Verabug

A wake-up call

2010-03-11T13:24:00.001-08:00

The other day I woke from a nightmare involving a cat that wanted to eat me, and I couldn't go back to sleep. As I lay there, restless and anxious, something was brought before my eyes in capital letters:

I DON'T LIKE RESPONSIBILITY.

I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE EXPECT THINGS FROM ME.

That's why I stopped speaking at conferences. That's why I only do short-term contracts. That's why I don't do all that many counseling sessions. That's why I haven't taught another workshop. That's why I haven't started a podcast.

How am I going to change the world with this attitude? Very subtly and slowly. I think the world deserves more than that from me. I think I deserve more than that from the world.

These two capital-letter dislikes have led to the sabotage and atrophy of several aspects of the work I do. And I definitely dislike that. I am hoping that now that I have recognized this, I will inspire and motivate myself to move forward.

And then yesterday I got this amazing email from my sister. She's a yoga teacher in training and excited about teaching some of her first yoga classes. I was like "Excited? Not scared? Not terrified of the responsibility, freaked out by the expectations, dreading the moment of having all eyes and ears on you?"

And she said "I actually have fun teaching, as long as it's about things that I find important and interesting. I look forward to it! In that case I like taking and having that responsibility because that's how I can make a difference."

Of course! That makes so much sense. I don't know how to get myself to feel that way too, but the intention is there. I'm sure I have heard other people say the same thing about teaching, but somehow, hearing it from my sister makes it feel more accessible to me.

An imagined crisis

2010-03-10T08:08:00.000-08:00

I have been plagued by obsessive fear-based future thinking for a few weeks. I am worried that I am never going to own a house.

Back in 2003 my biggest future-related fear was losing my job at Macromedia. A little over a year later this became a non-issue because I started losing interest in the job and ended up leaving it myself.

Then and now, these fears are based on thoughts I keep thinking and believing. In 2003 it was "If I lost my job, that would be bad." Was that really true? It ended up not being true, and I never actually had to deal in physical reality with what I feared. Today it is "I am never going to own a house." Is that true? Also, "If I never owned a house, that would be bad." Is that true?

Life keeps surprising me with the turns it takes. I am curious to see how it's going to resolve this one.

Thursday playlist

2010-03-06T20:17:00.000-08:00

While Kean is in Olympia, I sometimes take over for him as DJ at Noc Noc on Thursday evenings. This week I played a really dark and dirty set that I am proud of. I also really enjoyed ending it on a light and cute note with my favorite Deee-Lite song.

Enduser - Positioned (feat. Nongenetic of Shadow Hunterz)
Edgey - Descent
Rekahoe - A Certain Degree of Shame
Foreign Beggars - Bollocks (feat. Dubbledge & Vex'd)
Stephen James Knight (Edgey) - For You
Evol Intent - Era of Diversion
Rekahoe - To Procreate With Gods
Edgey - Reflection Imperfection
Enduser - Rights of Passage
Vex'd - Thunder
Distance - Traffic
Search & Destroy - Desperate Measures
Distance - Fallen (Vex'd Remix)
Broken Note - Meltdown
Architect - A Perfect Kiss, No Tongue
Vex'd - Killing Floor
Orphx - The Distancing
Skream - Rutten
Deee-Lite - Picnic in the Summertime

A welcome compliment

2010-02-19T10:47:00.000-08:00

A friend emailed me yesterday. He was looking to get some perspective on non-monogamous relationships. He said "You're one of the few people I know who has been trying this for a while and seems to have their mental bearings straight."

I think I'm going to let that sink in: I got this.

A Washington weekend

2010-02-17T16:15:00.000-08:00

I was in Washington over the weekend, visiting Kean who is staying there for the month of February, helping his mom settle into her new home in Olympia. I arrived Friday night and stayed until Monday evening.

Over the course of the weekend, we went for some walks in the rain and moss, cooked dinner for ourselves and Kean's mom, did yoga on the living-room floor, read each other poetry we found online, watched a silly movie and enjoyed each other's company after having been apart for about ten days.

