Gah! Ouch!
Lately I have repeatedly heard stories about people who have experienced strong emotional pain during a massage or other types of bodywork. The explanation is that we store painful memories in crevices of our bodies, and when those parts are touched intensively, the pain is finally released from our bodies but we first have to relive the memory one last time. I have yet to experience this, but apparently it hurts.
I wonder if this can be considered a sort of synesthesia - tactile synesthesia? Last week on the way back from LA I had a pretty painful synesthetic experience of the auditory kind. I put in a CD that I hadn't listened to in months. I had consciously been avoiding it because I had listened to it a lot during a very dark time of my life, and I knew that hearing it again would make me relive a lot of yuckiness. But I finally decided to listen to it. It's actually a really good dnb mix by Qzen. You can download it from her bio page. While I enjoyed the music very much, even this time, I was also instantly back in that dark mindspace. It all came back through the auditory stimulation - pain, confusion, sadness, frustration, and an overwhelming sense of just plain dread. I suddenly felt low low low even though I had felt perfectly happy before putting on the CD.
If only auditory synesthesia were as effective as tactile synesthesia. But no, it doesn't release the pain; it only brings it back. I think that albeit very beautiful CD will make me feel that pain for the rest of my life.
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.: posted by Vera 
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Clear channel
Disclaimer: This post may make me sound like I am a little bit crazy. But I can assure you that I am not. No really. I am just open. Not crazy, but open.
This is the one where I talk about the psychic awareness class I have been taking. We meet every Tuesday night. Last week we learned about Clearing. Clearing means getting rid of all the - physical and emotional - stuff you no longer want or need and making space for something new that you do want or need. Clearing also means purifying the energy around you so that it is all your own and no energies from other spirits are interfering with your own. These other spirits that tend to linger around you (and all of us) can be those from human beings - such as the last person you slept with, your mother, your boss, etc. - or those from, well, um, ghosts. Clearing is supposed to drive out all those other energies so that you will then hear the right voices in your head, those that will guide you to the things you want or those that will help you channel for other people.
Sage is supposed to be a good clearing agent. So the other day I lit a wand of sage on fire and ran it all over my room. This weekend both of my roommates will be out of town so I am going to do the same thing in the rest of the house (shhhh, don't tell them!) so that our whole house can be clean and clear. Another thing I did as part of the clearing process is organize the clothes in my closet by color. Check it.
This week in class we for the first time tried to read each other. During our meditation (we do a LOT of meditation in class) we imagined a cord of rainbow light connecting our heart to that of the person sitting next to us and tried to really absorb their energy and feel what's it's like to be them and in their body. This is what Kara drew about me:
She described it as "colorful loops" and wings.
And this is what she wrote:
You have a high spirit frequency
take flight kind bird
bright dancer whirling fire circles
trust yourself you inspire others with your genuinity and understanding
humble be proud see yourself
Can we say wow? WOW!
By the way: I am trying to figure out how to talk about energy and the like without sounding like a new-age crystal-swinging goddess impersonator that certain people (former selves of mine included) are immediately going to discredit. Even if you just know of a more scientific, more mainstream word than energy, do let me know.
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.: posted by Vera
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LA trip stats
I left Saturday about noon and drove through the rain.
I arrived at Lyzz's house in West LA at 7pm. We made my bed and then drove through the rain to the restaurant in which her sister Achariya works for some Thai food and yummy cocktails. Afterwards we bar-hopped without having any drinks because all the bars we went to were way too crowded for comfort. It was fine with me because I was looking forward to my bed anyway.
The next morning Achariya made us all breakfast, and then Lyzz and I did yoga together in her room. In a flash of premonition I had packed my yoga mat and yoga pants, lucky me. Afterwards we mudded our faces and lips. Healthy mind, healthy body, healthy face, healthy lips. That morning I also bought two purses from Achariya who is selling them for her friend Spencer who makes them. You can see both of them here. I have the one I am wearing (a black one with a red star that hangs over your shoulder and then criss-crosses in the back and has another strap that you put your other arm through) and the one Achariya is wearing (a white one that is also a belt). Okay, I am done talking about the purses now, but you should definitely check them out.
After the treatment at Spa Lyzz we went to Venice to meet with Amparo and John and three of their friends (two of which were also visiting from San Francisco like me) for lunch. It was good clean yummy fun with lots of hot sauce everywhere. The night before, Lyzz and I had seen a place called Electric Karma. Its subtitle was Indian food and it had butterflies painted on the outside and we liked the name. We were like "Let's go there for lunch tomorrow!" But Amparo requested we meet somewhere closer to her house. In the end it was perfect because Colin called me right after lunch and we agreed to have Indian food that night.
Then Lyzz and I went to Target because she needed toilet paper. It was then that I started doing my Rainy red lights in LA series. After Target, we went out for gelato. We pretty much just ate all day long. Then we went to Lyzz's work because she needed to check her email. At some point Colin called and said he didn't want to drive into the city that night because there was going to be some scary rain. But it was all good because we ended up having Indian food the next morning. As mentioned before, Colin doesn't eat enough Indian food.
