How I told my sister about losing my virginity
My sister gave me a bunch of letters I wrote to her between 1987 and 1994 or something. She is cleaning out her childhood room and was wondering if I wanted to see the letters before she threw them away. I said heck yes!
Here is what I wrote to her on July 9th, 1994 (translated from German):
Did Mama tell you that I'm not a virgin anymore? Since June 1st. Yesterday I had sex with [name of boyfriend] again (for the 9th time). [...] Sex is different than I had imagined though, I'll have to explain later!
Unfortunately now I don't remember how I thought sex would be different. I wonder if my sister remembers how I explained it later.
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.: posted by Vera 
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Secret
I signed my underemployment check with a colored pencil today.
Sometimes I go to bed at 7 or 8pm. It's because when I have no other plans, there is nothing I would rather do than sleep. Nobody really knows this because I am kind of embarrassed about it.
Yesterday I hand-wrote a letter to someone that I know is going to make her day.
When I was in Germany, I told my sister that I secretly fear that when I am 60, I am going to be alone, have missing teeth, and be generally useless. She gave me this weird smile that freaked me out for a second, and then she said "When I think of you at 60, I think of an interesting colorful person who has done a lot of cool things her whole life." I said "You have no idea how good it feels to hear that right now."
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.: posted by Vera
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What we did for the rest of the time in Germany
That night we did go to Solar, as recommended by my friend Maxi. We wanted a swanky lounge where we can have a drink and a view of the city. Solar was exactly that. There was fancy padded furniture everywhere, including two swings (!), there was a DJ and colorful wall projections. And it was very high up, so we had a 180 view of Berlin. Our swanky lounge night was a success.
On our second full day in Berlin, we decided to see some remnants of the Berlin wall. First we went to East Side Gallery, the longest remaining piece of the wall, and then to Mauerpark, literally meaning "Wall Park." That park was one of my favorite things in Berlin. There is a long hill with a long piece of wall on it, and in front of the wall are five swings. That day Kean also found some awesome shiny blue ear studs at a jewelry store which, according to its business card, has an amazing graphic designer. I was as excited about Kean's ear studs as if they had been my own, and I couldn't wait to shove them into his ear holes.
That night we had planned to have dinner with Maxi, but she called me that afternoon to cancel because she was sick. So instead I took a nap while Kean and Giampaolo made dinner: Pasta con Broccoli. Giampaolo taught me something I hadn't realized before: Broccoli is an Italian word, which many other languages have adopted, German and English being two of them.
After dinner, we were going to go to club VCF for some drum&bass and electro, but somehow we changed our minds and went to KitKatClub instead because the flyer for their Hellectro event was promising dark electro as well and maybe even some fake blood. Giampaolo told us that KitKatClub was "always so fun", and what we didn't know until we got there was that in addition to being a dance club, it was also a sex club. There was a sign at the entrance informing us that sexual acts were permitted at the club. One of the things I love the most about Kean is that he never minds it when I tell other people about things we do together. So yes, we had sex at the club, and yes, I am writing about it on the internet! We had been wanting to have sex in public for a while, so why not do it at a sex club in Berlin when given the opportunity? The music wasn't dark electro at all, and it wasn't good either, but the people were young and beautiful and interesting, with only a few creepy ones thrown in. A friend of mine had gone to a sex club in Berlin the last time he went there, and I had thought that that would be fun but didn't want to expend much energy on finding one. So I like that we ended up at one without even planning it.
The next morning we had breakfast, and then we headed back to the Ostbahnhof for our 2:30 train back to where my parents live. During the ride back I cried at one point because a cute little girl next to me was speaking in Dutch, and I was reminded how much I love the Dutch language and that, had I stayed in Germany, I might have had the chance of a career as a Dutch-speaking person but in America the chances were much slimmer. At least I think that's what I was crying about. It could also be that I was crying about the unfortunate need for money in order to survive when instead of working for money, I would much rather ride trains and learn Dutch.