On Sunday, Valentine's Day, we borrowed Kean's mom's car and drove to Seattle for the day. First we had lunch at a vegan restaurant. Then we met up with my good friend and high school boyfriend, Brent, in the U-District. I hadn't seen him in about four years. We had coffee at Trabant and chatted. Then we walked around on University Ave. and the campus. As I caught myself sometimes laughing very loudly, I realized how excited and happy I was to be around Brent. It reminded me of a recent time when I had dropped Kean off in Santa Cruz to spend some time with his high school crush. There had been a bounce in his step and a giggle in his voice, and it had made me envious. "I don't ever get that excited about being around someone," I had thought sadly.

But I do. Or at least I did on Sunday. It felt good to reconnect with Brent, to laugh at old jokes, to tease each other and to consolidate the past with the present.

After saying good-bye to Brent, we tardily made our way to Capitol Hill to visit Ariel, Andreas, Sassafras and Tavi. I had seen many photos and videos of Sassafras and Tavi, and it was a treat to get to meet them in person. We ate soup and chatted for a few hours, and it made me happy to see Kean so interested in talking about parenting. I think the usual barrier Kean perceives between himself and breeders was absent because he was able to genuinely relate to Ariel and Andreas as human beings with a parenting experience. It's also worth noting that a circle has closed in that back in 2001, when I first started reading Ariel's blog, she was living in Olympia.

Hanging out with an ex-boyfriend and brand-new parents is not the most romantic way to spend Valentine's Day, but nonetheless it was a day filled with love!

The fifth year of Psychic Valentines

2010-02-09T17:10:00.000-08:00

It's Psychic Valentines season again! The orders have started rolling in, and I have started answering questions. I love this little service of mine. Sometimes I wish it was going on all year, and not just for a short time in the spring. I'll have to find a way to make it more applicable to the rest of the year.

Some updates about my whereabouts

2010-02-07T21:12:00.000-08:00

I started a new job this week at the company that makes Flash. Yes, I am back for the third time. This time it's a three-month contract until the end of April.

As soon as I locked this in, I booked some trips. I am going to Olympia, Washington from Feb. 12 to 15. It's a long weekend because that Monday is President's Day. I am visiting Kean and his mom. Kean is helping her move to Olympia and is staying there for the rest of the month. I miss him.

I also booked a trip to Germany for two weeks in May. I am going alone this time and am very excited about spending quality time with family and friends.

Growth

2010-01-26T17:27:00.000-08:00

I am really happy today. Kean spent the night with someone else last night, and for the first time in our two+ year relationship I can honestly say that I am genuinely happy for him. Pure compersion is here at last.

It took many months and a lot of pain and tears and long, difficult conversations to get here, but I knew that I eventually would. During all those times in the past when I was freaking out, feeling overwhelmed and losing sleep, I kept my faith that I would eventually find beauty and love at the end of all of that. That's why I didn't give up, no matter how hard it was sometimes. And beauty and love is what I finally found, first in my new relationship with Jeremy, and now in the feelings of compersion I have about Kean.

This morning, whenever I thought about Kean and his lover, I felt good. I was hoping that they were having a great time. For the first time, I didn't hope that they wouldn't have sex, and for the first time I didn't hope that, if they did have sex, it wasn't very good. This time, I sincerely hoped that it was good, whatever they were doing. And this was the first time that I didn't feel the need to call Kean as soon as I thought he might be up to find out what had happened. Instead I happily allowed him to call me. I even went for periods of time where I didn't think about them at all. And I was okay with the likelihood that he is going to be thinking about her a lot this week, and that he is probably feeling really good when he does. I am so glad that I can be finally be happy for him and his lovers. I have been striving for this for so long.

What helps is that our communication has gotten a lot better.
What helps is that I knew about his intentions beforehand, and that I had given my blessing.
What helps is that I know her, and that they have been involved before.
What helps is that I have another partner and am thus not feeling left out.

Growth is a beautiful thing.

Art Attack

2010-01-24T15:24:00.001-08:00

IMG_9832resized
Originally uploaded by Paolo Diavolo

Jeremy was in an awesome fashion show for Wisp-Her Wear on Thursday. More photos here.

The slow evolution of my apartment

2010-01-19T13:35:00.000-08:00

You may remember when my bed received a make-over from red/orange/pink to black/white. Since then I have had other subtle changes, such as the towels in my bathroom turning from green to black. And now my closet has gotten rearranged.

