and electro, but somehow we changed our minds and went to KitKatClub instead because the flyer for their Hellectro event was promising dark electro as well and maybe even some fake blood. Giampaolo told us that KitKatClub was "always so fun", and what we didn't know until we got there was that in addition to being a dance club, it was also a sex club. There was a sign at the entrance informing us that sexual acts were permitted at the club. One of the things I love the most about Kean is that he never minds it when I tell other people about things we do together. So yes, we had sex at the club, and yes, I am writing about it on the internet! We had been wanting to have sex in public for a while, so why not do it at a sex club in Berlin when given the opportunity? The music wasn't dark electro at all, and it wasn't good either, but the people were young and beautiful and interesting, with only a few creepy ones thrown in. A friend of mine had gone to a sex club in Berlin the last time he went there, and I had thought that that would be fun but didn't want to expend much energy on finding one. So I like that we ended up at one without even planning it.

The next morning we had breakfast, and then we headed back to the Ostbahnhof for our 2:30 train back to where my parents live. During the ride back I cried at one point because a cute little girl next to me was speaking in Dutch, and I was reminded how much I love the Dutch language and that, had I stayed in Germany, I might have had the chance of a career as a Dutch-speaking person but in America the chances were much slimmer. At least I think that's what I was crying about. It could also be that I was crying about the unfortunate need for money in order to survive when instead of working for money, I would much rather ride trains and learn Dutch.

My parents were away on a trip to Bremen that weekend, so my brother picked us up at the train station in Rheine, and my sister was already with him. It was time to go home and eat some Pommes! My brother's homemade Pommes are the best in the world, and he made 2 kilos worth, and we ate them all, just him, my sister, Kean and I. That means we each ate about a pound. Yum!

After dinner my brother went to his girlfriend's house, and my sister and Kean and I hung out for the rest of the night, just talking and listening to music.

On Sunday it was still just my sister, Kean and I, and we had a lovely day of doing just about nothing. I really needed it, and I think Kean did too. We did watch Zeitgeist with my sister because we wanted her to see it. She was very taken, as was I, again.

My parents came home from their trip around 5pm, and I was glad when my mom didn't argue when we wanted to make our own dinner. She usually takes care of everything, and I was glad to give her a break for once. Kean, my sister and I made Teriyaki broccoli, Curry peas, and hot dogs with remoulade and pickle slices. Something about being in Germany always makes me eat like a teenager.

While my parents were doing their thing in the living-room, Bianca, Kean and I watched the Zeitgeist Addendum on the computer in the dining-room. It felt really good to be reminded of the promises of a resource-based (non-monetary-based) society and to share these ideas with my sister. Scarcity is no longer relevant!

On Monday Kean and I were going to go to D�sseldorf to see my friend Julia and stay with her for a night, but unfortunately that didn't work out because she was working 16 hour days AND her bedroom was inhabitable due to water leaking in, so we would have had to sleep in her tiny living-room with her AND her dog. As much as I would have loved to see her and stay in her lovely apartment, we decided that the conditions weren't conducive, and when my sister took a train back to K�ln later that afternoon, we went with her. But before that Kean and I went on a little bike ride in my little town and the surrounding farm fields. I also showed him my Kindergarten and elementary school. Unfortunately the zip line at the recreation center I had played on as a child was no longer there.

In K�ln the three of us made sauteed leeks with mushrooms, Kroketten and Bratwurst. Again I felt like a teenager, aside from the vegetables.

We watched the movie Babe that night (the German version with the cuter voice), and then we went to sleep.

My sister had to go to work in the morning, but Kean and I got to sleep in to our usual time of about noon. We got up to meet my sister at Cafe Eichh�rnchen one more time to say good-bye. We all thought that Cafe Eichh�rnchen with its proximity to my sister's apartment was the perfect meeting spot, what with all the talk of freshly fucked squirrels the week before.

After hugging my sister good-bye, Kean and I got on the U-Bahn to the train station and took a train to M�nster. We were going to go for a walk, either around the Aasee or around the Promenade. We opted for the Promenade because it was closer to the train station. We soon veered off it though because Kean wanted to see the anabaptist cages. After paying respect to them, we sat down for a rest at Cafe Extrablatt and people-watched.

