Abrakadabra simsalabim
I feel like I am in super reception mode right now. I have been getting some things that I have either wanted for a long time or wasn't sure I could get.
Yesterday over the phone with my friend Erin I ordered a brand new Macbook Pro with Erin's Apple employee discount. I can now finally chuck my five-year-old PC desktop and make this new laptop my main computer. There will be no more gigantic monitor on my desk, ahhhhhh.
After my photoshoots with Icka, I felt more confident in my modeling ability and sexiness. So I submitted an application to suicidegirls.com. And the next day, I got the following message:
Thanks for your application to become a SuicideGirl. You look perfect for our site, and you've now passed the first stage of the application process.
For the next stage of the application process, I have to submit a photoset. I was wondering who I should ask to shoot this photoset. I considered asking Nightshade but then I decided that I'd rather have a female photographer. I thought of Sarah, my ex-roommate Joe's wife. She takes lovely photos of children. I thought 'She takes photos of wholesome children; how likely is it that she is going to want to photograph my boobs and my hoo-hoo?' But I emailed her anyway. And she responded right away, saying that she would love to do it, and that she had just mentioned to Joe recently that she wanted to do some work for suicidegirls.com. Wow.
I also seem to have secured a van to sleep in at Burning Man via Marc of False Profit (who also incidentally camped in the same camp as me in 2004). Marc and his sidekicks are going to drive the van there and back, and it will be full. I will need to organize my own transportation, but I will be able to use the van as my sleeping quarters in exchange for a fee.
So now that I seem to be getting everything I ask for, I am going to ask for a few more things:
- I want to write my first book!
- I want my own TV show! (It's okay if it's on the web.)
- I want to get more youthful and beautiful every day!
- I want paid alt modeling gigs!
- I want a bar to hang upside down from!
Thank you!
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.: posted by Vera 
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My hair; it's all gone
This is how pretty I was before I shaved my head. The picture is from the photoshoot with Icka yesterday.
But yes, most of my hair is all gone. When Kean got his cornrows recently, we made the plan to both shave our heads after the cornrows came out. They came out Thursday night.
Last night Kean played at Noc Noc again. My friend Antonio showed up. He has been taking lots of video lately, and we talked about doing a Vera show together. That would be so much fun. We would create a new episode once a week, and I would get to talk about whatever feels most important to talk about for that week. I like this idea a lot because it would help me get over my video camera shyness and my fear of public speaking. This sounds a lot like a dream come true, and I hope we make it happen.
The Shaving was planned for when Kean was done spinning. We left Noc Noc around 1:30. Antonio was going to video-document the shaving for us, but it turned out we had to go to the East Bay because that's where our only pair of clippers were. Antonio didn't want to accompany us to the East Bay, so he let us borrow his video camera instead.
We started shaving around 3am. I went first. I was terrified but I also wanted it to happen. There was a moment right before Kean took the clippers to my head where I could have stopped him. I could have said "No, I want to keep my hair." But it didn't want me to. It wanted the Shaving to happen. So Kean shaved me. And then I shaved him. We were done around 3:50.
I look very, very different. I saw Justin today, and--bless his dear heart--he said he liked my hair. He said it has an edge. It definitely has more edge than any other haircut I have ever had.
This is going to be an interesting experiment for me. People might judge me more. Some people might find me more intimidating. Mainstream guys might be less inclined to check me out. Cat callers might be less likely to whistle or holler at me.
I am scared of feeing unattractive. I am scared of missing my hair. I am scared of regretting this. But so far I feel proud of myself. I am challenging myself yet again. I am facing my fear of being bald. I am challenging what it means to be sexy. My belief that nobody wants to have sex with a bald woman is already crumbling because I had sex this morning. This is my chance to rewrite some stories.
Aside from moving to America and quitting my full-time job, this feels like the scariest and bravest thing I have ever done.
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.: posted by Vera
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Post-photoshoot bliss
Icka came over again today for another photoshoot. We had a lot of fun, and it looks like this one will actually make it onto Zivity.