Shortly after moving into my current apartment a little over four years ago, my main bedroom closet looked like a rainbow. My tops were sorted by color, from yellow to orange to red to pink/purple to blue to green. I kept the few black and white clothes I had tucked away in my hallway closet because I never wore them. Then I slowly started accumulating more and more black clothes. It was annoying to have to access my hallway closet, but I put up with it for over two years.

Now my bedroom closet looks like this. I rearranged both closets recently. All my black stuff is now in my bedroom, as well as some of the blue stuff. All the green and yellow and pink that I hardly wear anymore is, still sorted by color, in the hallway closet.

I wonder what's next. Maybe I'll swap out my blue dresser for a black one or my green desk for something darker. But I'm pretty sure that I'd move before changing my bright colorful walls.

Negotiation of terms

2010-01-18T18:46:00.000-08:00

Kean, Jeremy and I got together last night to discuss the terms of our relationship. This was the first time that all three of us talked openly about things together. Before that it was either Kean and I or Jeremy and I.

From the beginning of our relationship, Kean and I had had this unspoken agreement that when we are out somewhere together, we go home together. Neither of us has ever broken this because we both felt that it was rude and hurtful to go home with someone else in such a situation. But now that Jeremy and I have a serious relationship, this agreement doesn't work for Jeremy. It hurts him to think that I will always go home with Kean when the three of us are all at the same event.

So last night during our discussion, Jeremy addressed Kean and said
"I am madly in love with Vera. I know that the two of you are also in love, and I don't want to get in the way of that. When we are all at a party together, I don't want to have to hide my feelings. I want to be able to hug and kiss her and tell her how much I love her. And I also want to be able to go home with her once in a while when we are all out together."

As Jeremy was saying all of this, Kean just watched him reverently and nodded once in a while. The situation made my heart melt.

Kean said that Jeremy definitely didn't have to hide his feelings and that it was okay for us to express our love in public and in front of him, that he would rather we do it openly than hide it. He only asked that we don't do it when he is in the process of talking or dancing or connecting with me.

He also said that he was fine with me going home with Jeremy instead of himself once in a while, as long as we make sure that he has a ride home. He suggested that we always decide before the actual event and make sure that everybody is on the same page and consents.

Then the three of us watched a movie together, and then Kean went home while I stayed with Jeremy.

Jeremy and Kean like and admire and respect each other a lot, which makes it all work. They genuinely care about each other and about me. There is no rivalry, but sometimes there are feelings of hurt and abandonment. We all try to make sure that everybody is getting enough love and attention and is getting what they want out of this. Kean knows that Jeremy adds to my happiness, and that's why he continues to give his blessing to our relationship. And Jeremy fully respects my relationship with Kean and wants to see it last, even if under different circumstances, he might prefer to be monogamous.

It might seem obvious that I am getting the best deal out of this, but I also think that I am the person this is most difficult for. I am constantly worried that one or both of them is feeling neglected or hurt or jealous, but I think I need to just stop worrying because both of them seem to be much more mature and supportive than I could muster myself. I can only hope that all three of us are growing from this into more loving people every day.

New comments system

2010-01-17T18:44:00.000-08:00

The comment host (Haloscan) I had been using for the last few years decided to start charging, so I opted out. I am now using Blogger's built-in comment system. Unfortunately this means that all of your past comments have now disappeared from my site. But I hope you know that they live on in my memories.

Intentions for 2010

2009-12-31T17:55:00.000-08:00

A wonderful friend said to me yesterday: "I bet you have some kick-ass intentions for 2010, and that you're going to make them all come true." I do know that I am very happy with what I have right now, and that is a great way to start a new year.

So here we go:
- Experience and practice abundance.
- Be a spiritual and emotional guide for others.
- Be a loving and supportive partner to myself and my partner(s).
- Take steps toward writing my first book.
- Listen to the uncomfortable spot in my back and let it guide me to yoga or whatever else is needed to relieve stress.
- Listen to my muses and create, create, create.
- Continue to accept that I love coffee! Yes, I do.
- Continue to accept that I like to go to bed early sometimes.
- Get involved in professional partnership(s).
- Finish reconciling my new values with my past.