So instead, Lyzz and I met her sister and some of her friends at another Thai place that night to eat even more food. The restaurant was supposed to have a Thai Elvis who was unfortunately a no-show. After dinner we went to Deep. As the name suggests, Deep is all about house music and I usually go to great lenghts to avoid dancing to house music. But sometimes you just have to do exactly what you normally wouldn't do, and boy did that house music hit the spot that night. But only for an hour or so and then we went home. It was an early night, and again I didn't mind a smidge.
Around 11:30 the next morning Colin picked me up at Lyzz's and we went out for Indian food. We had the place all to ourselves. Colin said that there are two types of Indian food: Indian food and fancy Indian food. This was the fancy kind. I had never had fancy Indian food before. It made me very full.
After lunch I hit the road again. I was stuck in traffic for almost two hours in the sunshine right next to the ocean. I think it was because of a mudslide. After I got out of the traffic jam, I stopped in Santa Barbara for some water, caffeine and a pee break and then drove through the rain and almost-full moon lit sky until I was home at 10pm.
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.: posted by Vera
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Completing all kinds of circles
I got my pencil out and am ready to draw some concentric circles and parallels.
Several circles that were started between one and two years ago were completed this weekend, as you can see in the drawing above. Let me explain each one.
Start of circle 1: One weekend morning in February 2003 I was in the car with my ex-boyfriend and I was miserable, and I think so was he. Our relationship had come to an end but we had not acknowledged that status yet. We were listening to Getz and Gilberto. It was his CD. I did not like the CD, nor did I like the fact that we never listened to any of MY CD's in the car, nor that he kept telling me UNSOLICITEDLY that he was never going to marry me.
End of circle 1: On Sunday morning my friend Lyzz and I got up and did yoga together in her room. The same Getz and Gilberto CD was playing. I'm still not particularly fond of that music, but at least this time I was not miserable: I was doing yoga with Lyzz and it was super fun!
Start of circle 2: Exactly one year ago today I went to a party in Oakland at a place I later found out was aptly named the Slaughterhouse. There I met a very smart, young and otherwise totally lovely boy. I put my heart on the slaughtering block and three weeks later, he had totally wrecked it.
End of circle 2: Now my heart is whole and golden and sparkly again, and he cannot touch me anymore even if he tried. I take heart wrecker repellant everywhere I go now and am not afraid to use it. I had actually already closed this heart break circle, but now even the circle that the earth has made around the sun since we met, is closed as well.
Start of circle 3: Last March at a party, my cute friend Miranda aka Donna Matrix when she spins breaks aka Dominatrix when she spins drum & bass played this song that I recognized. I was like "I know that song and I like it and I'm going to dance to it" and I did. It has these frog sounds in it. Ever since then I have been trying to figure out where I knew that song from. I searched through the music on my computer and on my CD's but nothing rang a bell.
End of circle 3: On Saturday during my drive down to LA, the bell finally rang. I was listening to Dieselboy's A Soldier's Story, and the song was on it. It's Jonny L - The Bellz.
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.: posted by Vera
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Living cities*
I have not forgotten how breathtakingly beautiful a city San Francisco is, but it's nice to come face to face with that fact once in a while. Thanks, Jay!
This weekend I am going to visit another beautiful city, the one of the Angels down in Southern California. Here is a picture I took while I was down there almost exactly a year ago.
*Kisses to you if you got the reference in that.
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.: posted by Vera
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Things that make me happy
three-pronged
Originally uploaded by dooce.
A pig-tailed baby: The recent pictures of Dooce's baby Leta wearing pig tails make me very very happy.
Two-person dragons: At the Chinese New Year's party at CELLspace on Saturday, there were these two dragons, made my by two humans each, that were jumping up high and doing little dances and flaring their nostrils and doing other acrobatic things, and they made me very very happy. It's the Year of the Rooster! Wear your feathers and flap your wings.
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.: posted by Vera
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Song of the week
Drexciya - Antivapor Waves
I was randomly downloading Drexciya stuff and came across this one. A few seconds into the song I knew that it was my new favorite song. If I was an electro DJ, I would play this song in every single set. It's perfect for that dance where you pretend that you have no muscles or bones, with your arms and legs just flailing.
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.: posted by Vera
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I made something
I bought an ugly red fleece sweater that said Catalina Island on it. I cut off the sleeves for red leg warmers. They are perfect as leg warmers, but very ugly as sleeves: super wide and with a tight cuff. Then I used the rest of the ugly red fleece sweater to make a red hat and red arm warmers. For Valentine's Day, you know? Also, oh! Synchronicity: Today is the Chinese New Year, and red is a lucky color according to Chinese culture, and many people wear read on this day. Happy New Year!
