Full Circle
Subtitle: It's January and I'm feeling fine
Subsubtitle: Saturn's Return Part I
In a way I feel like I am now exactly where I was a year ago. In a way I feel like the world dropped me off a year ago, kept turning, and has now picked me back up.
One day in late January/early February of last year, I woke up in the morning and laid in bed thinking:
I am so fucking happy. I don't think I have ever been this happy before. Things are so fucking good. I love the city I live in. I love the apartment I live in and my roommates. I love my job and the geeky community that surrounds it. I love hooping and I love dancing and I do both a lot. I love my body. I am so fucking happy. And I'm not even in love!
Two months later I was depressed. The funk was originally triggered by personal rejection and according to all rules of reason really should not have lasted for longer than a month or so. But it lasted, oh, about TEN MONTHS.
But I am better now. I feel really fucking good again. And the thing is that on the outside, nothing has really changed. I am exactly where I was a year ago. I still live in the same city and apartment. I still work for the same company. I still hoop and dance a lot. I am still single.
But on the inside I look very different. My insides have changed from a caterpillar to a butterfly. They have opened like a flower, just like Lura predicted they would. I trust myself now. I no longer fear my fears and my dark sides. I meditate. I listen to myself. I don't try to force things anymore; I allow them.
This is the kind of post that, when written by somebody else, would not have made any sense to me a few months ago. It sounds elusive, intangible. Just what is she talking about? What the hell does allow mean? But it makes sense to me now.
It turns out my first Saturn return was October 20 through November 27, 2004. Maybe I had been gearing up for it that whole time and then finally did what I had to. I started my fast on October 24. My fast was a big step in finally getting better. On December 10 I told a friend that what I really wanted is to turn my whole life upside down and reassemble the pieces. I had NEVER had that kind of an urge before. I am not done reassembling the pieces, but the wheels are turning steadily. Saturn has turned and left me here, and I finally feel like myself again.
My second Saturn Return is coming up this June. I am bracing myself. I know I am not nearly as vulnerable now. I expect it will only be an aftershock after the Big One.
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.: posted by Vera 
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Moving along
A year and a half ago the company I work for announced their intention of buying a famous old building across the street from the current HQ. Yesterday we moved into that building. I took pictures.
Also, today my roommate of a year and a half, Zaina, moved out. Her best friend Pablo is taking her to the airport right now. Originally from Australia, she lived in San Francisco for two years and is now moving to London. I will miss her terribly! She accounted for one third of the best living situation I have ever been in. Hopefully Joe's and my new roommate will be equally fantastic.
On Friday Pablo and his boyfriend hosted a going away party for Zaina. This picture was taken at that party. Joe had it framed and gave it to Zaina as a going away gift. I love that picture. It pretty much sums it all up.
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.: posted by Vera
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You'll be surprised with what you might find
15 years ago one of my favorite artists was Snap. For me, they were the commercial foreshadowing of house, techno and trance. Their stuff was just awesome, especially if you lived in Germany and didn't really understand what they were saying.
So last night I discovered where the vague ancient memory came from that was triggered by the song Escape Velocity by Duplex a few months ago. It's from the song Exterminate by Snap, ca. 1992! The two songs are actually very different, but there is one element that ties them together, at least in my head: The pretty keyboard howling, for lack of a better term.
P.S.: In the "I'm wearing my hair down tonight" picture below I am dancing to one of my favorite songs of all time, Everybody Dance Now by Snap.
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.: posted by Vera
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I let my hair down
I don't know if you have noticed this but I don't ever wear my hair down. Amy Leblanc noticed it recently. Most people I ran into last Wednesday noticed it because I was wearing it down, and they were all very surprised. My friend Philip even kept running his hands through it and wouldn't stop, all the while saying "I had never SEEN your hair before!"
My hair and I don't have a very good relationship. That's why I never wear it down. I don't like my hair and feel that its only acceptable form of existence is to be sculpted into something that makes it look less like my hair, preferably two symmetrical objects sticking out from my head. I believe that I wore my hair down to hang out with friends exactly two times last year. One of those incidents was documented by Min Jung. There may have been two more times where I wore my hair down to work. I didn't once wear my hair down to a party (except for when I wore it down to 111 Minna last Wednesday, but that was in the middle of the week and doesn't really count). I almost wore my hair down to a party last February. I had just washed it and was feeling good, but then my friend Seth and I decided that pig tails were the better way to go after all.