New, biodegradable phone

2009-12-29T16:25:00.000-08:00

It has been almost three years since I got a new phone, and I finally just upgraded. For over two years I had thought that my next phone was going to be an iPhone, but I was wrong. I decided to stick with Sprint and choose from one of their smartphones. What I got was the Samsung Reclaim, which is biodegradable and made almost exclusively out of recyclable materials. It arrived at my house yesterday in a nice brown package made out of recycled materials.

It was free for me with a new two-year contract, and I have a better "data" plan now which is slightly cheaper than my old plan. The reason I have a data plan now is that I can do all kinds of data stuff with my new phone! Like:

- Read and write email
- Read and write Facebook messages and status updates
- Get directions
- Find nearby coffee shops, yoga studios, etc. (it has GPS)
- Do Google searches and surf the web

It's funny because I have been wanting to do all these things with my phone for YEARS, and several times I had gotten a new phone expecting to be able to do those things, but for some reason it never worked out the way I had hoped. This time, though, I really am able to do all those things - I tried!

And once again, I am said that I can't transfer my text messages from one phone to the next. My old phone and I have been through a lot together. I was completely heart-broken when I first got it; then I slowly started healing. I have gone through all its different-colored face plates, starting with green, then pink, then blue, then black, and in the end back to green. It has an editable little greeting message on the main screen, which sometime in 2007 I changed to "I'm gonna bite you." A few months later I changed it to "It's okay," and that's still what it says today. Because it is.

Mysterious present

2009-12-23T08:45:00.000-08:00

Thank you to whomever sent me the book Dear Diary
from my wishlist. There was no note to tell me who sent it.

So much love

2009-12-16T16:22:00.000-08:00

On my birthday earlier this year I had set the intention "to spread love and to surround myself and my life with love." I decided to use "<33" as a symbol of that, which embodies both the number 33 (my new age) and a double heart. My friend Lizzy had given me a gift bag for my birthday, which had lots of <33's on it, and on which she had written "Verabug is loved and full of love."

And that is becoming truer than ever. When in the past there have been many times where I felt a lack of love, where I was hurting and feeling needy and deprived, I now have two men in my life that I absolutely adore and who adore me. My new boyfriend, Jeremy, and I confessed our love to each other last night, and it was probably the most honest and true and mutual confession of love I have ever experienced. And of course there is also Kean whom I still love just as much, if not more than before. When I told Kean that Jeremy and I were in love, his reaction was

"I am happy. You are spreading more love in the world, and I think you're a good person to do that."

I am pretty sure that I would not be able to feel as positively if Kean fell in love with someone else, but I am willing to cross that bridge when we get there because I know that Kean will hold my hand, much like I am holding his now.

Jeremy's presence has definitely made me more relaxed and supportive with respect to Kean's external affairs. Since I now feel especially loved and taken care of, where there was a lot of jealousy, fear and insecurity before, I now feel a lot more encouraging and benevolent about Kean having other lovers. Both Kean and I see this as a very positive development.

This situation is not free of complications and challenges, but in a way, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Just wrote a heartfelt email

2009-11-22T18:14:00.001-08:00

It's to a really cool and nice guy I used to know back in Germany who was a few years older than me and sometimes talked to me on the school bus. Here is the translation of the email I sent him:

I have been wanting to thank you because you helped me out a lot in school back then. I don't even remember which graduating year you were, but it was probably in 1992 or 1993. You were probably in 13th grade and I in 10th or 11th? I had really low self-esteem back then and felt out of place constantly. I just felt really uncomfortable in my skin and didn't feel very connected to or appreciated by other people at school.

But I remember that you would sometimes sit next to me on the bus and talk to me as if I was a perfectly normal and respectable person. I didn't take something like that for granted back then, and it meant a lot to me. You were popular and respected by just about everybody, and unlike other people, you didn't feel too cool to talk to me. I am starting to cry now - things sure were difficult for me during those times.

I realize now that the reason people didn't respect me enough back then was that I didn't respect myself enough. And that's why I want to thank you - I felt like you respected me even when I couldn't respect myself. I thought "If Markus Peter talks to me, I can't be that bad." It gave me hope.

