Oh yeah, I forgot
I'm in Kailua, Hawaii. I'll be back on Tuesday.
Thanks to Juraj for telling me to go to Kailua. My aunt and I like it here.
Yesterday we didn't do anything. All we did was lie on our beds and talk. It was like therapy. I think we're on Therapy Island.
|
.: posted by Vera 
|
|
Fuck you, teenagers of Germany
When I was 12, I really liked to dress in really bright colors. Sometimes I wore white pants with green, blue, red and yellow stripes with a bright yellow and pink jacket. Then one time I got this outfit that was slightly more subdued colorwise, it was navy blue and dark green. The first day I wore it to school, this girl on the school bus that was two years older than us said to my friend Mone "Tell Vera that the oufit she wore today was actually really nice. Her other outfits aren't that great though." Mone told me. Gee thanks, stupid girl that's two years older. Now fuck you.
When I was in 9th grade, my class went on a day trip to Cologne. I bought a black mini skirt there. I wore it to school a few days later, with my navy blue Converse. I liked the outfit but I was really embarrassed because teenagers in Germany don't wear mini skirts to school, especially not with Converse. I hid behind my friends all day. My friend Julia said "If you're going to wear a mini skirt, then wear it with pride!" I knew that she was right but I had a hard time with that. Everybody was looking at me because my outfit was so...unusual at our school.
When I was in 11th grade, this group of really cool girls decreed that I was cool enough to hang out with them. Gee thanks, girls, now f--- we'll get to that point later. These girls all wore Dr. Martens boots with 16 holes, tight jeans, and flannels. That was their uniform. As soon as I was accepted into their group, I got a pair of Dr. Martens too. I had to. One time, Katrin, who was in that group, and I were talking before class in the morning. She started giggling and said "I remember that one time you wore a mini skirt to school in 9th grade. With Converse! That was so funny!" Funny, huh? Fuck you forever and ever.
While I was in 11th grade and hanging out with the cool girls, I also still had my friends from before. Like there was Maxi. Maxi didn't wear Dr. Martens and flannels. She wore slightly more feminine clothes. I liked her style a lot too, and sometimes when I hung out with her, I wore more feminine clothes too, like shoes with chunky heels. I also still had my friend Kerstin. Kerstin had a hint of redneck in her. One time I went to a party at Kerstin's house. The cool girls found out that there had been a party at Kerstin's house. I didn't think that they would have wanted to go there; that's why I hadn't invited them. Kerstin was, well, not like them. A few days later, Ina, who was one of the cool girls, pulled me aside and said that it wasn't cool that I hadn't invited the group to Kerstin's party. "We do everything together," she said. "When one of us is invited somewhere, all of us are invited." She then told me that I couldn't be part of their group anymore. I was crushed, but also sort of relieved. Thanks for the memories, group of cool girls. Now fuck you.
Luckily, at the end of 11th grade, I got the hell out of Germany and escaped to California for a year. Nobody knew me there. I started dressing however the fuck I wanted. I went to thrift stores and bought super colorful, ridiculous dresses. And I started wearing them. There were a lot of black people at the first high school I went to (in Pasadena), and I started wearing big hoop ear rings and bandanas like them. I also still wore my Dr. Martens but now I combined them with my new colorful, ridiculous thrift store dresses. Because that's how I liked it.
After six months of living in Pasadena, I moved to Victorville and went to a new high school. And I couldn't believe my eyes - lots of the girls there were wearing colorful, ridiculous thrift store dresses with Dr. Martens boots as well! And there were girls wearing short skirts with Converse and knee highs! I was in heaven.
When I moved back to Germany at the end of the year, something had shifted. Suddenly I wasn't afraid anymore to wear something...unusual to school. Being away for so long had given me a new attitude, this "you can't touch me or change me" attitude. So I started wearing my crazy colorful dresses and skirts to school and my striped knee highs, and I wore short skirts with tennis shoes A LOT. Because that's how I liked it. I became known as the girl who dresses all crazy and colorful. It stayed that way for the remaining two years I lived in Germany. Because you know what? Fuck you, you stupid people at my old school. Fuck you, Katrin and Ina and the rest of the cool girls. Fuck you. I'm going to wear whatever the fuck I like, and YOU are going to like it.
Sometimes I think that my fear of rejection doesn't come from boys who have rejected me in the past but from years and years of not fitting in in Germany. Germany is so homogeneous, and I was never down with that. And because I wasn't down with it, my peers rejected me over and over again. And now I'm afraid of rejection. But sometimes I do have to wonder: Does a human being exist that is NOT afraid of rejection? I don't think I have ever met one. But I do aspire to be one.