Sometimes I think that it's time for my hair and I to try to become friends again. It's down right now and I don't hate it a lot. I may wear it down to a party tonight. Maybe.
Update: I did wear my hair down to a party or two.
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.: posted by Vera
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Life is good
I have been on a lucky streak since Friday. I keep receiving gifts like these:
- I got my annual review at work and a raise.
- I found out that my company now employs five cute young blond geeky Finnish boys, and my co-worker friend Israel is going to organize a "Vera meets the Finnish boys" lunch soon.
- I don't have to work on Monday.
- My hooper friend Steve brought me some home-cooked yummy healthy vegetarian food to hooping today.
- Maryann gave me some socks that are more perfect than any I have ever seen. They are rainbow AND ladybug socks.
- My friend Robin who I hadn't seen in months and who I have been missing came to hooping today. I told her that I have been trying to awaken my psychic senses, and it just so happens that she is teaching a seven week class on psychic awareness starting this Tuesday.
- Tomorrow I am having lunch with one of my favorite people.
- Joe and I made kiwi juice for breakfast this morning.
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.: posted by Vera
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Comments are back
My comments were down for a few days, but they are finally back now. I would love to hear everybody's thoughts on my manifestation post, so comment away!
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.: posted by Vera
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A picture for every year of my life
One of the things I did when I went back to Germany recently, is pick out a picture of myself from every year of my life. That's because I have been wanting to do what Lisa Whiteman did in 28+ pictures: Put together a slide show that shows how I have grown up and evolved over time. So here it is.
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.: posted by Vera
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My relationship with the universe
[As promised, here is my post on manifestation.]
The first time I ever manifested something, without knowing what I was doing, I was nine years old. I was going to be a clown in a school play that I was really excited about. The day before the play I came down with the flu. Normally whenever I got the flu, I would be sick for about two or three days. If I was going to be sick for that long this time, I would have missed the play. So I decided to be better the next day. And miraculously, I was.
The most important thing I ever manifested was my greencard. After having been an exchange student for a year, I knew that I wanted to live in California for the rest of my life. The first time I entered the greencard lottery, I won.
In 2001 I was unemployed for almost four months. My friend Starrie told me to manifest a new job by writing down what I wanted in one sentence in capital letters, then crossing out all the letters that repeated and then using all remaining letters to draw one interconnected symbol. The sentence I wrote was "I will use Flash at my next job." A month or so later I had a new job as a Flash developer.
I have been manifesting all my life but I never really knew what I was doing. Because of that, it sometimes worked and sometimes didn't. But for the last six months or so, I have been paying better attention and been really trying to improve my actualization factor.
In July my aunt Inge sent me the book Bestellungen beim Universum. (The English version is called The Cosmic Ordering Service.) Bärbel Mohr tells us that not only can you order from the universe what you want but you can even specify a delivery date/time:
- Make your order in a way in which you feel comfortable. You don't need to get all ritualistic like with a full moon or candle light. I usually just close my eyes and think something like "I want to find the perfect fuzzy green sweater by February 21."
- Always use positive statements for your orders. Apparently, the universe doesn't understand "no" or "not" or "without." If you say "I don't want to get sick," the universe will hear that you want to get sick.
- Do not repeat the order. Ordering it once is enough. The universe heard you the first time. If you repeat it, you are sending a message of mistrust to the universe when the key to success is trust and faith.
- Don't think about it. This is the hardest part. It takes practice.
For a while I carried the book everywhere I went. It was my little cosmic bible. There were disappointments though. Not all of my manifestations came true. The secret to manifestation is to set your intention (in your head or by writing it down) and then to forget about it. If you keep reminding the universe by thinking stuff like "Where is it? When is it coming?" it will not come. You have to release it. That's what I was having a really hard time with. If I want it really badly, how could I let it go?
