About those workshops
So. Nobody signed up for Manifest Intuition, my very first very own nine-week psychic awareness training. It was supposed to start on Tuesday, January 17. On January 7 during my counseling training, I used my turn in one of our practice counseling sessions to talk about the fact that nobody had signed up for my workshop and that it seemed that my attempt to teach this workshop had failed, and Tracy--bless her heart--said "Go ahead and let yourself feel like a failure." Wow! That was powerful. I had never allowed myself to feel like a failure before. I hadn't experienced much, if any, failure in the professional/work/school/achievement realm anyway, but even when I did, I never allowed myself to actually feel like a failure. As soon as Tracy said that, I collapsed and tears of relief started flowing. My workshop had failed! Woohoo! For somebody who had never allowed herself to fail before that was quite an accomplishment and felt really good.
The really painful part though is that I offered something that I believe in to the world, and nobody wanted it. But here is the part I actually like about the fact that nobody signed up for the workshop: It means that I don't have to teach it! That's a big relief for me, bigger than I ever would have admitted--or even recognized--before. More and more I have had to admit to myself that I DON'T REALLY WANT TO BE TEACHING WORKSHOPS RIGHT NOW. Whenever I thought about the first meeting of the workshop, my stomach turned. People were going to be looking at me, I was going to be in the spotlight, and something was going to be expected of me. I do not feel comfortable in a situation like that right now, and it is certainly not my idea of fun. But what I really want right now is fun. Anything I do, for money or for free, I want to be fun. So, since I believe in manifestation, I now believe that I manifested that nobody signed up for the workshop because I don't really want to be teaching it right now.
I definitely want to teach about psychic awareness in the future, but not until the idea of it feels like so much fun that I couldn't imagine a better way to spend a Tuesday evening. And if it never gets to that point, then I guess I will never be teaching a workshop.
But. It still hurts to think that I put something out there, and nobody wanted it. Something similar happened with my other workshop, Moon Cycle Manifestation, which was supposed to start last night. I have taught this one before, and it was fun, but the closer the date came, the more I realized how much anxiety, pressure and discomfort I felt regarding the first meeting. About two weeks before its start date, only two people had signed up. There was a third person who said that she wanted to sign up, but I never received her payment or confirmation. Two people is not enough for a workshop that meets four times. On Sunday night, the day before it was supposed to start, somebody called who was also interested. I told her that if she came, I would definitely go forward with the first new moon meeting, which is really the most important one, and then we could all decide if we wanted to continue on with such a small group. But she said that she was really hoping for more people and that she would wait for the next time I offer this workshop. And guess what? I was relieved! I thought "Oh good, then I need to cancel it." So I cancelled it and told the two confirmed participants that it was cancelled.
But. It still hurts to think that I put something out there, and almost nobody wanted it. But I think that the universe rewarded me for being proactive and recognizing that I don't really want to teach right now. The next morning I got another email from somebody intent on taking the workshop. And at night I got a call from somebody who had showed up to the workshop, not knowing that it was cancelled because she had never gotten in touch with me. So in the end, there were five people who wanted to take the workshop. Five people would have been enough to go forward with the workshop. So that refutes the idea that I put something out there and nobody wanted it. It also refutes the idea that I was charging too much money. Some of you might have gotten the newsletter I sent out recently in which I said that I was charging too much and that I was now offering it to friends for donations only. But it's not true that I was asking too much money! Because all the people that ended up interested in taking it didn't know about the friendship special and would have paid full price! So there!
Also, I just saw that someone else is offering something that sounds very similar to Moon Cycle Manifestation, and she is asking more money for even less workshop time! And I'm sure she is going to get it. So there again.
Thank you, universe, for showing me that I wasn't charging too much money, that there are people out there who want what I'm offering, but most importantly for showing me that I don't really want to teach right now.
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.: posted by Vera 
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It's all making sense now
In the year 2000 I discovered Flash and thought it was the coolest thing ever. I wanted nothing more than to design and develop web things in Flash that would bring a sparkle to other people's eyes. For a few years I did just that.
Then I got a job at the company that makes Flash. And suddenly I wasn't using Flash creatively anymore. At first this bothered me, but after a while I actually liked it. My practical and logical side kicked in and reminded me that it's a lot easier to be good at something very straight-forward. In the world of QA, something either works or it doesn't. It's very black and white. It's easy to be good at black and white things. Just as when I was in school I shyed away from art and creative writing and focused instead more on math because it was black and white, I convinced myself in my professional life that a black and white job was easier than a creative one.