Eventually we made it back to the train station and took a train back to Nordwalde, where my parents live. We briefly considered staying on the train all the way to Enschede, Netherlands and go to a coffee shop because that's a lovely experience we just can't get in the U.S. or in Germany. But since it was our last night on this trip, we still had to pack, and we had to catch a flight at 6:30am the next morning, we opted against it with one little tear. My mom picked us up at the station. I keep mentioning all the pick-ups and drop-offs because they are rare for me, and I really appreciate them. It's nice to be spoiled with rides once in a while.

My brother and his girlfriend Anna came over that night, and the two of them and Kean and I had champagne and Hefeweizen until it was way past our bedtime. I really enjoyed the company and didn't want to go to bed. I didn't want this trip to end. I usually look forward to coming back "home" to America when I am in Germany, but not this time. I wanted to stay just a little longer.

Anna slept in my old room that night and actually got up at 4 in the morning because she wanted to go to the airport with us. I thought that was super sweet and something I would never do, and apparently my brother wouldn't either because he stayed in bed. He and I did come from the same vagina after all. (This is something I got a kick out of throughout the trip: Kean and I are always talking about how people are so different from each other because they all come from different vaginas. Well, that doesn't apply to my sister or my brother because we did come from the same vagina.)

So it was my mom and Anna who took us to the airport. I was super tired and discontent the entire way home. I did not want to be on that plane. I watched Changeling on the plane and the Dutchess, and Kean and I watched Dark Knight together. I don't know what happened to my critical faculties, but I thought they were all amazing.

We arrived in San Francisco at 3pm local time, and we went straight to my house and to bed. We slept from about 4pm until about 2am. That's when we were wide awake again, so we made some food and played a silly card game. It was a wonderful play date in the middle of the night. We went back to sleep around 6am and slept until 9. I don't know why these times are important to mention but it felt awesome to have such an unusual schedule. By the time we woke up at 9am we felt like normal human beings again.

Around 3pm we went to Caffe Trieste in North Beach because that is a neighborhood we never go to, and we wanted to feel like we were still in a strange city. Also, Caffe Trieste is Italian-themed, and we took a minute there to pay homage to our good friend Giampaolo.

And now we are back to our regularly scheduled programs. Kean is at work, and I am blogging.

The end is near

2009-03-17T11:44:00.001-07:00

We are leaving tomorrow, and I am sad. I am not ready to go back to my regularly scheduled program.

I told my mom that I used to jump out of the bathroom window to stay out all night when I was 15. I had been wanting to make that confession for years.

Also, in observation of Z-Day, Kean and I watched Zeitgeist with my sister.

A more detailed report of the last few days will follow.

Hallo aus Berlin

2009-03-12T13:15:00.000-07:00

Our second night in K�ln was very calm. Kean actually slept from about 8pm to 1am while I watched about eight episodes of Friends with my sister. When Kean finally woke up, we watched Apocalypto, and then we went to sleep. The next morning we barely had time for breakfast before it was time to head back to the train station. My sister walked us there, and she was very sad that we were leaving. She felt that it was too soon and frankly, so did I.

My mom picked us up at the train station, and we headed straight to my grandmother's house. Kean got to play on the playground that I used to play on when I was little, while my grandma and I watched from her window.

We had plans to go to my aunt's that night but I was really, really tired, so I called her. She was feeling really, really tired too and was actually happy to postpone our visit to the next day. So instead, Kean went to bed early again, and I watched a movie with my parents about a German conductor who was being tried for being a Nazi after WWII. After that I watched a movie about the German actress Hildegard Knef, who had fought in WWII. I am not sure what all of this information about artists during the Nazi regime was trying to tell me, but it inspired me to ask some questions the next day.

I found out from my parents that neither set of my grandparents had been members of the Nazi party. It was actually required by law at the time to join the Nazi party because it was a totalitarian government. My dad estimated that about 80% of all Germans were part of the Nazi party, whether they really believed in the Nazis or were just trying to avoid punishment. But none of my grandparents ever joined. It made me proud of them.

I also found out that my mother's father most likely killed some people during the war as he was fighting on the frontline. My father's father, on the other hand, most likely did not kill anyone because he was mostly involved with reading enemy plane positions and passing them on. Some of those planes were then shot down but he didn't shoot them down himself and was only an aid in finding out where they were. I don't know why I had never really thought about this before. I had always known that both of my grandfathers had been soldiers in the war, but it really hit me this time: My mother's father was a killer; my father's father a killing aid. It's intense.