My parents were away on a trip to Bremen that weekend, so my brother picked us up at the train station in Rheine, and my sister was already with him. It was time to go home and eat some Pommes! My brother's homemade Pommes are the best in the world, and he made 2 kilos worth, and we ate them all, just him, my sister, Kean and I. That means we each ate about a pound. Yum!
After dinner my brother went to his girlfriend's house, and my sister and Kean and I hung out for the rest of the night, just talking and listening to music.
On Sunday it was still just my sister, Kean and I, and we had a lovely day of doing just about nothing. I really needed it, and I think Kean did too. We did watch Zeitgeist with my sister because we wanted her to see it. She was very taken, as was I, again.
My parents came home from their trip around 5pm, and I was glad when my mom didn't argue when we wanted to make our own dinner. She usually takes care of everything, and I was glad to give her a break for once. Kean, my sister and I made Teriyaki broccoli, Curry peas, and hot dogs with remoulade and pickle slices. Something about being in Germany always makes me eat like a teenager.
While my parents were doing their thing in the living-room, Bianca, Kean and I watched the Zeitgeist Addendum on the computer in the dining-room. It felt really good to be reminded of the promises of a resource-based (non-monetary-based) society and to share these ideas with my sister. Scarcity is no longer relevant!
On Monday Kean and I were going to go to Düsseldorf to see my friend Julia and stay with her for a night, but unfortunately that didn't work out because she was working 16 hour days AND her bedroom was inhabitable due to water leaking in, so we would have had to sleep in her tiny living-room with her AND her dog. As much as I would have loved to see her and stay in her lovely apartment, we decided that the conditions weren't conducive, and when my sister took a train back to Köln later that afternoon, we went with her. But before that Kean and I went on a little bike ride in my little town and the surrounding farm fields. I also showed him my Kindergarten and elementary school. Unfortunately the zip line at the recreation center I had played on as a child was no longer there.
In Köln the three of us made sauteed leeks with mushrooms, Kroketten and Bratwurst. Again I felt like a teenager, aside from the vegetables.
We watched the movie Babe that night (the German version with the cuter voice), and then we went to sleep.
My sister had to go to work in the morning, but Kean and I got to sleep in to our usual time of about noon. We got up to meet my sister at Cafe Eichhörnchen one more time to say good-bye. We all thought that Cafe Eichhörnchen with its proximity to my sister's apartment was the perfect meeting spot, what with all the talk of freshly fucked squirrels the week before.
After hugging my sister good-bye, Kean and I got on the U-Bahn to the train station and took a train to Münster. We were going to go for a walk, either around the Aasee or around the Promenade. We opted for the Promenade because it was closer to the train station. We soon veered off it though because Kean wanted to see the anabaptist cages. After paying respect to them, we sat down for a rest at Cafe Extrablatt and people-watched.
Eventually we made it back to the train station and took a train back to Nordwalde, where my parents live. We briefly considered staying on the train all the way to Enschede, Netherlands and go to a coffee shop because that's a lovely experience we just can't get in the U.S. or in Germany. But since it was our last night on this trip, we still had to pack, and we had to catch a flight at 6:30am the next morning, we opted against it with one little tear. My mom picked us up at the station. I keep mentioning all the pick-ups and drop-offs because they are rare for me, and I really appreciate them. It's nice to be spoiled with rides once in a while.
My brother and his girlfriend Anna came over that night, and the two of them and Kean and I had champagne and Hefeweizen until it was way past our bedtime. I really enjoyed the company and didn't want to go to bed. I didn't want this trip to end. I usually look forward to coming back "home" to America when I am in Germany, but not this time. I wanted to stay just a little longer.
Anna slept in my old room that night and actually got up at 4 in the morning because she wanted to go to the airport with us. I thought that was super sweet and something I would never do, and apparently my brother wouldn't either because he stayed in bed. He and I did come from the same vagina after all. (This is something I got a kick out of throughout the trip: Kean and I are always talking about how people are so different from each other because they all come from different vaginas. Well, that doesn't apply to my sister or my brother because we did come from the same vagina.)