Eventually the black and white nature of my job drove me to leave the company and to want to stay a mile and a half away even from Flash. I thought "How could I have gone so wrong? Was I totally misled the whole time I pursued a career with Flash?" I am now pursuing something totally different - how could I ever have thought that Flash was it?
The answer came to me a few days ago: It was the creative potentiality of Flash that had pulled me towards it initially. But over the years I had moved farther and farther away from that creative potentiality until I couldn't even recognize it anymore. But I recognized it the other day when I created the concept for Psychic Valentines. In that project I used Flash creatively and for my own purposes--for my new business that is as opposite from Flash development as angels are from stock options. And the coolest thing about that is that the animation of the girl that has now become Psychic Vera with the third eye, was one of the first things I ever created with Flash. Back in 2000. It's all making sense now. The time I spent working with Flash is not lost: Thanks to my experience I can now create cute web things for my new business.
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.: posted by Vera
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By the way
I'm still doing the colon cleanse I started in November. I'm glad I'm doing it. I know it is benefitting me although I'm not sure I can put my finger on what exactly it's doing for me. I feel like I have more poop coming out of me on a daily basis than I did before I started doing the cleanse; as a result I feel lighter. I also feel like I have less of an appetite than I did before and I don't eat as many unnecessary things. But that could also be related to my not having a job anymore: Since I don't sit miserably in an office anymore, I don't get those chocolate cravings or cookie cravings or even lunch cravings anymore.
I don't mind taking the five or ten minutes every morning to mix and drink my colon cleanse drink, although it is kind of a pain in the butt, especially since the very green liquid chlorophyll always ends up all over the place. And I think apple juice is my favorite juice to use for the juice part of the drink.
Colon cleanse drink
Originally uploaded by Verabug.
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.: posted by Vera
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Back in the saddle
As promised, I got back in the sewing saddle last night. I made a little pouch for my camera, and I'm very proud of it.
Q: Why don't I just use a regular camera carrying case especially since my mom just sent me one for Christmas?
A: Because they're too big and bulky. I'm dealing with VERY limited space in my purse.
Q: Why didn't I make it so that you can close the pouch somehow?
A: Because I need very easy and quick access to my camera. I don't want to have to deal with any buttons or zippers to get to it.
Q: Then why do I use a camera pouch at all?
A: Because my camera sits right next to my cell phone in my purse, and I don't want them to rub each other the wrong way, so I added a little buffer.
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.: posted by Vera
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My glasses are back
Two years ago I had my vision surgically corrected and haven't been wearing glasses since. And today I picked up my glasses from the optometrist again - I had clear lenses put into them. I can be nerdy again! I can go to a bookstore or a coffee shop wearing my glasses, and I can feel nerdy just like in the old days. I can't wait! It's nice to have the option to connect with that part of myself again.
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.: posted by Vera
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New job
Last week I started a new job. My job title is "to help with the babies." Once a week I go over to my boyfriend's sister's house to help play with, feed and change her one-year-old twins. She might also ask me to clean some baby bottles, or vacuum, or put away some of the babies' clean laundry. Everything is so much fun--even the vacuuming; she has a really AWESOME vacuum cleaner that works like a charm--and I would totally do this for free. That's how a job should be.
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.: posted by Vera
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A Mercedes doesn't suit me anyway, no really
It has come to my attention recently that I have two very strong and deep-rooted beliefs regarding money and work that are hurting me and have probably hurt me most of my life. They are:
1. Work is hard.
2. Making money is hard.
Being aware of these beliefs is a HUGE step, but if I want to live my new life to the fullest, I have some more work to do. Well, today as I was driving home from Target, I did some more work. I am so proud of the work I did today that I have to share it.
I realized that whenever I see someone driving a Mercedes, a few thoughts automatically enter my head. They are so automatic that it's really hard to pinpoint them, but here they are:
1. I think I am never going to have a Mercedes. But what I really mean by that is I could never afford a Mercedes.
This belief is something I have been aware of for a while. It's a little weird because my family has had a used Mercedes since 1984 (it's still alive today!), and in 1997 my father bought a second, brand new Mercedes. My father has supported a family of 5 on his own, earning roughly the amount I was making at [the company I was recently working for]. Granted, he did so in a small (and cheap) town in Germany while I live in San Francisco, and granted, inflation has happened so my salary this year won't buy me as much as it did him 20 years ago. But still! On the amount I was recently making, my father SUPPORTED A FAMILY OF FIVE (my mother didn't work for most of my childhood), and he was able to buy TWO Mercedeses! So where is this belief coming from, this belief that I could never afford a Mercedes? Maybe I have been told too many times while living in America that a Mercedes is such a LUXURY CAR and that it's so much more expensive here than in Germany, downright unaffordable really. But still! Given my background, I can't believe that this is something I have been believing. But I do!