In September I took a manifestation workshop. Yes, I paid money to learn to manifest better. The woman that taught the workshop, Zen Kloppenburg, was very inspiring. She said that she had everything she wanted and needed and that she had never felt this good for this long, all through manifestation. According to this course, you manifest like this:
- State your desire.
- Believe that it will come true.
- Feel good no matter what.
- Be ready to receive it. This is the trickiest part. I will get back to this further below.
There was one thing I liked better about her workshop than about the Cosmic Ordering Service. When I told her that I was having a hard time with the letting go part, she said "Don't focus on letting go. Just keep feeling good."
Less than a week after taking the manifestation workshop, I saw the movie What the Bleep Do We Know. What I got out of the movie was that there is scientific evidence (in quantum physics) that thoughts can directly affect matter. When the movie talked about how light in weight molecules are and how easy it must therefore be to shift around energy, I started to feel physically dizzy. After that there was no turning back. I was a believer. I was a believer in the things you cannot see. I was a believer in my own power to change my life to what I want it to be. [Listen to me. Am I almost ready to write a self help book or what?]
Was I immediately a master of manifestation? Hell no. There were a few occasions where my practice backfired terribly, and I felt amateurish and humiliated and almost stopped believing. But now I know that I was just not doing it right. I did not yet have a good grasp on Zen's point 4, the receiving part. But after a few additional months of practice, I think I now have a better understanding of how it all works and how to make manifestation work for me. Here are some of the things I have learned, many of them the hard way:
- Even though Zen says it's not necessary, you absolutely have to let go. If you tense up and are too attached, it won't come true. This also means that you will have to release any anger associated with the thing you want or the current lack thereof.
- Your desire for the thing you're trying to manifest cannot be stronger than your desire for your life without the thing, i.e. want what you have and you will get what you want.
- You cannot need it desperately; otherwise the universe will only read lack and it will give you lack in return.
- Don't go out of your way to make it happen. Stay on your way and it will come to you. This is why I only ran into cute art school bicycle boy twice and then never again: I tried to make the third time happen by purposely leaving work at a certain time; of course I didn't see him that day or anytime after that.
- Don't send out reminders (as Bärbel Mohr already mentioned) or start a countdown. If you have already expressed your desire to, for example, find a cool new roommate, don't think two weeks later "I want to find my new roommate TODAY." It won't work. Or, if you tried to manifest to have a new boyfriend by, say, April, don't think shit like "three more weeks, two more weeks" etc. This kind of thinking practically guarantees that it will not happen.
- You will most likely not be able to manifest things regarding a specific existing person. It is much harder to directly influence another person's will than to set in motion more general energies, not tied to a specific person. After all, if you're getting what you want, does it really matter who it's coming from?
- You have to really want it from the heart. If the desire comes from your ego or from societal expectations, for example, you don't truly want it and probably won't get it.
I know that some of these rules are frustrating and contradictory. They bring up questions like "So if I really need something, I won't get it? Then what good does manifestation do me?" or "Are you saying that if I am looking for a new job, I should stop looking and just let it find me?" These are questions everyone will have to answer for themselves. You will have to develop your own relationship with the universe. But it is very important and universally applicable to relax, appreciate what you have now, and trust that you will get what you want in time. It may take some time to figure out your own approach.
I have been dabbling with manifestation for a while now, but I have been hesitant to write about it. One of the reasons was that it all sounds more woo woo and new age-y than I really want to be. But fuck it. Everybody needs something to believe in. And really, manifestation is nothing but using common sense and taking responsibility for your own life. The other reason for my hesitation was that many of my own manifestations were failing miserably. But like I said, I am getting the hang of it. For the past two weeks, just about everything I manifested has, well, manifested. So I thought I'd share what I have learned so far about getting yourself ready to receive. And now I am also going to share some of my coolest recent manifestations-turned-realities.
1. One day I was on my way to hooping. As I was driving I thought "I want there to be a cute boy at hooping today, and I want us to have a conversation." This was a long shot because a) there are hardly ever any new people at hooping, especially not cute boys and b) I was ten minutes away from the place where we were hooping - doesn't the universe need more time than that? Well, the cute boy did show up. It was actually somebody I had met before and had been hoping to run into again. He was not even a hooper.