So it was my mom and Anna who took us to the airport. I was super tired and discontent the entire way home. I did not want to be on that plane. I watched Changeling on the plane and the Dutchess, and Kean and I watched Dark Knight together. I don't know what happened to my critical faculties, but I thought they were all amazing.
We arrived in San Francisco at 3pm local time, and we went straight to my house and to bed. We slept from about 4pm until about 2am. That's when we were wide awake again, so we made some food and played a silly card game. It was a wonderful play date in the middle of the night. We went back to sleep around 6am and slept until 9. I don't know why these times are important to mention but it felt awesome to have such an unusual schedule. By the time we woke up at 9am we felt like normal human beings again.
Around 3pm we went to Caffe Trieste in North Beach because that is a neighborhood we never go to, and we wanted to feel like we were still in a strange city. Also, Caffe Trieste is Italian-themed, and we took a minute there to pay homage to our good friend Giampaolo.
And now we are back to our regularly scheduled programs. Kean is at work, and I am blogging.
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.: posted by Vera
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The end is near
We are leaving tomorrow, and I am sad. I am not ready to go back to my regularly scheduled program.
I told my mom that I used to jump out of the bathroom window to stay out all night when I was 15. I had been wanting to make that confession for years.
Also, in observation of Z-Day, Kean and I watched Zeitgeist with my sister.
A more detailed report of the last few days will follow.
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.: posted by Vera
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Hallo aus Berlin
Our second night in Köln was very calm. Kean actually slept from about 8pm to 1am while I watched about eight episodes of Friends with my sister. When Kean finally woke up, we watched Apocalypto, and then we went to sleep. The next morning we barely had time for breakfast before it was time to head back to the train station. My sister walked us there, and she was very sad that we were leaving. She felt that it was too soon and frankly, so did I.
My mom picked us up at the train station, and we headed straight to my grandmother's house. Kean got to play on the playground that I used to play on when I was little, while my grandma and I watched from her window.
We had plans to go to my aunt's that night but I was really, really tired, so I called her. She was feeling really, really tired too and was actually happy to postpone our visit to the next day. So instead, Kean went to bed early again, and I watched a movie with my parents about a German conductor who was being tried for being a Nazi after WWII. After that I watched a movie about the German actress Hildegard Knef, who had fought in WWII. I am not sure what all of this information about artists during the Nazi regime was trying to tell me, but it inspired me to ask some questions the next day.
I found out from my parents that neither set of my grandparents had been members of the Nazi party. It was actually required by law at the time to join the Nazi party because it was a totalitarian government. My dad estimated that about 80% of all Germans were part of the Nazi party, whether they really believed in the Nazis or were just trying to avoid punishment. But none of my grandparents ever joined. It made me proud of them.
I also found out that my mother's father most likely killed some people during the war as he was fighting on the frontline. My father's father, on the other hand, most likely did not kill anyone because he was mostly involved with reading enemy plane positions and passing them on. Some of those planes were then shot down but he didn't shoot them down himself and was only an aid in finding out where they were. I don't know why I had never really thought about this before. I had always known that both of my grandfathers had been soldiers in the war, but it really hit me this time: My mother's father was a killer; my father's father a killing aid. It's intense.