Now you may wonder: How come I didn't realize until now that I have this belief? You may think that you are aware of everything that you believe in, of course you do, it's right there, in your head. Well, the thing is that I have been SUPPRESSING this belief. Get it? For a long time, probably YEARS, every time I saw somebody driving a Mercedes, I probably vaguely noticed some negative thoughts coming on, but then I would immediately sidestep them by telling myself Oh, I wouldn't want a Mercedes anyway. It's not me. I like VW's! And that is true, BUT: what I was missing was that there was this belief, this negative belief about my own earning and spending power, and that was causing underlying harm to my soul.
2. I also think That person must either have a lot of debt or be stuck in a corporate job they really hate everytime I see someone driving a Mercedes. Wow! Do I really believe that? No way! But apparently I do! Because I noticed today that that's what I think every time I see someone driving a Mercedes! And this thought is also so automatic and subtle that I didn't notice it's there until today! But wow, let's look at what this means. This means that I don't think it's possible to have a job you LIKE and a lot of MONEY at the same time. I don't think you can have BOTH! I think that you can only have enough money to buy a Mercedes if you have a CORPORATE job that you HATE! Wow! This is huge. And if you have a job that you LIKE and you have a Mercedes, then clearly you must have a lot of debt because clearly you can't really afford it. Wow again! That's what I believe. So how do I expect to have money now that I'm embarking on a career that I actually like? Apparently I don't expect to have any money. Wow. Thank god I discovered this today because now that I know that it's there, I can release this bullshit story I tell myself everytime I see someone driving a Mercedes. After I realized that today, everytime I saw someone driving a Mercedes AFTER THAT, I thought Wow, this person must have a really fulfilling career and life because look, life afforded them a Mercedes! Good for them! And good for me, for changing my fucked up thinking. Jesus Christ.
3. And if it's a woman that's driving the Mercedes, I think She must have a husband who has a corporate job he really hates. Wow wow wow wow wow! Whoa. That is so messed up. And it's right there, in my head, I saw it today! And I realized that it's been there many times. I really do think that every time I see a woman driving a Mercedes. Wow! So let's look at what this mean, shall we? It means that there is another very terrible, deep-rooted belief that I wasn't aware of and that goes something like this:
A woman can't make enough money on her own to buy a Mercedes.
Wow. That is something I believe in. I can't believe it. I thought I was above that. Hopefully now that I'm AWARE of this, I can move ABOVE it. I'll let you know how it goes.
The lesson here is that there is a lot of messed up stuff that enters our heads. This is just what happens when I see someone driving a Mercedes. Imagine what else could be going on in YOUR head. Maybe you think that it's just me and that I'm really fucked up or something, but I dare you to take a deeper look at the things YOU believe deep, deep down.
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.: posted by Vera
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Waiting to wake up
Sometimes I wonder if this is really happening. Do I really not have to go to that office anymore? Is Alvin really not my co-worker anymore? Do I really not have to get up for work everyday anymore?
And then I have to remind myself that yes, it's true. I haven't been to that office in a month. As much as I miss him as a person, Alvin is really not my co-worker anymore. And this morning, instead of going to work at 10, I went to a yoga class at 9:30.
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.: posted by Vera
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Naked counseling
Last weekend was Interchange weekend, one of my ten weekends of counseling training. The theme of this weekend was Love and Shame. In addition to being there all day Saturday and all day Sunday, we also had a Saturday evening thing where we did naked counseling.
Yes, naked counseling. We were all naked, including the teacher. Everybody got a turn to be counseled in front of the class for ten minutes. This is what I did with my ten minutes:
I stood naked holding the hand of Steve, the teacher, who was also naked, in front of eight other people who were all sitting on the floor, naked. And I used my counseling time to talk about all the areas of my body that I don't like.
I started with these fleshy bulges that hang between my arms and my boobs and that look almost like another pair of mini boobs. I first discovered them when I was 10 and HATED them, but I had to admit that I haven't thought much about them in the last 12 years or so. Nevertheless I thought I'd mention them for the record.