It feels so good to write emails like that. I can't recommend it enough.

Happiness squared

2009-11-18T16:44:00.000-08:00

Today I said to Kean:

"I am feeling kind of guilty because yesterday I sent an email to [my other lover] and told him that he makes me happy."

And Kean said:

"Oh, really? Aww, I'm glad he makes you happy and that he knows that now."

Wow. I continue to be amazed by how generous and supportive Kean is. I am so lucky.

The perfect new job

2009-11-10T16:46:00.000-08:00

I have been talking to a technology giant for a few months. After a couple of interviews, a language test and lots of phone calls, I am now finally their new part-time back-up German linguist. They already have one full-time German linguist on site in San Jose, but I get to work part-time and remotely. Once in a while I will have to go to San Jose to do work there, which I have already done twice, and both times it was a nice little mini road trip adventure.

Each week they would like to know what my availability is. Based on my availability, they will then assign overflow projects to me which the full-time German linguist doesn't have enough time for. She is pretty swamped right now, so I can pretty much work as much or as little as I want. The projects are translation projects that need to be reviewed. They are mostly technical documents that have been translated by a translation company. My job is to review the translation and point out any typos, grammatical errors, mistranslations and deviations from the company's linguistic style. I get to work from the comfort of my own home or my favorite coffee shop.

This is such a perfect arrangement, I can barely believe it's true. But I believe it.

Just so you know

2009-11-05T08:16:00.000-08:00

My most played artists on last.fm are, in order:

Autechre
The Cure
Enduser
Klute
Beefcake
Depeche Mode
Lamb
Apoptygma Berzerk

I can support that.

The Return of Intoner

2009-11-03T18:50:00.001-08:00

Last night was a very special night. I had only been to Death Guild once since June. But last night Intoner, my favorite DJ of the last two years, was back at Death Guild for the first time since April. He had been in Berlin for six months, but now he is finally back. Death Guild just hadn't been the same without him, so I had stopped going.

So last night I went back to Death Guild, and it was an incredible night. Kean, Sarah and I coordinated a "Welcome back, Elliott" card (that's his real name). Kean made a design in Photoshop, Sarah printed it out, and then Kean and I got lots of people to sign it at the club. One time, as I was running after somebody I wanted to sign the card, I ran into someone in the doorway. He said hey and I said hey, and then he hugged me, and then he said "I'm coming on, like, right now." Apparently it was Elliott. "Oh," I said, "I am coming too then," holding the card behind his back while in his embrace.

As soon as Elliott came on at 12:30 on the upstairs dance floor, it was completely packed, and it didn't stop until 2:30. I stayed on the dance floor the entire time. Even when he played a less-than-stellar song, I could not stop dancing because I was just so happy to have him back. He played some old gems that I had danced to before and also some new stuff. Towards the end he played Hardcore Vibes by Dune, which I remembered from the 90's in Germany. Dune is actually from my home city M�nster. I think I was one of the few people on the dance floor who had ever heard that track before.

When I have been asked lately what my current favorite music is, I haven't really known what to answer. But I think I figured out now that it's syncopated breakcore. Breakcore is not normally syncopated which is why I have been hesitant to mention it as my favorite music because I can't stand how discontinuous it often is. But when it's syncopated, it's currently one of my absolute favorites to dance to. Example artists are Enduser and DJ Hidden. I also want to mention Architect, Rekahoe and Orphx as some artists I am really into right now. All this stuff is definitely drum&bass- and industrial-influenced, filthy and experimental. I also see them being put in the categories of grime (which seems to be a British thing), dubstep and darkstep. I think I am slowly starting to figure out how to identify my favorite music. Listen to this if you want a taste.

A funny little Halloween anecdote

2009-11-03T13:32:00.000-08:00

When I was putting together my ?on Flux costume, I thought of this hoodie I used to have that I knew would be the perfect candidate for cutting up to make ?on's top. I knew that I had cut the pockets out of that hoodie already but I also knew that I would have kept the rest of it for other purposes because I always do. But I looked in all of my places where I keep scrap fabric and I couldn't find it. I was so sure I had it though.. and then I spotted the hood string of that hoodie. The hood had become the headpiece for my AutoReiv costume last year. In a hunch, I took apart the whole thing and sure enough - I had used the rest of the hoodie to stuff and round out the headpiece. Ha! I love that I had to take apart last year's costume to make this year's one.