That day I also went for a walk in the rain with Kean, I dropped off some flowers and chocolates at my dentist's office to thank her for treating me, and then Kean and I stopped by my friend Sandy's house. She and I used to live on the same street and were really close friends between the ages of 4 and about 14. After that we kind of lost touch, and for the last decade or so I had thought that we didn't really have much in common anymore and didn't feel a need to contact her. But lately I am realizing how important and how special childhood friends are. The relationship you have with childhood friends is so unique; nobody else can ever really give you that again. So we visited Sandy in the house she now lives in with her husband, and we got to meet her one-and-a-half-year-old daughter, Sarah. At first it was a little awkward, but then it got more interesting because we started talking about "back in the day." She told me that she had lots of happy and fun memories of me. She also said that on the day I went to the mental hospital, she and Mone later stopped by my house to pick me up for going ice skating. Apparently my dad told them that I was in the hospital and that they didn't know when I was coming back. Sandy told me that she and Mone both started crying. This was the first time (that I remember now) that I heard about this ice skating pick-up incident, and it really touched me. Afterwards in the car, I cried. I felt sad about a lost friendship, about lost innocence, and about the thing that ruined my childhood - the mental illness episode.
Next, we drove straight to my aunt's house, where we talked about the year 2012, and then we had a beer with my cousin Johannes. Also, my aunt gave me a beautiful sparkly black ring that looks just like a queen's ring. "For Death Guild", she said.
When we got back to my parents' house, we had some Spaghetti Bolognese, which my dad had made for us at my request. Then my brother and his girlfriend came over, and we all had lots of champagne and chatted the night away. My cousin Johannes joined us for a while too, and when my aunt came by to pick up Johannes, she stayed and chatted for a little too. It was really fun, especially for me, I imagine. At first we were mostly joking around and talking about funny things - my family is really into humor. But then I asked my brother something I have been meaning to ask him for years. I asked him what it was like for him when I had to go to the mental hospital. He said that that whole time sucked ass for him, which I already knew was the case for my whole family. It was just an unhappy time because I was so unhappy and was constantly making that clear to everyone. But my brother said that he remembers being in the car with us when my parents drove me to the hospital. He was six years old. And he wanted us to turn around. He wanted to say "Hey, this is not right. I think we need to turn around. We can work this out. Let's not leave her at the hospital." But of course he didn't say anything. It really touched me that my brother had this feeling of wrongness about my going to the hospital. I had no idea.
My brother, Kean and I were the last people left. After we were done with champagne, we had some Erdinger. one of my favorite German Hefeweizens. We stayed up until about 2am.
The next morning my mom drove me and Kean to Rheine so we could catch our train to Berlin. The train ride took almost four hours. We rode the subway to Giampaolo's house. He is a really nice Italian guy I had found on couchsurfing.com, who speaks some English and some German and was willing to host us for three nights. The cool thing is that his place is about two blocks from my friend Maxi's place with whom I had stayed the last time I was in Berlin. So I was already familiar with the neighborhood.
After meeting Giampaolo and seeing our room, which was amazingly colorful and psychedelically themed, Kean and I went for a walk and decided to see if Maxi still lived there. I had emailed her a few weeks before leaving and asked her if we could stay with her, but she had never gotten back to me. We rang her door bell, which still had her name on it, but there was no answer. But I remembered that her office was in the same building complex and housed within her boyfriend's company. So I rang the door bell for her boyfriend's company and was told that Maxi was "on the fourth floor now." So we went to the fourth floor, and sure enough, one of the doors had her name on it. We knocked, and Maxi answered the door. She said "Vera!" She was completely surprised. She said she had never received my email and had no idea that I was going to be in town. But she said she wanted to take us out for dinner on Friday.
That night we went to a Breakcore party with Giampaolo and his friend and co-worker Marcello, whom we had met earlier. They both work out of Giampaolo's home. The music was okay--I like breakcore but find it hard to dance to--and unfortunately I was feeling really, really tired again. Kean and I left the club around 1am and noticed that the subway wasn't running anymore. So we had a Currywurst, which was very spicy and delicious, and then went back to the club so that Giampaolo could show us how to walk home. When I was finally able to lay my head on the pillow in our colorful room, it was a very happy moment.
We slept in and then made some breakfast at Giampaolo's. He and Marcello were already up and working on their computers. Giampaolo made me some Italian coffee - yum! Then Kean and I went to ride the S-Bahn all around Berlin. Giampaolo said it was a great way to get a cheap sightseeing tour. We got off it at certain places to go shopping. Kean found some new pants and gloves at some gothy stores. We also had a delicious Danish hot dog and some delicious soup at a place called Hot Dog Soup, which really hit the spot.