Then I talked about my belly. I pushed it all the way out and turned sideways so that the people in class could see it. I said that I felt that I looked like I'm five months pregnant when I push it all the way out and when I'm not pregnant at all.
I also talked about my love handles. I said that because of my love handles I was shaped like a triple hour glass. A girl that is shaped like a regular hour glass has one bulge for the boobs and another for her hips. But since I'm a triple hour glass, I have one bulge for my boobs, one for my love handles, and one for my hips. It ain't pretty.
Then I removed the pony tail holders from my pig tails and talked about my hair. I said that my hair was thin and that I was hiding that thinness behind my pig tails. I said that I had sort of accepted that my hair was thin, but that I still had a hard time accepting the possibility of one day being bald, although the amount of hair on my head had been pretty stable for the last six years or so.
Finally I turned around and pointed just below my butt and told the class that I have a little bit of cellulite, just like all women do, but that because cellulite according to the contemporary media is "bad," I sometimes feel bad about it.
At one point while I was talking, Steve turned to the class and said that I was shaking a little bit and that he could definitely feel some kind of energy moving through my body. It was true! The whole time I was talking I felt this huge sense of release. I think I was releasing all the energy related to body image that had been stuck in my body for years.
The next morning I woke up and looked at my body in a mirror. And look at that, I had the perfect body! I did! It was almost as if it had physically changed. I didn't see the cellulite anymore, and when I pushed my belly all the way out, it looked like I was two months pregnant, not five. I can only attribute the "change" to what had happened in the naked counseling session.
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.: posted by Vera
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Free Tarot readings in the Bay Area
Details here.
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.: posted by Vera
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The $10,000 pretense
I have decided that from now on I am going to live my life as if I had $10,000 in my bank account and no matter what I did or how much I spent, there would always be $10,000 in my bank account. I am just going to fake it till it stays true.
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.: posted by Vera
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Insecurities
My boyfriend and I were having dinner at Il Cantuccio around 8pm on New Year's Eve when I said
Maybe we won't go to the party.
- What?
Where you looking really forward to going?
- Maybe, yeah.
I'm not sure I want to go after all.
- We don't have to go if you don't want to, but if you want to go, I'll definitely come with you.
I then proceeded to tell my boyfriend about all the thoughts I had in my head regarding going--and not going--to the party. I said that I just wasn't sure I really wanted to be around loud music. I wanted to see some of my friends who were going to be at the party, for sure, but I wanted to be able to actually *talk* to them instead of just waving across the dance floor. I also said that I didn't really feel like hugging a bunch of people I hardly know and that I haven't seen in ages just because for a while we would see each other every weekend at parties, even though we never went any deeper than the hi and hug stage. It's nothing against them personally or against hugging; I just wasn't looking foward to that feeling of vague familiarity yet disconnectedness, coupled with an obligation to hug.
I said that I didn't resonate that much with the group throwing the party anyway. I felt like image was everything to them, on themselves and others. Most of them were very beautiful and wore the coolest outfits and really knew how to dance, and most of them went to Ivy League schools. I have never felt that I, with my ocassional dorkiness and shyness, with my non-Ivy League degree and no--not even an attempted--graduate degree, could ever really fit in with them. But then there is Stephen, I told my boyfriend. Stephen was part of that group, and he had personally invited me to the party. And I have always really liked and connected with Stephen. And the main reason I wanted to go to the party was 1, it was New Year's Eve, and 2, I didn't want to blow off Stephen's invitation. Maybe, I thought, instead of going to the party I ought to give Stephen a call and ask him to hang out some other time.
"I think when we get home I need to write down all of my thoughts," I said, "to see if I need to go to the party or not. But what is this -- 'need'? That doesn't sound too good." "Yeah, it sounds like you feel some kind of obligation to go to the party," said my boyfriend, "I wonder what that's all about."
I do feel obligated somewhat. I feel obligated to myself and to my friends. I haven't gone to a party in so long, but I have also always thought that eventually I would *have* to go again, or else.. I would lose all my friends. I wouldn't belong anymore. Or I wouldn't be cool anymore. There is something about the semi-underground all-night dance party scene that's very 'cool', whatever that means, and being a part of it made me feel like I was cool too. Sometimes I think that since I'm not going to those parties anymore, I'm not cool anymore.
- Hm. I don't think of people as cool or not cool.