For the one we did two weeks ago, we changed location twice, and Icka feels that there weren't enough good photos to create a coherent set on Zivity. But she sent me the ones she liked best from that day, and I have put them on Flickr. I did not include any blatant toplessness though because I have a feeling some of you couldn't handle that.
We both feel that today's photoshoot worked out really well. My new best friend--Paul, a blue octopus finger puppet--made an appearance, and at one point Icka had me go crazy on my bed, jumping and rolling around. I guess we figured out how to get me to "loosen up."
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.: posted by Vera
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Plop
Last night I went to Ruby Skye to see Crystal Method. I hadn't been to a Crystal Method concert since 1998, and I had never been to Ruby Skye. I had my judgments about Ruby Skye and didn't really expect to have a good time. But I had the most fun I have had since the acid foursome four weeks ago. (Oh wait, the pantsless party last week was super fun too. Ah, it's hard to accurately measure fun.)
Thanks to Kean's friend Marius, we got to hang out in the VIP area upstairs and drink vodka. At one point I was standing at the railing by myself, looking down at the dance floor. Kean came up to me from behind, plopped a slice of orange into my mouth and disappeared again. That's when I thought 'I never knew I could be this happy with somebody.'
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.: posted by Vera
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It's the future
So I signed up for the past life regression counseling course. I will be going to Arizona for a week in November. I am very excited.
Kean's pantsless birthday party was a huge success. Many people there said it was the funnest party they had been to in a while. I want all parties to be pantsless from now on! The birthday performance Lizzy and I had choreographed was successful to. We waited until pretty late in the night to do it, so that we were adequately tipsy. We performed to the song I Need a Freak by Electrocute. We chose this song because one line in the song goes "I need a freak in underwear." Ha! Well, Lizzy and I had a lot of fun dancing around in the kitchen in our underwear, and the birthday boy was very honored.
Luckily, Lizzy and I got to spend some more time in our underwear last weekend because we attended a pole dancing class Saturday and Sunday afternoon. We learned a lot. I can't wait to swing around on the pole at Death Guild. This Monday that didn't work out because my outfit wasn't a good match for pole dancing. But I shall practice soon.
In other exciting news, Kean has been spinning a happy hour set on Thursday nights at Noc Noc. Last night was the third time he did this. Each time so far we have gotten lots of friends to show up. The bartenders are always giving us free drinks because we have been bringing in so many people who want to hear the Kean's lovely auditory atmospherics.
And now for some more shocking news: I am going to shave my head within the next few days. Yes. My time has come.
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.: posted by Vera
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Excitements about futures
This post is scattered, and it also has some common threads. It's about things I'm doing that I'm excited about and about taking responsibility for being seen, to use my friend Gerry's words.
I have been inline-skating recently, and it's super fun and I can't wait to do it again and again. Kean inspired me because he had started whining about how he really wanted to skate but didn't have any skates. So I bought him a pair. And a week or so later, he moved into his new place, and one of his roommates had some skates she doesn't use anymore that she sold me for really cheap. So we've been skating all over Oakland and Emeryville and also in my neighborhood, although not as much because it's too hilly for safety.
As Queen of PR & Marketing for Green Cab, I am now compiling a list of email addresses from local news sources to send press releases to. This is a great exercise for me because when it's time for Psychic Valentines again, this time you bet I am going to press-release those bitches!
On Sunday I did a photoshoot with Icka from Zivity. Zivity is a site celebrating and showcasing female beauty. It's kind of like Suicide Girls but with no age limit, and the models get paid. We actually kind of did two photoshoots in one, one outside with clothes on and one in my apartment where I am topless. Yes, topless! This couldn't have come at a better time because it fits very well into my sex-positive and nudity-positive agenda.
These photoshoots are also helping me take responsibility for being seen. Not that I haven't been seen on the internet for many years, but there have always been many ways in which I refused to be seen, on the internet as well as in real life. I have been working on that because there are many ways in which I would like to be seen but have been too shy, awkward, self-conscious and just plain scared to. For example, on Monday at Death Guild I danced on the platform in the upstairs room for the first time. I had been envious of people who just get up there like it's nothing. But on Monday, Sarah inspired both me and Kean to get up there, first Kean, then me. I was super proud and feel that it was a big step for my fledgling performer self.