P.S.: Wow, it felt really good to write this. My body is full of electricity.
P.P.S.: How fitting that I listened to Smalltown Boy by Bronski Beat on repeat the entire time that I was writing this.
|
.: posted by Vera
|
|
And as if that's not enough
Something else happened on Tuesday that's really, really cool. I had a little chat with Paul Madonna of All Over Coffee fame, no, not online, but in person, in the flesh.
I first discovered All Over Coffee almost two years ago, thanks to Amy. I spent that Thanksgiving weekend devouring all the All Over Coffee archives and finding consolation from my troubles in them.
I have been following All Over Coffee ever since and noticed that Paul Madonna was going to be part of Sketch Tuesdays at 111 Minna this week. It was supposed to be from 6 to 9pm, and I got there too early, shortly after 5. But luckily, Paul Madonna was early too. I approached him and said "Are you Paul Madonna?" He said yes and we talked for a while. I didn't achieve anything in particular with that conversation, but I feel that energetically it was very good for me. It's good to exchange words with an artist that really inspires you. I'm happy it happened.
|
.: posted by Vera
|
|
This is why I started driving a taxi
Subtitle: And if you didn't already know that I'm extremely self-absorbed, you will definitely know now.
I knew that as a taxi driver, by being exposed to so many random people, I would be presented with opportunities I otherwise never would. It turns out that the tickets to the Dwell on Design conference that the friendly girl I had in my cab last Friday had given me were one of those opportunities. I used both of those tickets, one on Saturday and one on Sunday.
On Saturday I talked to the publisher and the art director of TODO Magazine. TODO Magazine has inspired me ever since I first saw it in taxi school. It is distributed in taxis, and on the last page, they always have a cab driver of the month cartoon. I want to be cab driver of the month. I also want TODO Magazine to tell everybody in the city to see me for a psychic reading. I just want a piece of me to be in that magazine because I like that magazine. At the conference, I walked up the publisher and the art director.
"How do I become cab driver of the month?"
"Are you a cab driver?"
"Yeah."
"Cool."
"I know."
"Who do you drive for?"
"DeSoto."
"Well, we work mostly with Luxor and Yellow because they distribute our magazine. But we might be able to make an exception."
They took down my name, phone number, email address, and the URL of my cabbie blog. I have a feeling I'm going to hear from them again. I think they were intrigued because I'm not your typical cab driver. I'm a young educated woman with pig tails and Hello Kitty ear rings. Ain't too many cab drivers wear that.
Since I couldn't find any Dwell Magazine editors on Saturday, I went back on Sunday because I knew they were going to have a Meet the Editors thing from 2 to 4. The editors I met were two guys.
"Hi, I'm Andrew."
"Hi, I'm Sam."
"Hi, I'm Vera."
"So, what's up?"
"I wanted to show you a picture of my apartment."
I got out my printout of this picture and held it up.
"My apartment is really colorful."
"I think I have seen that before. Haven't you sent me that before?"
"Yeah, you know what, I think I have written to Dwell Magazine before."
"I actually thought it was really cool when I saw it."
"But sometimes we get things that don't fit into our current issue."
"Is it a rental?"
"Yes."
"Ooooo."
"We're thinking about doing a section on rentals soon. Where is it?"
"24th and Dolores."
"Can you send us your pictures again?"
"Sure."
So maybe one day my colorful apartment will be in Dwell Magazine. That would be swell.
Admittedly, it feels a little strange running around advertising myself like that and saying "I want to be in your magazine!" But hey, I love being in magazines. I just love it. It makes me feel alive and drives me. And it doesn't hurt to ask. When you ask, you might just get what you want.
|
.: posted by Vera
|
|
I couldn't stop laughing on the Muni today
I was reading Chloe Does Yale and came across this passage where Chloe and a friend are shopping for a vibrator for Chloe:
"So, Chlo, what do you think?"
"It's...you know..it seems...pleasurable." This is not like buying a skirt. What am I supposed to say? [...]
"I think my clitoris is really going to dig it," I say.
Veronica looks at me, slightly perturbed.
"You are so weird."
I blush.
The clitoris part alone didn't make me laugh, but when I got to the "You are so weird" part, I couldn't help myself. That response somehow made the conversation super comical to me.
|
.: posted by Vera
|
|
Two days and the rest of today
That's how much longer my aunt has to wait until she is in San Francisco. Or something. She is arriving on Friday at 11:55 AM, and I am going to pick her up at the airport with my taxi and take her to her hotel. Then, on Tuesday, we are leaving for Hawaii for a week. And a few days after we get back from that, she will fly back to Germany.
