So now that I suddenly have all this free time, what I am going to do with it?
Today I got up early and went to a 9 o'clock yoga class that had the perfect balance of strenuous and soothing. I hadn't been to yoga in months.
Then I went home, took a shower, and twiddled around on the computer for a bit. Then I hung out with my favorite cab driver, and he ended up dropping me off for my lunch date with Brittney. I met Brittney in person, everybody! I have been reading her blog for over five years, and she has recently moved to the Bay Area, so today we had Indian food together and talked about taxi driving and my favorite taxi driver, TV appearances and TV watching, the consciousness shift I believe is emerging, and monogamy. It was a delight!
Then I read my book in a park until the sun disappeared behind a tall building. That's when I started walking towards South Park to swing on the swings. On my way there, I saw my favorite cab driver again, and he gave me another ride. He said "Now I am really starting to believe in your psychic abilities. You find me everywhere." I do.
So I swung on the swings for a while, which feels childlike and playful when done with a friend and meditative when done alone. Today it was meditative. Finally I walked back to Market Street to catch the J and ramble home.
I love uncertainty. It enables surprises and makes for days like these.
I found out today that today was my last day until further notice at the company I have been freelancing for three days a week for the last four months. I was told that I wasn't needed right now because business was slow. I had started to get a little burned out on the office life so I welcome this change, but at the same time I also feel really sad.
I think the reason I'm so sad is that the last four months have been some of the best of my life. I attracted a lot of good things while I was working in that office on Brannan and 4th, most of them related to personal relationships:
- Bret and I became super close. You could say we are best friends now. - I started going to Death Guild every Monday, which has made my social life about a million times more exciting and has resulted in a fashion revolution I am really enjoying. - I reconnected with Kelly from high school. - I made many, many new goth and industrial friends, the lovely Justin being one of them. - I found a really good friend in the holy Jason but lost him again, which is sad, but I am still thankful for the friendship we had for most of August. - My sister came to visit and we worked through some old issues and became much closer. - I made friends with a hot married cab driver. - I finally healed fully from my past. - I found my connection to Mary. - I had a very Mary Burning Man. - I got laid a few times and then a few more times. - Alex and I developed this ongoing joke about me being the princess of darkness. - I did some photoshoots! Yaaaaay! - I had many mushroom trips with quality company. - I started playing with dominance. - I connected with Kean who is super fun and super sexy and such a precious gift to my life right now. - I made a lot of friends in the office, all of whom are young and laid-back.
All this while coding away, IM'ing, lunching and then swinging on swings with Bret three days a week. And now this era is over, and a new one begins. I feel melancholy.
One year ago on Sunday, Brad told me that he didn't think we should see each other anymore. I said "You are rejecting me." He said "I am not rejecting YOU." He was trying to say that he was rejecting something other than me, perhaps the idea I had for our relationship.
Today it occurred to me that his soul was also rejecting my unspoken fears ("Everybody I like is eventually going to leave me") and insecurities ("I am not good enough") because they were all lies. But that very rejection, which I internalized as a rejection of myself, meant to me that my fears and insecurities were justified and true. It has taken me a whole year to recognize that the meaning I had created was a fallacy. I have spent the last year slowly figuring out that my fears and insecurities are untrue and wrong, and finally, that them being wrong doesn't make me wrong, and that them being rejectable because of their untruth doesn't make me rejectable.
It was about 2:50am last night. Two friends and I were sharing a homebound cab. It was a DeSoto van. The driver and I were familiar with each other's faces and chatting about DeSoto. My friends were chatting with each other.
On Dolores just before 15th, we saw a bike topple over and the bicyclist spill all over the right hand lane. A Yellow Cab immediately pulled over and stopped to check on him. The bicyclist was screaming and cursing. Our driver slowed down, and my friends asked him if we could stop to help the guy lying in the street. He said of course, stopped the meter, and moved his van in a position to block the bicyclist from any traffic. By now, two other cabs had stopped at the scene. It warmed my heart to see all these cab drivers in the middle of the night, offering their help and support. One of them was already on the phone to call an ambulance.
The right leg of the guy lying in the street was twisted. Something was obviously broken badly, probably his ankle, my friends thought. Both of my friends were squatting beside the guy, asking him questions. One of them was stroking his hair.
Two more guys appeared on foot. One of them walked straight up to the guy lying in the street and started talking to him. It seemed like they knew each other.
It wasn't until now that I emerged from the taxi van to join the support group on the right hand lane of Dolores Street. I had thought that, since there were so many people milling about already, my support wasn't needed. I also hadn't really known what I had to offer. But I suddenly realized that what I had to offer was my presence and the love and healing powers in my soul, so I squatted next to the guy's right shoulder. One of the guys that had arrived on foot was holding the guy's head in his hands. He looked over at me and said "Thanks so much, you guys." Then he said "Hey, I know you." It was true. I said "Yes. You're Kevin. Hi." He works at Maxfields House of Caffeine, one block from where we were squatting right now.