Singing and dancing - ahhhhhh. I recently had a dream in which I was gleefully singing and dancing for an audience with a group of friends. I looked so happy. It reminded me of when I was at summer camp in Portugal at age 16. At some point I found myself singing and dancing, fully aware that I had an audience, but I was completely free of inhibitions. Unfortunately that state only lasted for a few days and never came back. Now I am determined to make that feeling come back, for good. When I told Kean about the dream and about my experience in Portugal, I started crying. In many ways I am so, so uptight and self-conscious and so, so tired of it. Icka noticed that too, during the photoshoot on Sunday. She said "I want you to loosen up." Yes, that's what I want too. I have been wanting that for years. I am working on it.
This weekend I am taking a pole dancing class. It's mostly so I can pole-dance at Spike's Vampire Bar at Burning Man because that place makes pole dancing look GOOD. I had vowed to myself last year that I would learn to pole dance for Spike's Vampire Bar. Lizzy is going to join me this weekend, I think.
In other Lizzy-news, we are choreographing a little performance for Kean's birthday, which is this Friday. I feel that this is another very important exercise for me right now. It will be rather silly, but still - it's a performance, and it's nerve-wracking and will challenge me and put me in the spotlight, and that's exactly why I'm doing it. Also, we'll be in our underwear because Kean's birthday party is a no-pants party.
It looks like my beloved Mary is helping me find a teacher for past life regression. Yesterday I found a week-long course in Sedona, Arizona that teaches just that. On many different levels, this course feels like the one for me. It teaches past life regression without requiring hypnotheraphy certification (I am not interested in being a general hypnotherapist; I just want to do past life stuff), and it's within my price range. I have been wanting to take a road trip to Arizona for a while and am especially interested in Sedona because it's a spiritual hot spot. And the teacher's name is Mary! My friend Niki said "it sounds like it's calling you", and I would have to agree.
Also, look at what we did at Green Cab on Monday!
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.: posted by Vera
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That's what it's for, right?
I received my stimulus check today. I'm spending it on lots and lots of chocolate mushrooms and a pole dancing class.
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.: posted by Vera
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Hearing the call again
I am feeling another call towards spiritual development. I haven't pursued that as much in the last year or so. I feel that I had to understand myself before I could understand spiritual matters. In the last year I have done so much work on myself in terms of self-love, self-acceptance and self-expression that now I feel ready and like a solid channel for information and light to come through.
Thanks to my friend Starrie, I am reading Bringers of the Dawn right now, which is my third book from the Pleiadians. It is reminding me that I am above all a lightworker. Here is a great quote from it:
All you need to do is discern whether something is light and you are being given information, or whether it is darkness and you are being disinformed, misinformed, or information is being completely withheld from you.
I am also developing a renewed interest in past life stuff. I just finished reading Dancing in the Light by the actress Shirley MacLaine, in which she talks about some of her past lives. My favorite one of hers was that of the elephant princess, where she was a twelve-year-old girl thousands of years ago, who communicated telepathically with elephants and lived and played with them in harmony and joy.
I never mentioned this here but last November I went to a hypnotherapist for a past life regression, in which I saw myself as a whore in 15th century Macedonia. The session wasn't as impressive and inspiring as I had hoped.
But today I had a vision about a life in England in the Middle Ages, in which Kean and his ex-girlfriend were my father and mother. And a few days ago I had a vision of a past life in Atlantis in which I knew Justin. Through a somewhat guided meditation I tried to lead Justin to see a vision of one of his own past lives himself, and even though it didn't bear much fruit, it left me feeling very inspired.
I now feel ready to attract a teacher into my life that will teach me past life regression. I think that this would be a fascinating and valuable tool to add to my counseling practice.
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.: posted by Vera
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