2. This Wednesday morning I thought "I would like a really cool opportunity for a project to come my way today." That afternoon I got an email from Jane titled "sxsw." Jane is doing an HTML vs. ActionScript panel at SXSW Interactive, and one of her ActionScript developers just cancelled. She asked me if I would like to fill in. I would get a free pass to SXSW Interactive. So yeah, I'm going to Austin for SXSW this year! And my company is even paying for my hotel; all I have to pay for is the flight. The cool thing about this is that I had just mentioned to a friend about a month ago that I would really like to visit Austin one day.
Sure, the skeptic and rationalist in me says that it's all just coincidence, and that all these rules I have set up for myself are really just there to allow for error, to excuse failures, and to maximize the probability that a coincidence will happen. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that when I ask for something and four hours later the universe gives it to me, I feel really fucking powerful, even if it's coincidence. And that feels really fucking good.
And you know what? You would not believe the amazing parking spots I have been getting since I started manifesting them. After 9am, it is practically impossible to find a parking spot within three blocks of the building in which I work. But lately I have been finding parking spots that are ONE BLOCK AWAY at 10am or even 11am. So my advice to you: Try it with little things. Shoot for that awesome parking spot, and if you get it, start dreaming big.
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.: posted by Vera
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I hooped at Burning Man
Really, I did. A camp mate just sent me some evidence. First, he sent me pictures. Then he sent me a video. Notice how I'm pulling up my tube top in the beginning. It was taken on Saturday afternoon on the Sol System dance floor. Do I look tired or what? I was. But my favorite part of the video has got to be the equally tired-looking guy in the towel skirt and hat.
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.: posted by Vera
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Almost there, really this time
This morning I had another appointment with U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services. I had my naturalization interview and was quizzed on my knowledge of the American history and the U.S. government. Some of the questions I was asked were:
- What are changes to the Constitution called?
- Who was Martin Luther King?
- Where is the White House?
I was also asked questions like:
- Do you agree with the U.S. Constitution?
- Have you ever been arrested?
- Have you ever tried to vote or to register to vote?
And guess what. I passed the test. I was given a piece of paper titled "Naturalization Interview Results" which says "You have passed the tests of English and U.S. history and goverment." And further below it says "Congratulations! Your application has been recommended for approval. At this time, it appears that you have established your eligibility for naturalization. If final approval is granted, you will be notified when and where to report for the Oath Ceremony."
So if all goes well, the only thing left to do now is the oath ceremony. This should happen within the next two to four months.
I was also given an application for an American passport. Things are getting serious!
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.: posted by Vera
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All Over Juice
My roommate Joe got a juicer for Christmas. Twice a day now he gets it out and makes juice. He has bags and bags of fruit lying around in the kitchen, just for juicing. His favorite so far is apple lemon juice (two apples, a quarter of a lemon). Yesterday he insisted on making a glass of apple lemon juice for me. Let me tell you - the lemon really adds something to it; it makes it sweeter or something. That is one hell of a juice. The day before that I had apple tangerine blueberry juice. Yum!
Every morning now Joe gets up and into the kitchen and the juicer out and says shit like "Good morning, sunshine! Do you know what time it is?"
My goal is to befriend vegetable juices. Kale, celery, even cauliflower. I hope I can do it.
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.: posted by Vera
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Midnight countdown in Big Room
There is some footage from the few seconds before and after midnight taken in - you guessed it - the main room at the New Year's party* I went to. Unfortunately I missed the whole thing because I was in the hallway "working the door" from 11 to 12:30. I was the stamp checker. But look at the lights! And the decoration! And Techno, baby, YEAH!
*I patronized the Friends & Family masquerade at the Otherworld warehouse in Oakland.
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.: posted by Vera
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Hello, my bloody little heart
You know things are looking up when the two days PRECEDING your period are totally fucking awesome.
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.: posted by Vera
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Aw yeah
The first 12 hours of the year 2005 already brought me one step closer to achieving goal #2.
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.: posted by Vera
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