I love me
I got a wondrous CD in the mail today. It was labeled "Vera photos." It's from the photoshoot I did with Ilan and Claudia for ilaniowear.com recently. I uploaded almost ALL of the pictures because I know that you wanted to see them in ALL their glory and I wanted you to seem too.
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.: posted by Vera 
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What if the real me sucks?
In 10th grade my friend Philipp and I had the following conversation.
Me: You know how they always say to be who you are?
Philipp: Yeah.
Me: Well, what if who you are sucks?
Philipp: Good point.
So I continued spending the rest of my life trying not to suck rather than being who I am.
That same night Philipp and I also talked about this guy Marcel. He was two years older than us, and I had never talked to him but I had seen him around school. Philipp had told me that Marcel and his friends called me Vision Vera. The name stemmed from a period in 7th grade when I did a lot of skateboarding and sometimes wore this huge white Vision Street Wear (a skater brand) sweatshirt to school. But that was three years ago. I wanted to know why they still called me Vision Vera. I also wanted to know if it was a derogatory name or what. Marcel was at the same party Philipp and I were at that night. I told Philipp that I wanted to talk to Marcel about the Vision Vera name. Philipp didn't think it was a good idea. He thought I would embarrass myself. He thought it would make for a really awkward conversation. I believed Philipp. But I also knew that the real me wanted to have this conversation with Marcel. So I did.
I walked over to Marcel and asked him if I could talk to him. He sat down next to me, where Philipp had sat before. I told him that I had heard that he and his friend called me Vision Vera behind my back. I asked him if they were making fun of me. He told me that they weren't making fun of me but that they had noticed that sweatshirt back in the day because it had been very noticeable, and that since they didn't know me and there were several other Veras at our school, they had decided to call me Vision Vera because that way they always knew who they were talking about. He said that the "Vision" part was just a qualifier, not a derogation. I then told him that I was glad and also that I felt really weird about having asked him about it, and I repeated this several times, and he kept reassuring me not to worry about it. Now I know that the only reason I felt weird about it is because of what Philipp had said, but back then I was still very worried that Marcel thought I was weird.
I wish I had continued listening to the real me and expressing what the real me wanted to express, but that has been far from the truth basically all my life.
But today I let the real me come forward. I saw this girl after yoga class who I had seen there before. The last time I had seen her I had been jealous of her because she was so pretty. She was pretty in this really unique, almost alien sort of way, and I had thought "I wish I had that kind of unique, alien beauty about me." It had not felt good because it had made me feel bad about myself.
When I saw her today, the real me wanted to say something to her even if it came out of nowhere and seemed weird. So I did. I walked up to her and said "Hi." She said "Hi." We were both glowing and smiling from our yoga class. I said "I just wanted to tell you that I think you're really pretty. I have seen you here before." She clutched her heart and said "Thank you!" Then we did a little small talk, and then we went our separate ways. The exchange had felt good, and I wasn't jealous of her anymore.
And this is what I learned about the real me, none of which sucks:
- The real me likes to talk to people that move her.
- The real me likes to express what's on her mind.
- The real me likes to give honest compliments to people.
- The real me can turn negative feelings into positive ones just by expressing something that's there.
- The real me is pretty happy when she is being real.
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.: posted by Vera
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Autechre and I
I am listening to Autechre, and I am feeling like myself again. This is a familiar feeling - not just feeling like myself but the feeling of feeling like myself while listening to Autechre. I had that feeling in January 2005 as well.
There are more parallels between January 2005 and now. Both times I am seeing the dawn after a depression that lasted several months. Both times the depression was triggered by a short* relationship that ended--involuntarily on my part. Both times there was something I wanted to learn and change about my life, and it took me a while to finally get that; hence the duration of the depression.
In 2005 the two things I had had to see in order to finally feel like myself again were:
- I had to look for peace and answers within myself rather than outside of myself. That's why I decided to start using my psychic sense and stop partying so damn much.
- It was time for me to leave the corporate world and create my own work path. It took me a while to leave, and the new path is not completely solid yet, but as soon as I understood that that was what needed to happen, I saw the light of dawn.
This year the two things I had to see were:
- I have to accept ALL of myself, even the parts that seem unacceptable. Like that I get hung up on guys or that I get depressed. The last time, as soon as I had come out of the depression, I completely lost all compassion for the me that had been depressed. I basically labeled her silly and somehow wrong and I vowed that I would never be her again. That resistance is what made this year's depression so difficult. Accepting that I get depressed from time to time actually made the depression go away.