I don't either, actually! Not anymore. So why am I judging myself this way? I'm also afraid that I won't know how to dance anymore after a while. I'm just so afraid that I'm losing touch with things, in many different ways. I thought that going to this party would make me feel like I was still in touch, with my friends, with the scene, with dancing, with platform boots and skimpy skirts. But I really don't feel like going. I really don't. For the last year I have told myself every weekend that I don't have to go to a party if I don't want to. For some reason tonight I'm having a hard time actually believing that.
We ate our pasta and dessert and walked back to my boyfriend's place. By the time we got there, I collapsed on the stairs in his apartment. I was very tired. My body was confirming what I was already feeling: I was not going to go to the party.
I was asleep before 10pm. On New Year's Eve.
In the middle of the night I tossed and turned. I thought about the theme of the party--garden and bugs--and that the decoration was probably really cool. And I was missing out on it. I also thought about Stephen. And I thought about my friends and how embarrassed I would feel if any of them knew that I had been asleep before midnight and that I had been too tired, cold and lazy to go to a bug-themed (!) party. I was feeling quite tortured there, in the middle of the night, sometime during the first hours of the year 2006.
I slept some more and woke up feeling better. But the torturous thoughts soon came back. I said to my boyfriend "Maybe it would make me feel better to call Stephen and go over there and help clean up after the party." But I felt too humiliated to even do that. Then I said "Maybe it would make me feel better to put on my green garden outfit, and we'll go out for breakfast. Then after that, if I feel like it, maybe I'll go to Breakfast of Champions to catch up with some friends."
It did make me feel better to go out for breakfast in my green garden outfit. And afterwards I went to Breakfast of Champions, sans boyfriend, and that made me feel better too. At first I didn't see anybody I know and was feeling weird and--as I had been afraid I would--out of touch. But soon I found Jason and Jiwon, then Hannah, and later Lura. As soon as I started hanging out with Lura and her fabulous boyfriend, I started feeling normal again.
I stayed for three hours and left pondering that I had forgotten how accepting and welcoming the San Francisco dance scene is. Of course I still belonged. Of course nobody was "cool" or "not cool"; there were just some people I clicked with and some I didn't. That's all it is.
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.: posted by Vera
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Selected news about household appliances
1. After I moved I thought that my sewing machine was broken. The foot-like-looking thing that you snap down onto the fabric before sewing looked like--I don't know--like it was about to fall off or something. But today I took my sewing machine out of the closet and looked at it more closely, and everything was fine. Thank god! I vow to get back into the sewing saddle very soon.
2. I tried out my new Roomba today. My boyfriend gave it to me for Christmas. It's a vacuuming robot. Look at it go.
You just push a button and it goes at it, and it doesn't stop until the room is clean (it has a sensor for that). And when it's done, it stops and sings a little song to tell you that it's done. When it hits a wall or furniture or your foot, it turns around and keeps going. It goes under furniture too, even to the gross part underneath my bed that I usually don't get to until the next time I move. I love my little Roomba!
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.: posted by Vera
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Intentions for 2006
First I want to review my intentions for 2005:
1. Write a post about manifestation. --> Did that.
2. More sex, please. --> Got that.
3. Less caffeine. --> Yep.
4. Start yoga and quit the gym. --> Did that.
5. Have a healthy body and soul and car. --> Yep.
6. Allow all feelings to hit me 100%. --> I stopped taking anti-depressants on January 1. I did abuse coffee to escape the feelings of boredom at work, but other than that I was very feelings-oriented this year. I have never investigated my own feelings with as much awareness and curiosity.
7. Spend more time by myself. --> Oh, hell yes, did I ever do that. Is anybody even out there anymore? Anybody?
Wow! It looks like I turned 100% of my intentions into reality.
And here are my intentions for 2006:
1. Feel financially and physically supported at all times.
2. Be creative in many different ways.
3. Meet people that will benefit from what I have to offer.
4. Feel good inside my body.
5. Stay a part of the blogging/geek community.
6. Be able to support more people and relieve more situations with my psychic skills.
7. Be in a sexually and spiritually fulfilling and enriching relationship.
8. Have several regular psychic counseling clients that I enjoy seeing every time and that enjoy seeing me.
9. Enable a broader range of people to become psychic themselves.
10. Share the empowerment I felt after quitting my job.
11. Go to Utah again or Hawaii or Colorado or all of the above.
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.: posted by Vera
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Don't call me Gretchen
Today I got to use the line "Just because I'm German doesn't mean my name is Gretchen" in all seriousness. It was awesome.
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.: posted by Vera
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