I'm in New Mexico
And it's snowing here! We are staying at Kean's aunt's house in Santa Fe for two nights. Last night we climbed a hill with a big cross on it (the Cross of the Martyrs) and had a great view of the city and a gloriously bright, mushroomy full moon. The only weird thing for me was that it wasn't San Francisco. I think I need to leave the city more often.
We left early Monday morning from Emeryville. We spent the first night with my friend Lyzz in LA, one night on the train while riding through Arizona and last night here in New Mexico. Guadalupe (the (New) Mexican version of Mary) is everywhere around here, and it makes me happy.
Even though I was really sick last weekend, leading up to the trip things worked out really well. A week before we left, I had found myself at my friend Antonio's new apartment and noticed that he had a huge garage and no car. I asked him if I could leave my bug in his garage while I was gone, and he said sure. Score! Also, I have a nice girl named Anna staying in my apartment and paying me rent while I'm gone.
And now I'm in New Mexico! Let the magic begin.
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.: posted by Vera 
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People I have given Psychic Valentines to
(I'm talking about the physical little Moo Minicards I had made for them last year.)
Sharon - the girl who did our make-up at the Crucible fashion show
Philo - because he is so good to me
Ariane - because she is my favorite hooper to watch right now
Kean - because he is my favorite
Hillary - a hooper and my upstairs neighbor's sister
Marjorie - a hooper who is always excited to see me
Allison - who is in charge of Bay Area Hoopers these days
Antonio - because he is like family
Linda - Antonio's girlfriend, because she is wonderful
J - a boy I have a crush on
Noël - the ex I mentioned recently
Chris - a Death Guild friend
Andy - a grumpy Death Guild friend
Bret - because I treasure his friendship
Adrienne - because she makes Bret happy
Liz - a new friend I admire
Elliott - the upstairs DJ at Death Guild
Christabel - because she has done a lot to promote Psychic Valentines
Amy - because she means a lot to me
Jay - because he was a great host yesterday
Maryann - because she has a talent of making me smile
Zachary - because I kept thinking it was the last time to see him before my trip but it wasn't
Sam - because I saw him at Meat recently
Reagan - because she made me laugh recently
If you haven't gotten one, then that's because I haven't seen you. (I'm talking to you, Brittney.)
It's amazing how powerful they are in terms of putting a smile on somebody's face and making their day. I had already noticed that last year, and it had made me super happy. What was really great this year is that people already knew about Psychic Valentines. Some of my friends were anxious to get theirs and excited when I started whipping them out and personalizing the little cards.
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.: posted by Vera
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Bondage photos are available for your viewing pleasure
See them here. They were taken on January 29.
Eep!
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.: posted by Vera
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By the way
My Uncomfortable post was written up by Brittney on CBS5 Eye on Blogs. I feel more famous every day!
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.: posted by Vera
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Enjoy your body
I was at a fitting for a fashion show today, in which I will be modeling lingerie. As I was standing there, half-naked, I asked the designer "Do you think I'm skinny enough to model lingerie?" And she said "You're totally fine. Enjoy this. One day you'll be 90, and your body won't look like this anymore. Be thankful for what you have now."
And I looked at my beautiful belly and my beautiful thighs in the mirror, and I was indeed thankful.
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.: posted by Vera
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Uncomfortable situations
The other day I remarked to someone that it has taken me years to get to certain emotional places that other people are born with or have come to more naturally. I don't know if it's because I was born and raised German or because of things that have happened in my life or both, but I do know that one of the purposes of my life is to overcome emotional boundaries and blockages. Every time I overcome such a thing, it feels like a million bucks, and I suppose I never would get to feel such delight if I didn't have those blockages in the first place. Also, better late than never, and some people take much longer to have these emotional breakthroughs, or they never even have them.
One thing I have overcome within the last year is my fear of confrontation. For many years of my life I was the queen of conflict avoidance. If somebody else had a problem with me, I would feel terrible, and then I would appease, apologize, rationalize, etc. until it went away. If I had a problem with someone else, I would just keep it to myself. I would rather ignore an interpersonal problem and the person involved than deal with it or deal with them. This led to me living in constant fear (of being confronted, of doing something wrong in the eyes of another, of having to have an uncomfortable conversation, etc.) and to me just swallowing my anger, annoyance, pain or whatever other negative feelings I had regarding another person.