- I have to stop gagging myself in relationships. The relationship ended after we had a conversation that more or less revealed that I wanted him to be my boyfriend and he didn't want me to be his girlfriend. I wanted to say to the universe "See? As soon as I express what I actually want, something terrible happens! I was right to gag myself!" But just recently I realized that I have NEVER revealed the true me in relationships. The only person who perhaps got to see the true me was my high school boyfriend Brent. Ever since then I have been playing the game of fear. Like when I didn't tell my four-year boyfriend Aaron that I loved him because I wanted him to say it first. I am so fucking done with that soul-squelching game, it's not even funny. The real irony is that the guy from the most recent relationship described me as "open, honest and direct." Yeah, right. But I certainly will be from now on.
So here I am again, listening to Autechre and feeling like myself again. I have learned a lot and now have a better relationship than ever before with myself and the things that are inside me and want to come out.
*Two weeks then; two months this time.
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.: posted by Vera
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One of the many times I gagged myself
When I was 16, this guy Peter and I were writing letters to each other. We had had crushes on each other when I was 10 and he was 14 and had met in secret a couple of times, but our relationship never blossomed because he was ashamed of it in front of his friends because I was so much younger. But now I was 16 and he had already graduated and left our school, and somehow we had started writing letters to each other.
I trusted in him and his view of me. I knew he had a high opinion of me. I wasn't very afraid to say the wrong thing that would make him like me less. In one of my letters I openly admitted to him that I loved the song Mr. Vain. I wouldn't have admitted that to people whose view of me I didn't trust.
But there was one thing I thought about writing to him about and then didn't. I had just been at the supermarket and bought two different packages of maxipads. I was very excited about them. I was looking forward to using them. I had only had my period for about a year and a half (I had been a late bloomer), and every time I started bleeding, I got excited. Also, I really liked shopping, especially for toiletries, and pads definitely count as toiletries, so I was still feeling a little bit of the toiletries shopping high.
So as I sat down to write a letter to Peter, I thought about the things in my life I could tell him about. And the thing that was the most present to me at the time was my excitement about the maxipads I had just bought, which were now in my room. But I decided not to mention them.
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.: posted by Vera
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A conversation I once had with my childhood friend Tobi
I think we were about 8.
Me: You're always bragging about how your dad is oh-so strong.
Tobi: And you're always bragging about how your dad is oh-so funny.
Me: Well, my dad happens to be very funny.
Tobi: Well, my dad happens to be very strong.
This conversation inspires some questions. What is the difference between bragging and expression of pride? Is there really such thing as bragging? Is it bragging only when the expressing party has some kind of insecurity or perceived shortcoming? Is it bragging only when the receiving party has some kind of insecurity or perceived shortcoming?
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.: posted by Vera
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Some possibilities I am creating for myself
- being financially secure without having (or wanting) job security
- walking around in world history* as if there is nothing wrong with me
- having enough hair and loving the hair I have
- being completely straight about my sexual needs and wants
*The German expression "in der Weltgeschichte herumlaufen" translates to "walking around in world history." It pretty much means "going through life."
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.: posted by Vera
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What makes the grind tolerable
I think what makes the computer work more tolerable for me right now than, say, a few months ago is that there are other areas of my life that are important to me that are coming together right now.
Like
- This month I am showing my paintings in public for the first time ever.
- My friend and literary agent Nicole and I are very close to submitting two proposals to Chronicle Books and several other publishing companies.
- I just did some modeling for a photoshoot for Ilanio, which was super fun and and felt like spoon-feeding chocolate mousse to my vain ego.
- I am getting more and more requests for psychic readings and counseling sessions. A year ago, I had less than one a month. Now it's more like one to two inquiries per week.
With all of these exciting developments going on right now, it feels okay to do computer work for a while because it is becoming more and more clear that that is just transitional work and is paving the way--especialy financially--towards things I am more passionate about.
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.: posted by Vera
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Enjoying the daily grind
This week and last week I have been freelancing part-time at a company that makes websites. I had briefly worked with them a few months ago, and now I am back.
Every morning on my way to the office I walk by this huge billboard advertising Microsoft Office 2007. It says
Day 1. Feel free to enjoy the daily grind. It's a new day. It's a new office.
And I have to say that that billboard kind of captures how I feel about doing this "office work" right now. I am really kind of enjoying it. For now.
I love sleeping in until 8.
I love taking the bus to the office and reading my book.
I love running up the industrial stairs and seeing that colorful circle.
I love having all these male co-workers who turn up their speakers and take turns playing one-hit wonders from their iTunes libraries and who offer me a piece of their frozen snickers bar as an afternoon snack.
I love having lunch or coffee with nice people I knew from last year's part-time freelance gig because somehow, we all found ourselves in the same neighborhood again.
I love writing hacky ActionScript and being told I write "great code."
I love watching the dark sun come into the office in the late afternoon/early evening.
I love getting paid that much.
I love taking the bus back to other parts of my life, like yoga class, or my creativity circle, or the ongoing Landmark Seminar, which starts tonight.
I love knowing that this grind is temporary and that I can always go back to my game of Dare.
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.: posted by Vera
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