Growth
I am really happy today. Kean spent the night with someone else last night, and for the first time in our two+ year relationship I can honestly say that I am genuinely happy for him. Pure compersion is here at last.
It took many months and a lot of pain and tears and long, difficult conversations to get here, but I knew that I eventually would. During all those times in the past when I was freaking out, feeling overwhelmed and losing sleep, I kept my faith that I would eventually find beauty and love at the end of all of that. That's why I didn't give up, no matter how hard it was sometimes. And beauty and love is what I finally found, first in my new relationship with Jeremy, and now in the feelings of compersion I have about Kean.
This morning, whenever I thought about Kean and his lover, I felt good. I was hoping that they were having a great time. For the first time, I didn't hope that they wouldn't have sex, and for the first time I didn't hope that, if they did have sex, it wasn't very good. This time, I sincerely hoped that it was good, whatever they were doing. And this was the first time that I didn't feel the need to call Kean as soon as I thought he might be up to find out what had happened. Instead I happily allowed him to call me. I even went for periods of time where I didn't think about them at all. And I was okay with the likelihood that he is going to be thinking about her a lot this week, and that he is probably feeling really good when he does. I am so glad that I can be finally be happy for him and his lovers. I have been striving for this for so long.
What helps is that our communication has gotten a lot better.
What helps is that I knew about his intentions beforehand, and that I had given my blessing.
What helps is that I know her, and that they have been involved before.
What helps is that I have another partner and am thus not feeling left out.
Growth is a beautiful thing.
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.: posted by Vera 
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Art Attack
Jeremy was in an awesome fashion show for Wisp-Her Wear on Thursday. More photos here.
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.: posted by Vera
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The slow evolution of my apartment
You may remember when my bed received a make-over from red/orange/pink to black/white. Since then I have had other subtle changes, such as the towels in my bathroom turning from green to black. And now my closet has gotten rearranged.
 Shortly after moving into my current apartment a little over four years ago, my main bedroom closet looked like a rainbow. My tops were sorted by color, from yellow to orange to red to pink/purple to blue to green. I kept the few black and white clothes I had tucked away in my hallway closet because I never wore them. Then I slowly started accumulating more and more black clothes. It was annoying to have to access my hallway closet, but I put up with it for over two years.
Now my bedroom closet looks like this. I rearranged both closets recently. All my black stuff is now in my bedroom, as well as some of the blue stuff. All the green and yellow and pink that I hardly wear anymore is, still sorted by color, in the hallway closet.
I wonder what's next. Maybe I'll swap out my blue dresser for a black one or my green desk for something darker. But I'm pretty sure that I'd move before changing my bright colorful walls.
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.: posted by Vera
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Negotiation of terms
Kean, Jeremy and I got together last night to discuss the terms of our relationship. This was the first time that all three of us talked openly about things together. Before that it was either Kean and I or Jeremy and I.
From the beginning of our relationship, Kean and I had had this unspoken agreement that when we are out somewhere together, we go home together. Neither of us has ever broken this because we both felt that it was rude and hurtful to go home with someone else in such a situation. But now that Jeremy and I have a serious relationship, this agreement doesn't work for Jeremy. It hurts him to think that I will always go home with Kean when the three of us are all at the same event.
So last night during our discussion, Jeremy addressed Kean and said
"I am madly in love with Vera. I know that the two of you are also in love, and I don't want to get in the way of that. When we are all at a party together, I don't want to have to hide my feelings. I want to be able to hug and kiss her and tell her how much I love her. And I also want to be able to go home with her once in a while when we are all out together."
As Jeremy was saying all of this, Kean just watched him reverently and nodded once in a while. The situation made my heart melt.
Kean said that Jeremy definitely didn't have to hide his feelings and that it was okay for us to express our love in public and in front of him, that he would rather we do it openly than hide it. He only asked that we don't do it when he is in the process of talking or dancing or connecting with me.
He also said that he was fine with me going home with Jeremy instead of himself once in a while, as long as we make sure that he has a ride home. He suggested that we always decide before the actual event and make sure that everybody is on the same page and consents.
Then the three of us watched a movie together, and then Kean went home while I stayed with Jeremy.
Jeremy and Kean like and admire and respect each other a lot, which makes it all work. They genuinely care about each other and about me. There is no rivalry, but sometimes there are feelings of hurt and abandonment. We all try to make sure that everybody is getting enough love and attention and is getting what they want out of this. Kean knows that Jeremy adds to my happiness, and that's why he continues to give his blessing to our relationship. And Jeremy fully respects my relationship with Kean and wants to see it last, even if under different circumstances, he might prefer to be monogamous.
It might seem obvious that I am getting the best deal out of this, but I also think that I am the person this is most difficult for. I am constantly worried that one or both of them is feeling neglected or hurt or jealous, but I think I need to just stop worrying because both of them seem to be much more mature and supportive than I could muster myself. I can only hope that all three of us are growing from this into more loving people every day.
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.: posted by Vera
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New comments system
The comment host (Haloscan) I had been using for the last few years decided to start charging, so I opted out. I am now using Blogger's built-in comment system. Unfortunately this means that all of your past comments have now disappeared from my site. But I hope you know that they live on in my memories.
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.: posted by Vera
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