A little background on my aunt. Her name is Inge, pronounced like the "inge" part in "Debra Winger." She is 54 and my dad's younger sister. She has always been my favorite aunt. She is also my godmother. She has always been "cooler" than most other adults and aunts I have known. No matter how old I was or what I was going through, she has found a way to relate to me, to speak my language, and to make me feel understood. Lately, the language we speak in has been very spiritual, and it has helped us bond, and it's why we're calling our Hawaii trip a spiritual journey.
One of my favorite memories of my aunt is from when I was 13. I had been caught stealing at the beginning of spring break. I had stolen a fountain pen. This was probably the sixth fountain pen I had stolen; I didn't get caught stealing the first five. My parents were EXTREMELY disappointed in me and grounded me for the rest of spring break, which was almost three weeks. After a while my aunt suggested that I come stay with her. At the time, she lived in a neighboring small town about three miles from my hometown. My parents, in a flash of leniency or mercy or something, agreed and let me stay with my aunt for the remainder of spring break. The main purpose of my being grounded, I think, was to keep me away from my friends. And I got that, even at my aunt's. All my friends were three miles away and I didn't see them. But my aunt did let me go outside, and she bought me my first roll-on deodorant and gave me ice-cream and otherwise spoiled me. I liked being grounded at her house.
After moving back into my parents' house, I said to my mom "Inge didn't seem to think that being caught stealing is such a big deal." And my mom replied "Well, she is your aunt, not your mother. It's a lot easier for her to take it lightly." Well, yeah. See what I mean though about my aunt being cool? Did I mention she is also psychic?
Another favorite memory is from when I was in the hospital when I was 10. One day my parents brought me a letter and some gifts from my aunt. And just seeing her handwriting and reading what she had said had given me a feeling of well-being and hopefulness. Even if it was fleeting, it was pretty powerful. I don't remember what her letter had said, but that it was just so soothing and positive. I think she has always had special healing powers on me.
These days our relationship is more mature and reciprocal. She turns to me for guidance about as much as I do to her, and that makes both of us proud. I have healing powers now too.
|
.: posted by Vera
|
|
Restraint
There is a certain person who is currently very restrained when it comes to interacting with me. Because this person reads my blog I have been restraining myself when it comes to posting the contents of my mind. So instead of talking about what I have been thinking, I'm just going to talk about what I have been doing.
Last Friday I went to the Get Freaky party at 1015. I hadn't been to a Get Freaky party since January 2005 and I hadn't been to any party of this kind since about May 2005. I had a lot of fun and thought that maybe Burning Man had put me back in the mood for dancing and partying again. And that was true for that night, but this weekend I'm already not feeling it anymore. This weekend all I want to do is be by myself and write and putter around and listen to music and think and feel. That being said, I had so much fun dancing that night. I was a dance machine.
Last Saturday I hung out with some girls. My friend Angie the painter had invited me. And Susan, who I have inspired to go to taxi school to become a taxi driver (!), was there too. I had two beers and two cigarettes and then I went home.
On Sunday I went to hooping and I'm so glad I went. It was exactly what I needed that day.
On Monday I drove a taxi and it sucked ass. I totally wasn't feeling it.
On Tuesday I went into the office where I do freelance Flash stuff. But somebody had messed up and according to all the records I had been terminated before Burning Man. None of my passwords worked and I couldn't do any work. They sent me home after one hour and said to come back the next day.
Tuesday night I went to a big post-Burning Man dinner and slideshow at Amy's and Jay's. They have a beautiful place and it was a beautiful get-together. I felt privileged to be invited. My favorite part was when Brendan said good-bye to me and Jason and said "See you soon." But then he said "Well, Jason, I know I'll see YOU soon for sure, but you, Vera, are kind of a wildcard. Who knows if you'll disappear again for a year and a half." That's right, who knows?
Wednesday I did freelance Flash work at that office and my passwords were reinstated. That night Bret and I saw the movie The Last Kiss. It was a good movie and made me laugh a lot. Go see it. Who is Bret? I'll get back to you on that one.
On Thursday I got my period. Thank the lord. Blood is always welcome in my panties. That night I met up with Zachary, Daniel and a few others at SFMOMA to see the installation of Björk's boyfriend, called Drawing Restraint.
Friday I drove a taxi and it was AWESOME. It was a great day to be alive and be a taxi driver. I had lots of super chatty people in my car. They are my favorite. This one really friendly girl told me she was on her way to a conference put on by Dwell Magazine, her employer. I told her that I have been wanting Dwell Magazine to write an article about my super colorful apartment to make the statement that bright colors aren't just for babies, they make adults happy too, and she gave me two full-day passes to the conference. So I think I'm going to go there later today to chat up an editor or something.