That day I also went for a walk in the rain with Kean, I dropped off some flowers and chocolates at my dentist's office to thank her for treating me, and then Kean and I stopped by my friend Sandy's house. She and I used to live on the same street and were really close friends between the ages of 4 and about 14. After that we kind of lost touch, and for the last decade or so I had thought that we didn't really have much in common anymore and didn't feel a need to contact her. But lately I am realizing how important and how special childhood friends are. The relationship you have with childhood friends is so unique; nobody else can ever really give you that again. So we visited Sandy in the house she now lives in with her husband, and we got to meet her one-and-a-half-year-old daughter, Sarah. At first it was a little awkward, but then it got more interesting because we started talking about "back in the day." She told me that she had lots of happy and fun memories of me. She also said that on the day I went to the mental hospital, she and Mone later stopped by my house to pick me up for going ice skating. Apparently my dad told them that I was in the hospital and that they didn't know when I was coming back. Sandy told me that she and Mone both started crying. This was the first time (that I remember now) that I heard about this ice skating pick-up incident, and it really touched me. Afterwards in the car, I cried. I felt sad about a lost friendship, about lost innocence, and about the thing that ruined my childhood - the mental illness episode.

Next, we drove straight to my aunt's house, where we talked about the year 2012, and then we had a beer with my cousin Johannes. Also, my aunt gave me a beautiful sparkly black ring that looks just like a queen's ring. "For Death Guild", she said.

When we got back to my parents' house, we had some Spaghetti Bolognese, which my dad had made for us at my request. Then my brother and his girlfriend came over, and we all had lots of champagne and chatted the night away. My cousin Johannes joined us for a while too, and when my aunt came by to pick up Johannes, she stayed and chatted for a little too. It was really fun, especially for me, I imagine. At first we were mostly joking around and talking about funny things - my family is really into humor. But then I asked my brother something I have been meaning to ask him for years. I asked him what it was like for him when I had to go to the mental hospital. He said that that whole time sucked ass for him, which I already knew was the case for my whole family. It was just an unhappy time because I was so unhappy and was constantly making that clear to everyone. But my brother said that he remembers being in the car with us when my parents drove me to the hospital. He was six years old. And he wanted us to turn around. He wanted to say "Hey, this is not right. I think we need to turn around. We can work this out. Let's not leave her at the hospital." But of course he didn't say anything. It really touched me that my brother had this feeling of wrongness about my going to the hospital. I had no idea.

My brother, Kean and I were the last people left. After we were done with champagne, we had some Erdinger. one of my favorite German Hefeweizens. We stayed up until about 2am.

The next morning my mom drove me and Kean to Rheine so we could catch our train to Berlin. The train ride took almost four hours. We rode the subway to Giampaolo's house. He is a really nice Italian guy I had found on couchsurfing.com, who speaks some English and some German and was willing to host us for three nights. The cool thing is that his place is about two blocks from my friend Maxi's place with whom I had stayed the last time I was in Berlin. So I was already familiar with the neighborhood.

After meeting Giampaolo and seeing our room, which was amazingly colorful and psychedelically themed, Kean and I went for a walk and decided to see if Maxi still lived there. I had emailed her a few weeks before leaving and asked her if we could stay with her, but she had never gotten back to me. We rang her door bell, which still had her name on it, but there was no answer. But I remembered that her office was in the same building complex and housed within her boyfriend's company. So I rang the door bell for her boyfriend's company and was told that Maxi was "on the fourth floor now." So we went to the fourth floor, and sure enough, one of the doors had her name on it. We knocked, and Maxi answered the door. She said "Vera!" She was completely surprised. She said she had never received my email and had no idea that I was going to be in town. But she said she wanted to take us out for dinner on Friday.

That night we went to a Breakcore party with Giampaolo and his friend and co-worker Marcello, whom we had met earlier. They both work out of Giampaolo's home. The music was okay--I like breakcore but find it hard to dance to--and unfortunately I was feeling really, really tired again. Kean and I left the club around 1am and noticed that the subway wasn't running anymore. So we had a Currywurst, which was very spicy and delicious, and then went back to the club so that Giampaolo could show us how to walk home. When I was finally able to lay my head on the pillow in our colorful room, it was a very happy moment.