Now it's 10pm, and we're back at Giampaolo's place, and we might go to this place later.
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.: posted by Vera
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The journey so far
The ten hour flight from San Francisco to Paris went by surprisingly fast. We had met a very nice Parisian girl at the San Francisco airport who, once in Paris, got on the same bus with us to make sure we were in the right place. We got off the bus at the Opera House and said our good-byes. We were tired but not debilitatingly so.
From the Opera House we walked over to the Louvre. Near the Louvre, we had some sandwiches at a place that felt like the French version of Subway. I was a little disappointed in our choice of eatery because I had been entertaining fantasies of dining at a typical Parisian cafe. From the Louvre Rivoli metro station, we took two different metros over to the Eiffel Tower. We hung out there for a little bit, took some pictures and then took the metro back to the Arc de Triomphe. From the Arc de Triomphe, we were able to see my favorite Parisian arch, the more modern Grande Arche de la Défense.
I took French in school for six years but haven't used it much in recent years. I was surprised how much French I remembered; yet almost every time I tried to speak French with a Parisian, they started speaking English to me right away. It made me feel sad and incapable.
Near the Arc de Triomphe we did sit in a typical Parisian cafe for about half an hour. It had sun shining into it through its glass walls. We were tired.
Around 5:15pm local time we got on an Air France coach to take us back to the airport. There was some frustration because our terminal seemed to be a new terminal and was difficult to get to. We did finally find it, and we still had plenty of time before our departure to Münster-Osnabrück.
We took off about 20 minutes late, and the plane was very small - one of those with two seats on one side and only one on the other. But we made up the delay in the air and still arrived in Münster on time.
We were greeted at the airport by my sister, my mom, my dad and my brother's girlfriend Anna. (My brother couldn't make it because he was out of town for his job.) They had brought a bottle of champagne and some cups, and they opened it right there in the airport terminal!
Then we all went to my parents' house where we had more champagne, and suddenly I wasn't feeling so tired anymore. I think we shared three bottles, and then we went to sleep around 12:30. Kean and I decided not to sleep in my room but in our party room in the basement because it has a double mattress, whereas my own room only has a little tiny bed. I slept really really well until about 10am the next morning. That's when I had to get up because I had a dentist appointment at 11.
It was really nice to see my old dentist. I don't have any insurance in Germany anymore but she said that things were "taken care of" and that my dad had an appointment with her soon and that she would talk to him about how much I was going to pay, if any. Ha! I had secretly been hoping for a scenario like this, and I got it. My teeth are okay, and I feel relieved.
In the afternoon Kean and I took a nap, and in the evening he and I and my sister went to see my friend Julia for a little bit, who was also at her parents' house. Then Kean, my sister and I had a beer at a bar in the town where we used to go to school. Then we went back to our parents' house and had more beer and some very delicious potato chips. Sometimes I feel like a teenager when I'm back in Germany, getting excited about sleepovers with chips and candy.
The next "morning", our dad took us all out to a restaurant where they serve gigantic Schnitzel. My brother met us there too, and it was so great to see him and hear him talk about a presentation he had just given at a conference in Zurich. Kean ordered the restaurant's specialty, the Westfalenschnitzel. It comes on a platter the size of a small coffee table. We joked that the Westfalenschnitzel was like a test for all of my American boyfriends. Kean fared really well - he finished almost the entire platter.
After lunch, my brother took us on a little tour of Münster, and then he dropped my sister, Kean and me off at the station because we were going to Köln, where my sister lives. On the train, my sister taught us a German expression that even I had never heard before: Du siehst aus wie ein frisch gevögeltes Eichhörnchen. It means: You look like a freshly fucked squirrel. It was one of the funniest expressions I had ever heard of. You use it when somebody looks really elated and kind of out of it.