On Friday afternoon I was hungry so I went to Ali Baba's Cave on Valencia because they have the best soft-yet-crunchy Falafel sandwich in the world, and I noticed that in the back of the building they have this round, tent-like sitting area where you can sit on cushions on the floor, and I sat in there by myself, and then this guy with dready hair and a bike helmet asked if it's okay if he sits in there with me. I said "Yes, that's okay" because I liked his energy. We chatted for quite a while while eating our Falafel sandwiches. We talked about the Falafel sandwiches, about bikes, about Burning Man, about money, about living situations, about the universe. His name was Tommy and he had just moved to San Francisco from Tennessee. I love making random friends like that.
So it feels like I have been doing a lot. It feels like I have been out and about and being very social. But today I'm feeling very off somehow. The internet at my house isn't working. I turned down a paid hooping gig and I think they are mad at me for flaking. While I am thankful that my weekend is wide open and I can do whatever I want, it also feels kind of lonely, and I wish I had a coffee date with a friend or something... and as I was typing this, my friend Amber walked into the coffee shop I was typing this at. I hadn't seen Amber since 1998! It turns out she has lived in San Francisco for three years, and I never knew about it. We exchanged phone numbers and are going to hang out soon.
|
.: posted by Vera
|
|
I have the post-playa blues and need an ego boost
So here are some nice things other people have said about me on the Internet recently.
Ariel said on July 15:
Among my group of blog peers (those of us who have been doing this for 4 or 5 or even more years), there are very few of us who still write honestly on our blogs. In the Age of Google it can feel too risky to write about the juicy stuff, and with the number of trolls crawling around the web it can be pretty rough to bare your soul and make yourself vulnerable. Not so for Vera. She's been in a year of intense personal growth and transformation and she writes about it very frankly -- even the ugly bits. Sometimes reading her blog almost makes me a little uncomfortable -- a sign of important things going on! -- but Vera knows what she's doing, and it makes for amazing reading. If Electrolicious were as honest a blog as Verabug, it would be a whole different show around here. Instead, y'all get a safe-for-public-consumption version of my life.
Willo said on August 12:
My friend Vera quit her full time job awhile back (which is how I know her, as she is also a Flash Goddess) and is now a part-time cab driver, among other things. She just sent out one of her newsletters & announced that she's started a blog about some of her adventures being a cab driver, especially considering she is one of the few women cab drivers in the city. I read the first one today and then proceeded to read ALL of them. She's a pretty good writer and I like hearing (reading) about her awareness of her own thoughts, and the basic human interaction and adventures she has daily with complete strangers. It's kind of like a sneak peak into her unintentionally voyeuristic vantage point as a cab driver, as well as her commitment to herself to be so mindful in every interaction. Sort of a "nothing is a coincidence" POV. I dig it!
Amy said on September 7:
vera has posted a most excellent list of her favorite burning man 2006 moments, and now i feel like scrapping my long diatribe and doing the same. perhaps i'll do both. seriously, mine is so long i've considered adding an executive summary and a summary table. i'm so not kidding.
by the way, i'm really happy for vera. her first burn experience (2004) was not all-together positive, and she skipped 2005. it was great to have her back out there - even just knowing i could run into vera at any moment and that she was out there somewhere, sparkling around, was comforting.
|
.: posted by Vera
|
|
Really, all taxi drivers are a little bit psychic
Yesterday I watched the movie Collateral because a friend had told me that it's about a taxi driver, and it was. My favorite scene in the movie was when a woman with a briefcase had gotten into his taxi and talked briefly on the cell phone with someone and the following conversation ensued:
Taxi driver: So how do you like being a lawyer?
Woman: What, are you psychic?
Taxi driver: A little bit.
I'm also happy that the movie reminded me of the song The Seed 2.0 by The Roots feat. Cody Chesnutt. That's a good motherfucking song.
|
.: posted by Vera
|
|
Back to normal
My skin is back to normal. A week ago it was so soft and smooth. My eyes are back to normal. A week ago they were so big. My voice is back to normal. A week ago it was so clear. My hair is almost back to normal. A week ago it was so raggedy yet soft. My body is getting back to normal. This morning it was so skinny, but I ate a lot today.
My life is back to normal. Except that it's different from before because I have changed. Shifts happen. And that is good.
|
.: posted by Vera
|
|
A list will have to do
Some of these are very cryptic. There are some cats I don't feel comfortable letting out of the bag right here right now.
My favorite Burning Man 2006 moments, in no particular order:
- That one time that one guy looked at me that one way and it made every cell of mine tingle.