Credit of course goes to Ariel and her warmies.
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.: posted by Vera
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I'm a natural
Today I became a U.S. citizen. Whoa! It still seems sort of unreal. The seed was planted over ten years ago.
My naturalization oath ceremony was at the Masonic Center from 9 to 11am. There were 1406 people naturalized at the same time. They took my greencard from me at the door. I was a little bit startled by that, but two hours later I was given a Certificate of Naturalization instead. I was also given an envelope that says A MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES on it. And guess what was in it. A message from my favorite, George W. Bush. This is what it says:
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
Dear Fellow American:
I am please to congratulate you on becoming a United States citizen. You are now a part of a great and blessed Nation. I know your family and friends are proud of you on this special day.
Americans are united across the generations by grand and enduring ideals. The grandest of these ideals is an unfolding promise that everyone belongs, that everyone deserves a chance, and that no insignificant person was ever born. Our country has never been united by blood or birth or soil. We are bound by principles that move us beyond our backgrounds, lift us above our interests, and teach us what it means to be citizens. Every citizen must uphold these principles. And every new citizen, by embracing these ideals, makes our country more, not less, American.
As you begin to participate fully in our democracy, remember that what you do is as important as anything government does [and YOU remember that the country of my former nationality is ALSO a DEMOCRACY, hmmkay? There ARE other democracies on this planet]. I ask you to serve your new Nation, beginning with your neighbor. I ask you to be citizens building communities of service and a Nation of character. Americans are generous and strong and decent not because we believe in ourselves, but because we hold beliefs beyond ourselves. When this spirit of citizenship is missing, no government program can replace it. When this spirit is present, no wrong can stand against it.
Welcome to the joy, responsibility, and freedom of American citizenship. God bless you, and God bless America.
Sincerely,
George W. Bush
Thanks, Dubya. You got it. I will serve my new Nation-with-a-capital-N. I will bear arms on behalf of the United States when required by law. I pledged allegiance to that today. And I got a certificate with my picture ugly as sin to prove it.
When I got back to my car after the ceremony, I had a parking ticket. Thanks, America!
And when I got home tonight, there were some flowers from my roommate Joe and a card that said Congratulations, Citizen Vera. Thanks, Joe!
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.: posted by Vera
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The new guy
Our new roommate, Ron, is in the house.
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.: posted by Vera
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Love
One time when I was 16, I came home from a club early on a Sunday morning, drunk. I got into bed and started crying. I don't even remember what I was crying about, probably the usual "nobody loves me; least of all myself" teenage grief. My parents' bedroom was next door, so my mom must have heard me sobbing. She slipped into my room and without a word laid down in my bed and spooned me and wrapped her arms around me. After a while she went back to her bed and I went to sleep.
Yesterday I did some spring cleaning in my room and found a postcard, dated June 17, 1996, the day I left Germany to immigrate to the U.S. The postcard says, in German:
Dear Vera,
please never forget that you have parents and siblings that love you very much, and that are always there for you.
I hope that you will achieve what you want in America and that you will be happy and content and stay healthy.
Many kisses from
your Mama
I believe that card was hidden in a present I got to open on the plane. I remember crying on the plane after reading it.
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.: posted by Vera
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Feeling witchy
There was this plastic cover underneath the front of my car that had come loose and was dragging on the ground. I wanted to get it fixed today. But I didn't really want to pay any money for it. I went to the car shop I usually go to, hoping that they would fix it for free since I'm a regular. But they were closed. So I kept driving, keeping all of my senses wide open to recognize the right shop to take my car too. I drove by this place called 4 Wheel Brake on 17th and Mission and suddenly got this really good feeling. So I drove in there. There were two guys working there. I felt that as I walked towards them, they looked at me disapprovingly, but that wasn't going to thwart me. I pointed at my car and the easily visible plastic piece hanging from its front and told them that I was hoping somebody could fix it. The younger of the two guys, who had a really dirty face, said he would take a look at it. He also said "I'm bored anyway." They lifted up my car, he went at it with a tool for a few minutes, lowered the car back down and came to me saying that it was all fixed. I said "How much do I owe you?" He waved his hand dismissively. I said "Thank you very very much. I really appreciate it." He said "Anything for a beautiful woman."
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.: posted by Vera
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Hello February!
That's what my Hello Kitty calendar says. It's going to be a fantastic month, I can feel it. Yesterday morning I wrote down all of my manifestations for the month, and I KNOW that they are all going to come true.
Also, here are some more reasons why this month is going to rock:
- On February 8, the new moon, I have my naturalization oath ceremony.
- On February 11, Maryann, another girl, and I are hoop-performing at a party (see flyer below).
- On February 12, there is another Chinese New Year's party at CELLspace. I went last year, and it was great. I was all about the monkey after that party.
- I get President's Day, February 21, off work and am driving down to LA for a long weekend.
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.: posted by Vera
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Who's with me?
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.: posted by Vera
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