A vision
Kean and I were sitting on my roof the other night*, and he said "I miss all the trees."** And then I said that we will probably eventually move somewhere quieter and greener. We had already discussed this before, when we considered moving to Santa Cruz last year, but I don't think we're ready to make such a move yet. But I hope that one day I'll be ready for it.
And then I said "The Flash work keeps me in the city." And then I realized that the reverse is also true: "The city keeps me in the Flash work." The Flash work is the highest-paying work I do, and my apartment is expensive. As long as I live in the city, it makes sense for me to do Flash work once in a while. And if I don't live in the city?
And that's when a vision came to me. A vision of myself sitting in a coffee shop, which is one of my favorite things to do. A vision of myself sitting in a coffee shop, doing translation work AND doing intuitive counseling sessions over IM and email. I think I would really like that. I think I would really, really like that.
*Yes, Kean is back from Olympia.
**All the trees in Olympia.
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.: posted by Vera 
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Yum
Jeremy has a new Flickr account and just uploaded a bunch of delicious vanity photos.
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.: posted by Vera
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A wake-up call
The other day I woke from a nightmare involving a cat that wanted to eat me, and I couldn't go back to sleep. As I lay there, restless and anxious, something was brought before my eyes in capital letters:
I DON'T LIKE RESPONSIBILITY.
I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE EXPECT THINGS FROM ME.
That's why I stopped speaking at conferences. That's why I only do short-term contracts. That's why I don't do all that many counseling sessions. That's why I haven't taught another workshop. That's why I haven't started a podcast.
How am I going to change the world with this attitude? Very subtly and slowly. I think the world deserves more than that from me. I think I deserve more than that from the world.
These two capital-letter dislikes have led to the sabotage and atrophy of several aspects of the work I do. And I definitely dislike that. I am hoping that now that I have recognized this, I will inspire and motivate myself to move forward.
And then yesterday I got this amazing email from my sister. She's a yoga teacher in training and excited about teaching some of her first yoga classes. I was like "Excited? Not scared? Not terrified of the responsibility, freaked out by the expectations, dreading the moment of having all eyes and ears on you?"
And she said "I actually have fun teaching, as long as it's about things that I find important and interesting. I look forward to it! In that case I like taking and having that responsibility because that's how I can make a difference."
Of course! That makes so much sense. I don't know how to get myself to feel that way too, but the intention is there. I'm sure I have heard other people say the same thing about teaching, but somehow, hearing it from my sister makes it feel more accessible to me.
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.: posted by Vera
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An imagined crisis
I have been plagued by obsessive fear-based future thinking for a few weeks. I am worried that I am never going to own a house.
Back in 2003 my biggest future-related fear was losing my job at Macromedia. A little over a year later this became a non-issue because I started losing interest in the job and ended up leaving it myself.
Then and now, these fears are based on thoughts I keep thinking and believing. In 2003 it was "If I lost my job, that would be bad." Was that really true? It ended up not being true, and I never actually had to deal in physical reality with what I feared. Today it is "I am never going to own a house." Is that true? Also, "If I never owned a house, that would be bad." Is that true?
Life keeps surprising me with the turns it takes. I am curious to see how it's going to resolve this one.
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.: posted by Vera
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