- That one time Gerry and I found the Space Cowboys party and my body went ape nuts all over the dance floor.
- That one time Carli and I went to Depeche Mode night at Club Verboten.
- That one time I cuddled and slept (and I really mean sleep, as in I was asleep) with a campmate for two hours on a moving vehicle.
- That one time after Christabel's wedding ceremony where I cried for an hour or so in the early morning sun to be found and cheered up afterwards by Marilyn and Zachary and this really colorful girl from LA named Roller.
- That one time I said to this guy "Hey, you look really familiar." and he said "Well, yeah, I'm Moby." and I said "Oh, you're Moby!" and he said "Yeah." and I said "Wow."
- That one time I was squatting next to the Serpent's flaming egg and this guy squatted down next to me and said "I just wanted to say that you're fucking beautiful. You're, like, HERE, right NOW." Thanks, bearded stranger!
- That one time Gerry and I walked into Spike's Vampire Bar and they were playing A Forest by The Cure and then they played Blasphemous Rumours by Depeche Mode and then they played a Sisters of Mercy song I hadn't heard since, oh I don't know, 1992 or so.
- That one time I went by Spike's during the day and they were playing Change by Tears for Fears and I got on the empty round platform outside and spun around and danced until the song stopped and then I bowed thanks to the guy in charge of the dance floor and he bowed thanks to me.
- That one time I rode by this camp where all these people in red were dancing on a catwalk, and hey, look at that, I was wearing red too so I was able to join them and dance and have my picture taken by many a photographer that was drawn to all the red.
- That one time a good friend made an indecent proposal, and I accepted.
- That one time I went for a long walk and talk with the boy who broke my heart two years ago and told him about all the fear I still carry around with me because of him and how it was affecting my current fledgling relationship with that boy in San Francisco, and I told him that in my book Rejection, the chapter about him is going to be a really long one.
- That one time I realized that Antonio's girlfriend Linda is really really amazing.
- That one time Linda gave me the most awesome and forceful massage that freed me of ALL my knots.
- That one time I did a little dance just for Antonio and Linda.
- That one time I realized that my next door neighbors were called Psychic Taxi. Psychic. Taxi. They ended up giving me a Psychic Taxi tank top after I made my case.
- That one time I ran into Val and Tina from my counseling training at the Temple burn.
- That one time this cute pink girl was hanging out in our dome and I said that I liked her butterfly bracelet and she took it off her wrist and put it on mine.
- That one time that same cute pink girl did the Emerson dance in the dome after Patrick mentioned Emerson. You know, Ralph Waldo Emerson.
- That one time I realized that my campmate Jesse was a really great person and that our conversation was the beginning of a great friendship.
- That one time I ate about eleven meat balls even though I don't eat meat.
- That one time Scott Planttrees asked me how I was doing and I said "My bike is gone" and he looked perplexed and said "My bike is gone" and I realized that that wasn't really an answer to his question but it totally captured how I was doing.
- That one time I was squatting next to the False Profit dance floor and this guy came up and asked me what I was doing down there and I ended up telling him a good portion of my life story. I must have bored him to death.
- That one time I threw some things into one of the burn bins in order to release yet more fear, and anger, too.
- That one time Kyle caught me early in the morning and then did it again a few days later. Check out all his other pictures; he is so talented.
- That one time Daniel fed me a pizza-flavored tortilla with avocado and peach salsa and it felt like I had never eaten anything better.
- That one time the almost-full moon was aligned perfectly with the green lasers at Opulent Temple and I couldn't stop screaming at it.
- That one time my former co-worker Edwin stopped by my camp, whom I hadn't seen since I quit that job.
- That one time around sunrise when this guy came up to me and said "Goddess, how are you doing?" and I said "Very well" and he said "Good" and I said "Yeah, thank God" and he showed me his knuckles which spelled out FUCK YEAH and then I said "Fuck yeah" and he said "FUCK yeah" and I said "FUCK yeah." Fuck yeah had been one of my favorite expressions for the last month or so.
- That one time I got laid. Fuck yeah.
- That one time I was really sweaty and dusty and took a shower.
- That one time I knew I was in love.
P.S.: Here are all the Pinhole pictures my camp took.
|
.: posted by Vera
|
|
I'm wearing my glasses today
After having been a desert nymph for a week, I needed to feel a little nerdy.
|
.: posted by Vera
|
|
Back with a key and a still-wrapped condom
I don't have the words or the energy right now. I haven't touched any of my dusty stuff, and I mean that in more ways than one, but maybe I will tomorrow.
And if you're smart you have figured out that you can look at my pictures.
|
.: posted by Vera
|
|
|
|
|