Happy Hallowed Full Moon

2009-11-01T19:50:00.000-08:00

I had a lovely, lovely Halloween. That morning I woke up in a new lover's arms.

That night I got to spook people out, in a loving way, with a big troupe of 40 Bad Unkl Sista performers at Spider Ball. I was wearing the costume of a sort of sexy Victorian executioner. I got to crawl across the dance floor with a wooden statue of a giraffe. These two girls started dancing with me and said "Our friend is really scared of you." This inspired me to get up on the balcony (which was accessible to performers only) and walk--float, rather--along it and back very slowly, like a ghost.

At midnight we had our main procession and performance, in which we got to hold over six minutes of stillness (I always love the stillness segments; they are very meditative and almost therapeutic), and at the end, we got to slide/melt down a set of stairs. I loved sliding down the stairs - there is something so uncivilized about it.

?on Flux
Originally uploaded by Verabug

After the midnight performance, I quickly slipped into my ?on Flux outfit and took BART over to the East Bay to meet Kean and then go to the Otherworld party. I loved my ?on Flux costume probably about as much as the trashy princess one from two years ago. It made me feel lanky and as if I had miles-long limbs. One time I was stretching in front of a mirror, and this girl I didn't know started copying all my stretches; it was too cute.

Being at this party was somewhat of a sweet memory trip because two years ago, Kean and I had spent a lot of time together at the Otherworld Halloween party (when I was wearing the trash bag princess dress), and that was only the third time we ever hung out together. Yes, this means that we just had our two year anniversary!

Reverse naked dreams

2009-10-18T13:11:00.000-07:00

I recently started working as a figure model for art classes. The work is very sporadic, and I enjoy it because it's physical and doesn't involve staring at a screen.

When I model for drawing classes, I usually do a variety of one minute, five minute, ten minute and twenty minute poses. For painting classes, it's usually a series of twenty minute sessions all in the same pose with breaks inbetween. For example, last Friday I did a six hour class in the same pose - twelve twenty minute sessions with breaks inbetween them.

During the lunch break, I put all of my clothes back on and went out to get something to eat. When I was undressing and getting ready to pose again, I thought about how embarrassing it would be if I forgot to take off, say, my bra and posed with my bra still on instead of fully nude.

And last night I actually had a dream about that. I dreamt that I was in a dressing room and was expected to come out and do some kind of naked performance. But when I came out, I still had my underwear on. So I had to rush back into the dressing room, tear off my underwear and then rush out again to do my performance. It was mortifying.

New Mexican Adventures

2009-09-21T21:49:00.000-07:00

I am having an amazing time in New Mexico. Yesterday Liz and I climbed on top of this ridge of rocks near Galisteo, from which you had a 360 degree view. We were in the middle of nowhere, and the clouds were amazing. At some point they got really dark on one side, and there was thunder and lightning, and you could see rain in the distance. Liz climbed down from the rocks after a while and went for a long walk away from the ridge, but I stayed on top. For a long time I saw Liz as this tiny black dot in the fields, and she saw me as a tiny black dot on top of the rocks. I had never been this far away from somebody, yet felt so close and connected. I screamed in all directions on top of the rocks. We saw a rainbow, and we both watched the sun set from our respective little black dots in the scenery.

Today we went to some hot springs in the gorge of the Rio Grande. On the way there we saw earthships and other interesting houses. There was a long hike down to the hot springs. They were right on the river. First we floated around in a lukewarm pool and then in a warmer one. When we started to feel like prunes, we considered getting out and air-drying. We had forgotten to bring towels. The wind was chilly though, so we were afraid to get out. When we did, we dried ourselves off a little with my hoodie. I was about to put on all my clothes to get warmer when I noticed that it was only chilly when you were wet. Once we were dry, it was actually really nice to be in the sun naked. We walked along the little beach of the river, hopped around on the black rocks with bare feet and did some naked yoga. At one point I found a big slanted rock in the river, and I let myself hang off of it slightly upside down. It was a really nice stretch. The hike back up was a really nice exercise.

I love being in New Mexico.