We slept in and then made some breakfast at Giampaolo's. He and Marcello were already up and working on their computers. Giampaolo made me some Italian coffee - yum! Then Kean and I went to ride the S-Bahn all around Berlin. Giampaolo said it was a great way to get a cheap sightseeing tour. We got off it at certain places to go shopping. Kean found some new pants and gloves at some gothy stores. We also had a delicious Danish hot dog and some delicious soup at a place called Hot Dog Soup, which really hit the spot.

Now it's 10pm, and we're back at Giampaolo's place, and we might go to this place later.

The journey so far

2009-03-07T02:02:00.000-08:00

The ten hour flight from San Francisco to Paris went by surprisingly fast. We had met a very nice Parisian girl at the San Francisco airport who, once in Paris, got on the same bus with us to make sure we were in the right place. We got off the bus at the Opera House and said our good-byes. We were tired but not debilitatingly so.

From the Opera House we walked over to the Louvre. Near the Louvre, we had some sandwiches at a place that felt like the French version of Subway. I was a little disappointed in our choice of eatery because I had been entertaining fantasies of dining at a typical Parisian cafe. From the Louvre Rivoli metro station, we took two different metros over to the Eiffel Tower. We hung out there for a little bit, took some pictures and then took the metro back to the Arc de Triomphe. From the Arc de Triomphe, we were able to see my favorite Parisian arch, the more modern Grande Arche de la D�fense.

I took French in school for six years but haven't used it much in recent years. I was surprised how much French I remembered; yet almost every time I tried to speak French with a Parisian, they started speaking English to me right away. It made me feel sad and incapable.

Near the Arc de Triomphe we did sit in a typical Parisian cafe for about half an hour. It had sun shining into it through its glass walls. We were tired.

Around 5:15pm local time we got on an Air France coach to take us back to the airport. There was some frustration because our terminal seemed to be a new terminal and was difficult to get to. We did finally find it, and we still had plenty of time before our departure to M�nster-Osnabr�ck.

We took off about 20 minutes late, and the plane was very small - one of those with two seats on one side and only one on the other. But we made up the delay in the air and still arrived in M�nster on time.

We were greeted at the airport by my sister, my mom, my dad and my brother's girlfriend Anna. (My brother couldn't make it because he was out of town for his job.) They had brought a bottle of champagne and some cups, and they opened it right there in the airport terminal!

Then we all went to my parents' house where we had more champagne, and suddenly I wasn't feeling so tired anymore. I think we shared three bottles, and then we went to sleep around 12:30. Kean and I decided not to sleep in my room but in our party room in the basement because it has a double mattress, whereas my own room only has a little tiny bed. I slept really really well until about 10am the next morning. That's when I had to get up because I had a dentist appointment at 11.

It was really nice to see my old dentist. I don't have any insurance in Germany anymore but she said that things were "taken care of" and that my dad had an appointment with her soon and that she would talk to him about how much I was going to pay, if any. Ha! I had secretly been hoping for a scenario like this, and I got it. My teeth are okay, and I feel relieved.

In the afternoon Kean and I took a nap, and in the evening he and I and my sister went to see my friend Julia for a little bit, who was also at her parents' house. Then Kean, my sister and I had a beer at a bar in the town where we used to go to school. Then we went back to our parents' house and had more beer and some very delicious potato chips. Sometimes I feel like a teenager when I'm back in Germany, getting excited about sleepovers with chips and candy.

The next "morning", our dad took us all out to a restaurant where they serve gigantic Schnitzel. My brother met us there too, and it was so great to see him and hear him talk about a presentation he had just given at a conference in Zurich. Kean ordered the restaurant's specialty, the Westfalenschnitzel. It comes on a platter the size of a small coffee table. We joked that the Westfalenschnitzel was like a test for all of my American boyfriends. Kean fared really well - he finished almost the entire platter.

After lunch, my brother took us on a little tour of M�nster, and then he dropped my sister, Kean and me off at the station because we were going to K�ln, where my sister lives. On the train, my sister taught us a German expression that even I had never heard before: Du siehst aus wie ein frisch gev�geltes Eichh�rnchen. It means: You look like a freshly fucked squirrel. It was one of the funniest expressions I had ever heard of. You use it when somebody looks really elated and kind of out of it.