But recently I have come out of my non-confrontational shell and have started confronting people. For instance--and this may not seem like a big deal, but it is to me--I have recently told off some people who were commenting on this blog. I would have NEVER done that in the past. I would have either ignored them or tried to appease them. But I told them off, and I am very proud of that.
And here are some very uncomfortable conversations I have had recently, which I enjoyed very much. (Yes, I actually enjoy confrontation now. It's so real and raw, and it makes me feel alive and close to the other person.)
1. I talked to the heart-broken ex-girlfriend of my lover. I felt a very strong impulse to, even though there was also a voice in my head that said it was a very bad idea and in very bad taste. But I didn't listen to that voice, and I approached her. She said she had nothing against me, only against him. She said she liked me and that she was sure I was a good person. She said she was glad that I approached her. We have had many conversations since then. I hope that our closeness doesn't make things even harder for her, but in a way I feel that she might be glad to have someone to talk to about her grievances.
2. I recently had an email exchange with someone who wishes he meant more to me than he does. I told him that I have always felt that he was attracted to me and that he kept trying to lure me into his life under the guise of just wanting to be friends. He insisted that he did just want to be friends, and I insisted that he wasn't telling me the whole truth and told him I didn't think I could be friends with him when I felt that he wasn't being completely honest with me. I held my breath every time I got a new response from him because there was a very high potential of things getting ugly, but at the same time I enjoyed that shit was hitting the fan.
3. On Monday at Death Guild I had a conversation that went something like this:
"So you de-friended me on MySpace."
"Did I? I might have. You can add me again if you want."
"Uh-huh."
I don't think I am going to add him again since he obviously doesn't see much value in my "friendship", but I didn't tell him that. Looking back, I wish I had because that would have made the conversation even more uncomfortable.
4. Last week I talked to a friend with whom I have been sexual before. I asked him if he had ever told his current girlfriend about "us." He said he hadn't, really, because he didn't think our thing had been that "epic." I swallowed and told him that that hurt my feelings a little bit. I continued that I had always felt that whatever was between us had meant more to me than it had to him, and that I had always felt more sexually attracted to him than he had to me, and that that didn't feel very good. He nodded, and I realized what an awkward conversation we were having, with his girlfriend sitting right next to us, and I also noticed how good it felt to get it out and that it made me feel even closer to him and as if our friendship could withstand anything.
I think I have found at least one way to not be so distant anymore, and that is to embrace confrontation and uncomfortable conversations.
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.: posted by Vera
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Drought
I haven't really worked since the week of Thanksgiving. I still drive a taxi two days a week, and I have done two counseling sessions in the last month, but other than that, I haven't worked.
I am enjoying all this time off. I feel like my body and mind need this period of rest and of doing nothing. I haven't used the extra time to be productive. I have used it to sleep more, lie in bed more, stay up all night more, and have more lunch dates with friends. That's about it.
Sure, worry and anxiety are making themselves felt. They are creeping up into my consciousness more and more, especially now that I am facing the costs of the Amtrak trip, the new laptop I am about to buy, and taxes I haven't paid.
Somewhere in my heart there is a place that knows without a doubt that I will find work at just the right time. That time is not now because I am still enjoying the down time too much. And Mary has been appearing to connect me to that knowing place in my heart. The other day I was driving and I started to worry about the lack of work and money. And that's when I suddenly saw a Mary sticker on a car that passed me. Then, yesterday, I was talking to my friend Aaron on the phone, and I told him that I was a little worried about money right now, and as I said it I walked by a car parked on the street that also had a Mary sticker on it. It's as if she appears to remind me that everything is going to be okay, and that she is looking out for me.
I am so thankful to have Mary in my life.
And if you want to help me out just the littlest tiny bit, you can get a Psychic Valentine for a friend. That would mean a lot to me and possibly to your friend too.
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.: posted by Vera
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The universe doesn't want me to get more piercings
Ever since Kean got his bridge pierced, I have been itching to get another piercing myself. Recently I went to Body Manipulations to get my own bridge pierced, but the piercer told me that I didn't have enough skin on my bone. Last night I went back to get my labret pierced but I got there too late, and they weren't taking any more piercees for the day. Okay, I get the message, I think.
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.: posted by Vera
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