The train dropped us off in Köln around 5:30pm, and we walked from the station to my sister's place, where we were greeted by her boyfriend, Wolfgang, who now lives there too. We had a lot of fun that evening, drinking a variety of German beers - Kölsch, Hefeweizen and Pils, eating more delicious potato chips and later eating Pommes. Yum yum yum. The four of us also went to a playground in the middle of the night, where we spent a lot of time on the zipline. Much giggling and squealing was to be had. We all sounded like the aforementioned squirrels.
Kean and I slept in their living-room on my sister's very comfortable and very colorful fold-out couch. Benny and Joon was our bedtime movie. When we were lying down, and the movie was just starting, I said to Kean that life doesn't get better than this. Having just had a very fun night, now lying on a very comfortable bed next to my favorite person at my sister's place with a cute movie playing, I was feeling very happy and comfortable.
We were woken up by my sister around 12:45pm because she had signed us up for a partner yoga class at 2pm. We had a quick breakfast and then took a cab over to the yoga studio because it was raining. The partner yoga class lasted for three hours and was absolutely amazing. Kean was my partner, and Bianca had her friend Iris there. Wolfgang didn't go because he had never done yoga before. We did a lot of very fun and challenging partner poses. There was a lot of laugther and some really good stretches.
Now it is evening, and we just had dinner. Tomorrow Kean and I take a train back to where my parents live, and next up is Berlin.
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.: posted by Vera
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Bodies
Last night I danced with the mushroom goddess at Death Guild, and I was reminded of something I too often forget: I am a beautiful and amazing person, and I have absolutely no reason to ever feel self-conscious.*
Death Guild is a fascinating and glamorous place where I feel well-liked and accepted; yet it is also fraught with complex emotions for me, many of which contain a level of discomfort and yes, self-consciousness.
Is my dancing automated?
Do I look uncomfortable while dancing?
Am I too serious?
Why do I always have such deep conversations with people; why can't I just flirt for once?
Is that girl trying to steal Kean?
Do I have to talk to that person?
Should I introduce my lovers to each other?
These are some of the things whirling around in my head on any given Death Guild night. These questions came up last night, but the uncomfortable feelings associated with them were largely absent because I recognized the truth: I have no reason to doubt any of what I'm doing, thinking or feeling. I must dance with the mushroom goddess at least once a month, so that I have a regular refresher of the truth.
At one point I noticed that one of my lovers was secretly watching me dance, and he didn't seem to feel self-conscious about it either. I enjoyed that a lot.
A friend asked me what I would do if I had magical powers. I replied that one of the first things I would do is make modifications to my own body, such as grow wings, grow claws and grow horns.
The same friend had recently confessed to me that he liked the smell of armpits, which I do as well. I asked him if he wanted to lick my armpit, and he did, and then he did. I am not ready to die yet because I haven't given and received enough armpit licking yet.
Kean wrote on my leg "Mein Psychopatchen." It means "my little psychopath."
Before we left that night, we had dyed each other's hair black. Mine was already black, but my roots needed to be redone. Kean's hair looks amazing right now. A couple of days ago I had given him a new "for Germany" haircut, as requested by him. Sometimes I can't believe how delicious he is.
Also on the subject of shared grooming: When we got home, I was more tired than Kean was, so he took off all my make-up with some cleansing cloths while I was already starting to fall asleep. I love it when he does that.
I feel like this post is going to inspire a lot of judgments in people reading it. Go ahead, judge me. And then look in the mirror, please. I am doing the best I can, just like you.
I am second-guessing myself on whether to post all of these very personal truths that hold a lot of meaning for me right now. And I know that in the future I am going to love reading this post because of its honesty and shamelessness.**
*If you find yourself tempted to say "Well, duh, of course you are", don't. I know that you sometimes forget too.
**I mean, yes, there is shame but not enough for me not to post it.
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.: posted by Vera
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