The train dropped us off in K�ln around 5:30pm, and we walked from the station to my sister's place, where we were greeted by her boyfriend, Wolfgang, who now lives there too. We had a lot of fun that evening, drinking a variety of German beers - K�lsch, Hefeweizen and Pils, eating more delicious potato chips and later eating Pommes. Yum yum yum. The four of us also went to a playground in the middle of the night, where we spent a lot of time on the zipline. Much giggling and squealing was to be had. We all sounded like the aforementioned squirrels.

Kean and I slept in their living-room on my sister's very comfortable and very colorful fold-out couch. Benny and Joon was our bedtime movie. When we were lying down, and the movie was just starting, I said to Kean that life doesn't get better than this. Having just had a very fun night, now lying on a very comfortable bed next to my favorite person at my sister's place with a cute movie playing, I was feeling very happy and comfortable.

We were woken up by my sister around 12:45pm because she had signed us up for a partner yoga class at 2pm. We had a quick breakfast and then took a cab over to the yoga studio because it was raining. The partner yoga class lasted for three hours and was absolutely amazing. Kean was my partner, and Bianca had her friend Iris there. Wolfgang didn't go because he had never done yoga before. We did a lot of very fun and challenging partner poses. There was a lot of laugther and some really good stretches.

Now it is evening, and we just had dinner. Tomorrow Kean and I take a train back to where my parents live, and next up is Berlin.

Bodies

2009-03-03T19:08:00.000-08:00

Last night I danced with the mushroom goddess at Death Guild, and I was reminded of something I too often forget: I am a beautiful and amazing person, and I have absolutely no reason to ever feel self-conscious.*

Death Guild is a fascinating and glamorous place where I feel well-liked and accepted; yet it is also fraught with complex emotions for me, many of which contain a level of discomfort and yes, self-consciousness.

Is my dancing automated?
Do I look uncomfortable while dancing?
Am I too serious?
Why do I always have such deep conversations with people; why can't I just flirt for once?
Is that girl trying to steal Kean?
Do I have to talk to that person?
Should I introduce my lovers to each other?

These are some of the things whirling around in my head on any given Death Guild night. These questions came up last night, but the uncomfortable feelings associated with them were largely absent because I recognized the truth: I have no reason to doubt any of what I'm doing, thinking or feeling. I must dance with the mushroom goddess at least once a month, so that I have a regular refresher of the truth.

At one point I noticed that one of my lovers was secretly watching me dance, and he didn't seem to feel self-conscious about it either. I enjoyed that a lot.

A friend asked me what I would do if I had magical powers. I replied that one of the first things I would do is make modifications to my own body, such as grow wings, grow claws and grow horns.

The same friend had recently confessed to me that he liked the smell of armpits, which I do as well. I asked him if he wanted to lick my armpit, and he did, and then he did. I am not ready to die yet because I haven't given and received enough armpit licking yet.

Kean wrote on my leg "Mein Psychopatchen." It means "my little psychopath."

Before we left that night, we had dyed each other's hair black. Mine was already black, but my roots needed to be redone. Kean's hair looks amazing right now. A couple of days ago I had given him a new "for Germany" haircut, as requested by him. Sometimes I can't believe how delicious he is.

Also on the subject of shared grooming: When we got home, I was more tired than Kean was, so he took off all my make-up with some cleansing cloths while I was already starting to fall asleep. I love it when he does that.

I feel like this post is going to inspire a lot of judgments in people reading it. Go ahead, judge me. And then look in the mirror, please. I am doing the best I can, just like you.

I am second-guessing myself on whether to post all of these very personal truths that hold a lot of meaning for me right now. And I know that in the future I am going to love reading this post because of its honesty and shamelessness.**

*If you find yourself tempted to say "Well, duh, of course you are", don't. I know that you sometimes forget too.

**I mean, yes, there is shame but not enough for me not to post it.

"Vera words"

2009-02-25T20:34:00.001-08:00

"Vera words"
Originally uploaded by Verabug

My lovely friend Sarah sent me this image with the words:

"I just found this really neat site, and made this image from your most recent blog entries."