A few minutes later the ambulance arrived, and a few minutes after that the police. They were all men. One of the ambulance men kept asking the guy lying in the street about some of the details of the accident, like did any body parts besides his leg hurt, did he hit his head, did he maintain contact with his bike at all times until he hit the ground. One of the police men asked if there had been any car involved, if it had been a hit-and-run, if there were any witnesses. The answer was no, there had been no car involced and no hit-and-run. Our driver ended up giving a witness statement to the police because the accident had happened right in front of his eyes.
When the ambulance men were putting the guy on a stretcher, my friends said "Okay, let's go." I said "Yeah?" They said "He's okay." I said "Okay."
I felt useless. I felt like I hadn't done anything, and I felt bad about my lack of this natural drive to help another human being out that my two friends so clearly possessed.
We rejoined with our cab driver and thanked him. In the car I found out that both of my friends had been in similar bike accidents before. I hadn't. Maybe if there had been someone lying on the street screaming about their broken heart or how confused they are about life, I might have been able to support them better. Maybe bike accidents just aren't my area of expertise. Maybe I am just making excuses for the paralysis I displayed.
What I know is that I was touched by the scene that played out in front of my eyes in the middle of the night. All these cab drivers who stopped. My friends jumping in without hesitation and nurturing the guy. One of the bicyclist's friends being Kevin from Maxfields House of Caffeine. We are all connected.
- Hot curry sauce, milk, raspberries, white chocolate balls - A cab ride from my place to a friend's place in North Beach - Two sugar cube hits of acid
It was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. I was living with Aaron in Twin Peaks. I was working from home for the University of Virginia. At one point during the day, I took a break from work and drove to Andronico's to pick up the turkey I had ordered. I vividly remember the intersection of Portola and Woodside. The sun was shining. I must have been driving Aaron's grandma's old Honda, which we shared at the time. I know I was wearing my turquoise shoes, which I have since gotten rid of. I remember feeling very happy in that moment.
My dad has been working for the same company since 1962. Today I called to see what he wanted for his birthday, which is next week.
"Hi Papa, this is Vera," I said in German when he answered the phone. He hardly ever answers the phone. My mom must have been unavailable.
"You're looking good!" he said. I love that he said that. One, it tells me that I sound happy. And two, it hints at my dad's psychic ability.
I didn't really get an answer about his birthday present, but at some point in the conversation I told him that I don't feel very grown-up. I said that in some ways, I feel totally grown-up and responsible, like that I make my own money, have my own apartment, pay my bills on time, etc. But in other ways, I feel more like a teenager, I said.
"Like, I'm in no hurry to buy a house or start a family, for instance."
"What would you like to do then?" I thought that was a brilliant question.
"I would like to keep going the way I have been," I said. "Read a lot, write a lot, dance a lot, paint, be creative, work on projects, meet new people, make connections, explore new things, discover new things about and for myself, discover and explore new parts within myself."
"Well, that sounds great," he said. "Self-discovery and self-actualization - that's all anybody could ever hope for."
"Yes."
"Maybe your sister will do the same. I don't think I am going to get her into an office either."
"Did you just say you don't think you're going to get her into an office?" I laughed.
"Yes, that's what I said."
"Are you saying that you want to get her into an office?"
"Well, an office seems more secure to me."
"It might be more secure."
"And I'm a security apostle."
"Yes, you are a security apostle." When I said this, I felt a lot of love for him.
My dad has been providing so much security for me all my life, but he has accepted that I am not taking the secure route. He lets me explore with freedom instead of security because I'm a freedom apostle these days. And I love my security apostle dad.
There was a knock on my door last night. It was a friend I hadn't seen in a few months. She said that something weird had just happened to her and asked if she could tell me about it. She sat down on my love seat and started talking. Then she started crying.
I pulled my swivel chair closer and put my arm around her. She bent over and put her face on my toweled legs (I had just gotten out of the shower). She started bawling and talked more about what had happened and then started talking about everything else that was bothering her about her life right now. I didn't say much for a long time. Her face was in my lap the whole time.
She finally sat up again and blew her nose. I said some things that I knew were true. She said some more things. I said some more things. Slowly she started lighting up. Then she said that she had to live in the city in order to get her business going. I said that she didn't have to live in the city if she didn't want to. There are already enough people who want to live in the city; she didn't have to. She said that she would much rather live in the East Bay because it's quieter and greener there. I said "Then live in the East Bay! You're lucky because it's also cheaper there!" She said "So you live in the city because you actually LIKE it." "Yes," I said, "I LOVE living in the city." "I don't," she said. "Then don't!" "East Bay!" she said excitedly. This was complete news to her, the idea that she didn't have to live in the city.
When she left, she was in a completely different mental and spiritual space than when she came. We gave each other a huge long hug and breathed heart to heart for a minute or so. When we pulled apart, we grinned at each other. "I love you," I said. "I love you too," she said.
I am so glad that she came over that night. I am so glad that I was home last night. I am so glad that we are both open enough to let magic happen in the room.
And trust me, there will be many more in the future. This aired in the October 17 edition of Eye on the Bay on CBS5 at 7pm. Bret and I watched it together, and he was kind enough to Tivo it, and yesterday he finally put it on YouTube.
So, you can't actually see me. But I promise you that I am the driver in the car, and you can see my blue sleeve towards the very end.
